Transferring to your college Always installing the car seats Serving as your human alarm clock Folding tiny pairs of underwear just so Reading an essay he wants to share with you as you both lie in bed and not minding when you fall asleep halfway through Going to small group, pressing into friendship Driving the old car
The middle-of-the-night parent, the patient parent, the fun parent
Hearing “my wife” across the room, a thrill still Researching the candidates Falling asleep with the light on and Grumbling about how you stay up too late to read
Making every hard decision less scary Never ever giving you a reason to doubt Always reaching for you, always beside you
An unending conversation with my best friend Who we were and who we are The most fun we’ve ever had So simple, so grand.
In honor of our 12th anniversary, inspired by Jen.
The last of my grandparents passed away at the end of January, and on this day of love, I’d be honored to tell you a little bit about her.
Some of you, actually, may already be acquainted: I was lucky enough to feature her in my Marvelous Mama series at the age of 90, where she charmed many readers by recalling the August night she was ready to hand off her would-not-stop-crying baby to any random passerby :)
That interview also gave me one of the simplest and dearest nuggets that I have tucked close to my mothering heart for the last eight years. Best tip for a new parent? I asked. Enjoy being a mother, she said.
That’s it.
Enjoy being a mother.
Not sleep training advice or picky eater advice or how best to think about balancing independence and safety or how to help with homework while instilling responsibility or how to balance work and home duties.
Also, not the stinging, “cherish each moment, the years go by so fast!” admonishment, well-intentioned but with embedded heartbreak.
No — here and now, just enjoy what you have. Enjoy who you are and whose you are and the role you get to fill.
To me, the simplicity of this invitation stops the blustering parental advice machine in its tracks. It quiets to the truth: This is my life. (I am a mother.) These are my kids. (I am their mother.) These are the people I have been given to care for and teach and discipline and feed and listen to and read to and tuck in and… enjoy. In all of that and more, it’s my choice whether I will enjoy.
And since this interview, which came when June was in her first year of life, I have (imperfectly, but faithfully). I wrote about it on June’s first birthday; I’ve thought about it daily. I speak it over myself like a prayer.
And I have had a model in my grandmother, because from what I can tell, she did enjoy being a mother. In fact, she seemed to enjoy every aspect of her life.
This is not because it was easy.
Bang was born in 1926, a true Depression-era baby. After a wealthy childhood (her family had a maid!), she rolled up her sleeves and moved to a dairy farm in Connecticut, raising six children with her husband. She patched clothes and devised frugal meals to feed a crowd. Her career path, though winding, always involved helping those in need: she worked with the Red Cross, for the Department of Children and Families, as a teacher, and with special needs kids. She served on many boards and committees and stepped into countless volunteer roles. Most painfully, she lost her beloved 32-year-old daughter to a drunk driver.
My grandparents at their 50th anniversary party
But Bang would tell you she had a wonderful life. She was married for over fifty years. She continued the legacy of a beautiful and historic family farm (the oldest continuously-working family farm in Connecticut, in fact). Her six children gave her seven grandchildren and five great-grandchildren, all of whom adored her. Until she needed nursing care at the end, she never lived more than a mile from at least one of her children. She was surrounded by loving community at every stage of her life, from her church, to her farming extension, to regional choruses, her extended family, and her island community in Maine. She did work that mattered. She spent time in the sunshine every day.
Playing on the beach in Maine while pregnant with Shep
Her worst offense? Trying to insert herself into every conversation within earshot (simply to listen – she was not one to give unwelcome advice). She had a ready smile and a generous, head-thrown-back laugh. She delighted in the people around her and was content to simply be near her family, even if she couldn’t follow our conversations as closely in the last few years.
Her Depression-era upbringing made for some of her most memorable characteristics. She didn’t want anything to go to waste, obviously, so she indulged in all the usual practices like folding wrapping paper and picking turkey carcasses to the bone. Her home was a maze of books to be donated and stacks of china a grandchild might one day want to have.
