Today is our eighth wedding anniversary! Eight years ago today was the most beautiful, crisp, blue sky Saturday in Connecticut we could ever have asked for. I can still feel moments so clearly from that day – literally feel what the air, the dress felt like on my skin. The memories from earlier are clearest: arriving to the Inn for hair and makeup in the dark of the morning, sitting on the bed to copy out my vows onto an index card while the moms and sisters milled around, stepping out of the car at my house, standing on the point in the breeze and sun waiting for portraits to be taken. It was a perfect, beloved day.

The eight years since then have been equally beloved. I am a words girl, and yet words could never express the relationship John and I have, or how precious it is to me. He is my other half, my best friend, the most loving dad, the first person I want to celebrate or cry or dream or do anything else with. He makes everything more fun, he holds everything together. He is principled, loyal, hardworking, smart, generous… I could go on :) God is so very good to have created him and to have brought us together.

And yet, we are still two imperfect people. We leave the dishes in the sink, lose our patience, snap at each other, disagree about how things should be done, argue over whether food in the refrigerator can be eaten. And so today, for this celebration of long-lasting love, I thought I’d share something practical that has been incredibly helpful in our marriage: specifically banning certain phrases.

Like us, I’m guessing you have phrases that, when uttered by your partner, (almost) literally send you through the roof. It’s like you can feel your blood pressure rise, your face redden, maybe some smoke come out of your ears — taking an otherwise level 5 argument to a level 10 in a snap. We have two:

The first: “What is wrong with you?” Which is usually expressed more like, “what is wrong with you?!?!?” This needles us, I think, because it implies that WHO WE ARE is the problem, not what we are doing or thinking.

The second: any variation of “calm down” or “relax” – because obviously, those are the least calming or relaxing words in the English language, and the last thing you want to hear when you are decidedly not calm nor relaxed.

For you, it’s probably other phrases. Maybe you can think of yours right now :)

Once we realized that these phrases had a unique ability to explode arguments, we simply decided to ban them. And for several years, we have, to great effect. Of course, we still get into arguments, but this simple change has helped us work through them in a more productive way and left us less bruised in the process. In fact, if one of us lets one slip on accident, they actually now serve as something of a pressure release valve, taking down the temperature a few notches.

How comforting it is that the smallest changes can make such big differences even in relationships as grand and complicated as marriage! Whether things seem hard or easy in yours right now, never hesitate to move the needle just a little bit in the right direction. It will make a difference.

Now, of course, I would love to hear: what is the phrase that is (or should be) banned in your relationship? :)

All photos by Tanja Lippert, who is the literal best. I opened up the folder to choose a few images for this post and didn’t get past our wedding morning – then thought it might be fun to share a few “behind the scenes” snaps. After all, after eight years, you’ve seen all the glamour shots already :)

P.S. Observations on our first anniversary and putting on our work clothes

Yesterday marked the 15th anniversary of John’s and my first date. 15 years!! I am the luckiest.

The most memorable thing about that first date is not what we did, or what we said, or where we went, but how close it came to not happening at all. I was a nervous and awkward senior on the cusp of college, and it seemed a whole heck of a lot scarier to say yes and a whole heck of a lot safer to say no to his invitation.

But I did say yes (thank you, Lord!). I was musing over this yesterday, and it reminded me of something I had drafted a few months ago and never posted. (It was inspired by this essay.) As you’ll see by the first decision below, it seemed appropriate to share this week.

We each make thousands of decisions a day, but in the end, we can trace just a few back to whether we wake up smiling most days or not. Here are nine of mine, starting with the most important one.

1. I said yes to a first date. Of course, I said yes to him again several years later, but this first “yes” was the one that really mattered, the one that was in doubt – the second was a forgone conclusion. I like to think that scared, shy 17-year-old had some inkling of the happiness ahead, and boy was she right. Either that, or she just had a very wise friend giving her counsel. (Thank you, Anna!!!)

2. I didn’t work after hours. When I began my first job out of college, my boss was a workaholic with not a shred of work/life balance. As the new girl eager to prove herself, it would have been easy to fall into the same pattern. But my boss never actually told me to work after hours, and it was not my natural inclination to do so – and so I didn’t. (Guys, we all know I probably would have keeled over from the stress if I had, anyway.) 