This actually led to an unusual family tradition I remember quite fondly. For several years, Bang provided all of the gifts for our extended-family Yankee Swap — by way of my aunts: they selected random items from her house and wrapped them for the exchange, seeing it as a way to remove a few items from the house in a way that Bang would accept. Some years you got a brand-new set of steak knives, sometimes you got an oven mitt imprinted with a local realtor’s contact info.
Family photos on the steps at our cottage in Maine, decades apart (in the top photo, my Dad is in yellow and Bang is in pink)
If there’s one tradition that sums Bang up, though, it’s probably this: at every holiday, she set a very long table (even when the table wasn’t her own). Our family has its share of glue at the seams, but that didn’t phase her. For years, our Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter dinner table might include her children, their spouses, and her grandchildren, yes, but also her children’s ex-wives, their new husbands, and various step-children. Everyone was not only welcome, but personally invited and expected to show up. Most people wouldn’t even think to extend the invitation, or if they did, would worry about awkwardness ensuing. That was not a concern for Bang, and her guileless, sunny personality made everyone feel welcome. Her love for people was unconditional.
So — there is clearly much to love, and much to emulate, here. In 2016, I wrote that “I would be thrilled to be just like her when I turn 90,” and I still feel that way. So the important question for me, now, is this: how can my life, in my home and in my 2024 setting, look more like hers? How can I, with my own circumstances and personality and responsibilities, be more like her? Our contexts are different, yes, but the direction to move in is the same, I think:
Love God.
Love and honor my husband.
Work on things that matter. Aim to help the least of these, no matter my job description.
Value extended family. Gather with them. See each imperfect person as the image bearer they are, and show obvious delight in them.
Focus on tending my mind and heart more than my looks and wardrobe. Think less about what I wear and how I look. Do more crossword puzzles.
Cherish simplicity. Be easy to delight.
Commit, and then show up. Give my best to help my church, schools, and local circles thrive. Act as a “pillar of the community” would.
Remember and honor the past. Tell family stories, even the worn-out ones everyone knows by heart.
Be “everyday active.” Build a life that’s as outside and active as possible.
Give generously and relationally. Don’t be afraid to see people up close, to draw near to them in their messiness and suffering.
Sing loudly and often. Laugh loudly and often.
And just try to enjoy it all.
Dancing with my Dad at my wedding
Bang lived a wonderful life. She is with Jesus, my grandfather, and her beloved daughter, whom she has waited so long to be reunited with (truly, the only part of this post that makes me tear up as I write it). She is no longer suffering, and she can listen in on all of our conversations with perfect clarity :)
Thank you, Bang, for everything. And thank you, friends, for letting me share. xo
We came home from last year’s 10th wedding anniversary trip to Mexico determined to get away at least once a year from now on, even if briefly. Though this year’s trip isn’t as spectacular as last year’s (11 doesn’t have quite the heft as 10 :)), I’d love to share a few photos and details from our weekend in Charleston, if you’d like to see!
The logistics of our anniversary weekend
Though I was pulling for a three-night stay, John’s preference for two nights – for cost considerations – won out. We woke the kids up at their normal time on Friday morning to say goodbye, and then left them in my parents’ capable hands to make the four-hour drive to Charleston. We stayed two nights and left around 10:30am on Sunday to head home.
Where we stayed in Charleston
We booked our hotel late last year. After much research, John chose The Charleston Place: we wanted to be centrally located, and it’s smack-dab in the middle of the downtown action. We considered a number of “trendier” hotels, including the Dewberry, the Vendue, and Zero George, but were surprised by how much more expensive they were than Charleston Place – which itself was already expensive! Charleston Place was absolutely wonderful, and we would definitely stay there again if we had the chance.