Though I will occasionally flex my hours now and again, especially now that I’m a parent, it’s always my decision, made thoughtfully, and not because I have something to prove or nothing else to occupy my time. Setting the boundaries of work and life neatly and firmly from the start has kept both vibrant over the long-haul.

The best part: by the grace of God, that workaholic boss is the one and only – one of the most amazing transformations I’ve ever had the privilege to witness.

3. I joined a Lent study at church. Shortly after we moved to North Carolina, we began attending our church, and it was an immediate turning point of feeling “at home” in a place that felt cold and alien. But when I think about my faith walk, possibly the most important decision in my adult life of faith was joining a Bible study. It was a classic John and Emily set-up — two 22-year-olds and a handful of middle-aged women — but it was the first time I saw up close what it looked like to live out your faith, carefully consider what your faith was asking of you, apply your faith to everyday life, pray out loud, and lay on hands for blessing and healing. It also introduced us to Adam Hamilton, who as I’m sure you know has had a profound effect on the way I live out my faith.

4. I paid off my student loans fast and furious. I graduated with about $20,000 in undergraduate loan debt, and though I was making $36,000 when I graduated (and John was looking for a job!), we paid off my loans in four years. Clearing that debt relatively early developed a muscle we’re still using today and paved the way for our future financial freedom — and with it, more independence, more security, and more options in almost every facet of our life (which later made a huge difference when we had kiddos!).

5. We adopted our cats (before we were ready). The plan was to start looking once John found a job, but then one day a few months into life in NC (and many months before he was hired), we took a spin through an adoption event and fell in love. I count the fact that we walked into Petsmart that day as one of the luckiest strokes of my life, and I will always be so grateful that Jack and Oliver were ours. They were the cure for our homesickness; they made us look forward to returning from trips when nothing else did, and they made us feel like a family before we were one.

6. Much of what I love is cheap or free. It was true when it was a necessity, and it’s true now when it’s less so. Reading, walking a beautiful neighborhood, hiking, playing cards and board games, writing, ice cream and hot dogs, dinner at home with friends, outdoor movies, outdoor concerts… I don’t find it hard or expensive to have fun, and so I find that there is fun around every corner. 

7. I stepped out boldly in friendship. As a lifelong introvert, I grew up with a core group of friends that I diligently maintained but didn’t expand. Then I moved hundreds of miles away, and desperate times called for desperate measures. Each of my treasured adult friendships required a bold act of putting myself out there, and though it was intensely scary each time, each has paid priceless dividends in memories and love.

8. We live by a budget. I know, I know – is there an answer less surprising or more boring?! Our budget helps us spend money on what we value, not what anyone else values, and it has essentially erased all fear around money from our life. We make a plan at the beginning of the year, and then we follow it (adjusting along the way as necessary!), and we are SO much happier for it.

9. We decided to have children. It seems like it was a forgone conclusion, and maybe it always was — but thankfully, I wrote this post to remember the many (many, many, many) discussions we had on the topic in our pre-baby life. Our children add more joy and wonder and delight and meaning to our days than we ever could have imagined before they arrived, and I am so glad they are ours.

I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, but I’m grateful I got these things right. I’m curious: what are some of the decisions in your life that have led to happiness? I’d love to hear, if you’d like to share!

Thanks for your sweet comments on this mini series, friends! It’s been fun to write and especially fun to have John contribute. (He contributes often behind-the-scenes, but doesn’t usually get the byline!)

Today, I thought we’d wrap things up for now by offering a few thoughts on how to date your spouse, especially after having kids. It’s been an evolution over here, and I have a few tips you might like to try!

To back up a little bit: going on dates wasn’t really a “thing” in our early marriage, pre-kid life. For one, we were on a VERY tight budget ($135/month for dining out and $30/month for entertainment!). We spent a ton of time together and did lots of fun stuff, so it was kind of like we were constantly “dating,” but we very rarely went on traditional sit-down dinner dates. Instead, our weekends were an abundance of together time with lots of inexpensive fun all running together: a morning hike followed by a visit to the State Farmer’s Market followed by a country drive followed by a $3 outdoor movie.

Then, we had June, and we still went on adventures, but they felt even less like dates since we now had a third wheel. As she began to be more and more interactive, we enjoyed her company even more, but also felt the pinch of time for just the two of us. So, we tried something new: official dates!