What we did on our weekend in Charleston
On Friday, we pulled into Mount Pleasant, a suburb of Charleston, just in time for a later lunch. Since we have both been to Charleston a few times before, we thought it would be fun to explore a new-to-us area on this trip. We ate lunch at the Post House Inn, which is just adorable perfection with a Southern-meets-California vibe – I felt like we were on the set of a Nancy Meyer’s movie. The food was good, too :)
After lunch we strolled the neighborhoods, taking in the adorable and stately homes, and walked all the way out to the Pitt Street Bridge for a view of the marsh. We also may have stumbled upon a certain very famous influencer doing her influencer thing, husband behind the camera, while we walked, purely by chance. We gave them a wide berth and tried to act natural while we strolled past :)
It was about 3:30 when we got back to our car in the village center, and we stumbled across the most charming scene: school had just gotten out, and there were piles of bikes scattered in front of the local pharmacy, with kids of all ages inside sitting at the soda fountain counter, sipping milkshakes and buying penny candy. I was ready to move in to the neighborhood!
After getting our fix of village nostalgia, we drove over the bridge to Charleston proper and checked into our hotel. We had a later dinner reservation, so we got into our suits and took a dip in the rooftop pool, then changed for dinner and walked around the historic district and out to the Battery for a bit before heading to the restaurant. The weather was absolutely perfect, as it was for most of the weekend.
I took this pic to send to Lisa, since I was wearing my beloved Ella heels! Also fun: I’m wearing a dress I borrowed from Bethany in our ongoing clothing exchange :)
John chose both of our dinner reservations, and on Friday we ate at High Cotton. It is classic and steakhouse-adjacent, and definitely a place people go to celebrate occasions – the couple sitting two tables over was celebrating their anniversary, and then the couple that sat down at the table next to us later in the meal was also married on September 15th! The service was particularly friendly and excellent.
The next morning, after a brief kerfuffle over where to eat breakfast (more on that below), we walked over to a traveling exhibition of the artwork of the Sistine Chapel. We hadn’t planned to buy tickets – we didn’t know about it beforehand! – but had walked by the building the day before and thought it looked neat. And it was! We spent about an hour and a half listening to the audio guide, walking slowly around the space, and taking in the art before heading back into the sunshine.
From there, we popped into a few shops on King Street – Candlefish, Savanah Bee Company, Amanda Lindroth, Faherty. I wish we had had time to get to the other end of King, where Lake, Roller Rabbit, and a few other favorites are located, but maybe next time :)
We had had a late breakfast and had a late dinner planned, so mid-afternoon we picked up a few treats from Vivian Howard’s grab-and-go shop, Handy & Hot, then headed back to our hotel to read on the rooftop deck. We did read for a bit, and indulged in gourmet hot dogs that were grilling on the roof, but pretty quickly headed back out on the hotel’s complimentary bikes. We took them all over the historic district and out to the Battery and this was, unsurprisingly, one of my favorite parts of the weekend.
With an 8pm dinner reservation, we had plenty of time to get gussied up, walk over to the Dewberry Hotel, and take the elevator up to the Citrus Club. This is the Dewberry Hotel’s rooftop bar, and several people had recommended we grab a drink there (at sunset, if possible!).
Important to know: they do not take reservations. When we arrived at 6:45, they had one table left, and it was inside (there are only about 4 tables inside total). We gladly took it, especially because even with an inside table, you’re welcome to walk out to the rooftop deck. The view was spectacular – worth paying for the very expensive drinks :)
Dinner was at Charleston Place’s restaurant, Charleston Grill, and it was the epitome of fine dining. It was an incredible treat and we had a delicious and very special evening.
After two absolutely gorgeous days, we woke up to rain on Sunday. We ended up eating at Charleston Place’s more casual spot for breakfast, and while it was delicious and a really pretty space, I think if the weather had been nicer we would have ventured elsewhere – it was a little more than we would have preferred to pay for breakfast.
After that, we hopped in the car and headed home to our babies!
Now about that kerfuffle. A few friends had asked if we were planning to do any marriage-esque exercises on this trip. (If you recall, we had a full slate of questions to work through last year, which was really wonderful and added so much to our trip.) For year 11, we did not have any formal activities planned… but apparently God had an informal one planned (ha!).