From about her 1.5 birthday to now, with a short break when Shep was 0-8 months or so, we have gone on a dinner date every month – and it is our favorite!! A few ways we make this work well for us:

1. We mostly use high school babysitters that we know from church or our neighborhood. We pay them $9-$13 an hour depending on how many kids they’re watching and whether those kids are awake or not :)

2. Our kids are for the most part VERY reliable sleepers, so once they’re down, they’re down. Especially when they were younger and I was either breastfeeding or they could be trickier to put down, we would put them to bed a bit early, have the sitter come at 7:30 once they were already asleep, and head out for an 8pm reservation. This worked SUPER well for us.

3. Another reason we liked this plan: it maximized our time with our kids. As working parents, it can feel hard to voluntarily spend more time away from them (even though we know it’s a good thing!), so we liked that with an 8pm reservation we could still spend the whole evening with them and put them to bed – but also fill our marriage’s cup.

4. For the last few years, at the beginning of the year, we have taken out $600 from the bank and put it in a special envelope. This started one year when one of us got an unexpected bonus. As intense budgeters, it would have been very easy for us to just fold that amount into our annual budget, where it would have immediately been swallowed up. Instead, we never entered that amount into our budget, and instead took it out in cash. Every month, we use $50 of the cash toward our dinner out. (If we spend more, we just pay with a card and put it in our normal dining out budget.)

Note that this is PURELY mental gymnastics – all the money is ultimately coming from the same pot – but it FEELS different, and when it comes to money, you can’t discount feelings! From the beginning of the year, setting aside this money makes us feel like we’ve already planned for these dates, and it makes us look forward to them even more!

As I mentioned in my last post, our dates are almost always dinner out – we tend to alternate between a new spot in Raleigh or Durham and an old favorite. Either new or old, we always make a reservation – again, this helps build the anticipation, and just like with travel, the planning is half of the fun!

In addition to our dinner out each month, we try to plan one date night IN each month, as well. This is a money-saving concession at this point in our lives, since we obviously don’t have to get a babysitter! We mark these dates on our calendar just like we do for outside reservations.

What do we do? Most commonly, we’ll get takeout from a favorite spot after the kids go to bed, then choose a new-to-us movie to watch together. No phones or laptops – which it makes it feel different and special from our typical evenings. Nothing revolutionary, but it’s funny how fun a simple dinner and movie can feel when you plan in advance for it and call it a date! :)

I’d love to hear: what do you usually do for your dates? Any brilliant ideas to share with the rest of us, either for going out or staying in?

P.S. More from our wedding, because it never, ever gets old. Tanja is the best!

Welcome to part two of our marriage Q&A! (Part one here!) A note here at the start: a number of your questions nosed around the idea of overcoming challenges in our relationship, and you will notice I haven’t really answered any of them. This is not to say we are perfect or our marriage is perfect – just that we have been inordinately blessed to find our best friend in each other – and so I don’t have much to offer on the subject of overcoming major challenges in a relationship.

Thankfully, there are many people out there who have compassionate, vulnerable, insightful advice for folks looking for light. Here, I like to think of this and the rest of my marriage musings as helping to “optimize” your relationship – giving you little tips and insight as you take it from good to great, or great to legendary :)

Let’s continue!

What was the transition to marriage like for you two? Easy, hard, challenging, surprising?
John: As Emily alluded to above, it was pretty easy. We come from the same background (we grew up in the same town and have similar family experiences) and share the same outlook on life and the same core values. Another piece of Adam Hamilton wisdom: he’s said that “compatibility” is not important in a marriage, in terms of having the same personality or liking to do the same things – but having reverent respect for the other person is, and sharing the same core beliefs. We’ve found that to be true (though we do enjoy doing things together, and happen to have similar personalities, as well…).

People often talk about how marriage is so hard, but we’ve found it to be the most comfortable and best thing ever. I think the world (and people thinking about marriage) need to hear more messages about how great marriage can be and we are happy to do that.

How do you prioritize each other with two full-time jobs and two babies?
John: One thing we do is divide and conquer jobs and responsibilities around the house, especially in the evenings, so we can get it all done fast and enjoy each other’s company once the kids are in bed. As I mentioned in the first post, something we both believed in at the outset of having kids is having our marriage remain at the center of our family, not our kids. On a recommendation from a Craig Groeschel sermon, I try to always kiss Emily first when I walk in the door, then kids. We’ve also invested in some great two-person games which gives us an easy and enjoyable option when we want to do something together.
Em: Something that we did not regularly do until June was about one, but now do with great regularity, is have a date night every month. We are fairly predictable – we almost always go out to dinner – but with so many amazing restaurants in the Triangle, can you blame us?! This has become something we look forward to SO much and would now consider crucial to our relationship. Spoiler alert: more to come on this topic tomorrow :)

We also regularly take walks together in the evening after our kids are in bed. Walking and talking is a treasured connection point in our relationship (I agree completely with TJ’s perspective). As for the logistics: we have an unlimited range video monitor, and just walk in a little loop around our street :)

We also are not afraid to leave our kids from time to time. We’ve really only left them overnight twice since June was born, both times with family, but this extends to leaving them with babysitters, as well.

It sounds simple, but we always ask each other how our days at work went and really take interest in the answer. We have also learned enough about each other’s jobs, coworkers, regular challenges, etc. that we can really understand the answer and offer insight.

Finally, John specifically prays for my work every day, which means so much to me. (I try to do this, too, but I know it’s a regular practice for him!)

What are you glad you did before having kids?
John: Travel travel travel. Obviously we have traveled since having kids, but we had way more flexibility before them. We were able to experience locations in ways that are harder now, and some trips would be nearly impossible at this stage (for example, our Pacific Coast Highway road trip, where we were driving every single day, all day).
Em: Travel for sure – and not just big travel but smaller adventures, too. Day trips, if they involve long stretches of driving, are usually just not worth it in this stage of life, whereas we used to take them all the time. We also did a TON of hiking (mostly just local stuff!) before kids, and I’m so glad we have all those memories! I’m looking forward to incorporating more as our kids get older.

What’s the best gift your spouse has ever given you?
John: We are not huge gift givers to each other, in general, but when I got my new job, Emily did two things that really touched me. She had my car detailed (it’s from 2011, so that really shined it up) and picked out a really great briefcase. Her gifts spoke to her pride in me, and that meant a lot.
Em: For Mother’s Day two years in a row, John got me pairs of pink shoes that he picked out all on his own – Jack Rogers and Nike sneakers. Our respective clothing budgets are pretty tiny, so these extravagant (for us) gifts wowed me.

What about your spouse makes you the most proud?
John: It seems appropriate to say here, but I am really proud of Emily for keeping up this blog for 11 years when it’s not a business at all. Selfishly, I love looking back at posts and really appreciate this repository of memories from our life together.
Em: I am proud of so many things, but what comes to mind first is what he has made of his career. Fun fact: both John and I have worked at the same companies our entire working lives. He started on pretty much the lowest rung in the middle of the recession (after being unemployed for about a year) and after many years, he is an expert in a job he LOVES in a field he’s passionate about. He stuck it out for many boring and unexciting years and is now reaping the rewards, and I think that’s pretty amazing (and wildly unpopular in today’s culture).

What’s your favorite trip you’ve taken together?
John: France. It was beautiful and really fun, with amazing food. Plus, it was the first time to Europe for both of us and we had taken French class together in high school and college, so it felt like a full-circle moment.
Em: California. We really did it up at a time when we were much more budget-conscious than we are now. It had everything – great food, beautiful scenery, memorable accommodations. I’d do that exact trip over every year if time and money were no object!

What is something most people don’t know about your spouse?
John: Emily’s favorite genre of movies and shows is government conspiracy/action thrillers. Favorites include 24, Bodyguard, Enemy of the State, Homeland, Air Force One, Casino Royale, and all of the Mission Impossibles.
Em: Back at the very beginning of my career, I helped plan weddings with the company that preceded Southern Weddings (it phased out a few years later). John was often hired to help on-site on wedding days, and his special contribution was tying chair bows (he even originated a knot we used many times over!). He’s tied hundreds of chair bows.

Tomorrow, we’ll be answering a final question: recommendations for dating your spouse when you have kids (low-cost and at-home in particular!)? I touched on it above just a bit, but it’s a topic we’ve never really covered here, and I’m excited to dig in!

There’s a lot to unpack here: any other movie thrill seekers? Chair bow enthusiasts? What trip would you take over and over again if you could?

P.S. More from our wedding, because it never, ever gets old. Tanja is the best!