Let’s set the scene. It’s Saturday morning, and we’re trying to decide where to eat breakfast. We both want bagel sandwiches. I am harboring a teensy bit of bubbling resentment for John booking our other meals unilaterally. (Which, I know! I should have been nothing but grateful that he chose such spectacular spots for us!) We decide to try one place, but see another coffee shop on the way there that looks super cute. We duck in, but there are a bunch of people there, it’s a small space, and it’s a little confusing what’s actually on the menu. We leave. We arrive at the original place. It is… unassuming, and I am not thrilled. Turns out they do not have bagel sandwiches. Now no one is thrilled, and everyone is hungry.
John suggests we go to Caviar & Bananas, a breakfast spot we’ve been to on many trips to Charleston before. We proceed to get in an argument about how what I value in vacation restaurants seems to get dismissed (me), and how I seem ungrateful and illogical (John, I can only assume). We huff along to C&B. We order bagels. We eat them. We make up and continue on with our vacation, and it is lovely.
On the car ride home, we listened to a sermon on James 4:1-12, called “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble.” John cued it up, and I can only imagine this was not an accident, ha. It’s worth a listen, but for us, the upshot was that though we like to think that the reason we experience conflict is because of other people, really (according to James) the reason we experience conflict is because we are not getting something we want, something we feel entitled to. We feel that other person is keeping us from it.
James goes on to say that conflict points to the presence in our heart of two things that have nothing to do with the other person – idolatry, and a lack of trust in God. The key to overcoming the conflict is to humble yourself, admitting that your idolatrous desires are fanning the flames. The other person might be at fault, but the reason you’re raging and bitter is because your idolatrous heart has latched on to something other than God that you think is necessary for happiness.
Boom. We turned off the sermon, and both were able to name the things that we were coveting the previous morning – the things that we felt we were being kept from – that led to our argument. It’s not that what we desired was all bad, just that it was leading us to mistreat another person.
Anyway, I know those are some big Christian words (covet! idols!), and the sermon certainly put it more elegantly than I did, but it was sweet to see that God didn’t let us finish our weekend without healing the sore spot. And though we didn’t necessarily set out to learn a new truth about relationships, He had something else in mind.
There’s never a dull day in marriage, am I right? :) Thank you, as always, for coming along for the ride!
Our trip to Florida was wonderful. It was many things – a spring break getaway, a warm-weather delight early in the season, abundant cousin time, a chance to eat more frozen bananas and return to one of our favorite idyllic spots – but mostly, it was time together to honor my in-law’s fifty years of marriage. I would love to share a bit about our celebration today!
First, though, the rest of the trip: it was a dream. We had near-perfect weather, with nary a drop of rain until we drove out of town: it was mid-70’s and sunny or partly cloudy most days. Like last time, we rented a large home in Watercolor and rode our bikes and the included golf cart all over the community.
We ate the aforementioned frozen bananas, we played pickleball and tennis, we went to the beach, we worshipped at the Seaside Chapel on Palm Sunday.
We went to all three pools (Camp Watercolor, the Frog Pool, and the beach club), we set out in a flotilla of paddle boards and kayaks, we cooked lots of meals, we played lots of cards. We took many evening walks, and I even finished two books (this one and this one!).
We also took a jaunt one evening to North Beach Social, a bayside restaurant with outdoor tables, a kids’ area, and live music. We had a blast and it was the perfect spot to celebrate my nephew’s fourth birthday (complete with a Publix cake, a Florida classic!).
It was particularly fun to watch Annie enjoy herself, as she was just two months old when we visited in 2021. She was ob-sessed with the big waterslide at Camp Watercolor and belly-flopping into the pool; took a hilarious and inexplicable disliking to her Uncle Seth, who is a reliable kid charmer (he won her over by the end of the week!); loved riding in the Bee alongside a cousin; and enjoyed being the only kid to accompany her mama and aunts on a shopping trip one morning.
I was a poor influencer on this trip, as almost all of my camera roll is filled with smiling family members instead of scenic hot spots. If you’re interested in a few more details about what there is to do and see in Watercolor, my post from 2021 might help!
What I would love to go into detail on, though, is how we celebrated my in-law’s wedding anniversary. As we all know, celebrating well usually takes a lot of intentionality and forethought. I’ve missed opportunities to do so many times! As a group, I think we pulled together a really sweet and meaningful evening, and I’d love to share what we did in case it helps one of you with your own celebration.
First, it’s worth mentioning that my in-law’s graciously footed the bill for the majority of the house rental. On the one hand, this is kind of funny – we were celebrating them! On the other, when I think about myself and John (should we be lucky enough to celebrate 50 years of marriage and have the means to do so), there will likely almost nothing else we’d rather spend money on than bringing together our kids and grandkids for a week. So yes, I totally get it. We are incredibly grateful they chose to help make this week happen for all of us.
Most of the week was a fairly typical vacation (see above), but Wednesday was set aside for the official celebration. A couple of months before, we had booked a private chef to come to the house and prepare dinner. This ended up being a fantastic decision. We were visiting Florida during spring break week, and it was busy. If all 15 of us had tried to go to a sit-down restaurant for our special dinner, it likely would have been a) chaotic, b) loud, c) challenging to be present while managing small children, d) expensive, or e) all of the above.
Instead, we had a peaceful, delicious dinner in our lovely rental home where we enjoyed conversation and our kids enjoyed themselves, too. For four courses, we paid just over 1,000 for 15 of us, which included tax, service fees, gratuity, the private chef, and a server. We booked through Swiftly Catered and would recommend them!
A few other intentional details and highlights of the night:
We tidied the downstairs before the chef arrived. Of course, we tried to keep the common areas clear throughout the week, but things pile up with so many people staying together. We cleaned off surfaces, tucked away pool bags, and scooped up board books and crayon pouches. This made a huge difference!
We dressed for the occasion. From grandparents to preschoolers, we all chose a more formal outfit for the evening’s festivities. Since we weren’t transitioning to a new space as in a restaurant, this helped it feel more like an occasion. Everyone looked lovely :)
The kids dined separately. While we enjoyed the hors d’oeuvres course, the kids were busy upstairs (more on that below). For the rest of the meal, they were seated on the screened porch while the grown-ups (and Annie, in a high chair), ate in the dining room. This was how we ate most dinners, and it was perfect: we could see them clearly, but could not hear them, ha. Once the kids finished their meal (much more quickly than us!), we settled them in with a movie upstairs and enjoyed another hour of conversation.
The kids stole the show. At least one of the cousins has a theatrical streak, and somehow the 7 of them decided to write and perform an original song. And so they did :) It was, you know, not the MOST musically advanced, but they knew their audience and the grandparents loved it.
We asked questions. With my brothers-in-law leading the way, we used our dinner table conversation to guide my in-laws into reminiscing about their 50 years together. We talked about how they met, their first date, what attracted them to each other, their engagement and wedding, their hardest and best years of marriage, and more. It was funny and sweet and I think it meant a lot to them to get to share. (And of course we all loved it.)
We wrote notes. Some of the family is more reserved, so emotional, long-winded toasts aren’t really the group’s vibe. Instead, each child + spouse pair wrote a note in advance to share with the parents. This was quite meaningful to me, and John’s parents reflected that it was meaningful to them, as well. Just as John has been with me for more than half of my life, so have his parents. I was grateful to have a reason to share with them again my gratitude for the gift that their son is to me and our children, for all that they sacrificed to give me that gift, to thank them for specific moments in our past, and to share what their marriage and role in my life has meant to me. I’m tearing up just thinking about it! It can feel strange to be so vulnerable, but it is always worth it.
We played the not-so-newlywed game. To finish the evening, we pulled out two white boards and a prepared list of questions and compared their answers to questions like “do you have a song?” and “what was his/her first job?” We laughed, we learned a few new things – a perfect cap to the evening.
Something else we talked about at dinner: our memories of our grandparents’ 50th anniversaries. Both John’s and his sisters’ Dad’s parents and my Dad’s parents were lucky enough to reach 50 years of marriage, and we all remember the celebrations – in their case, a party in the church basement, and in mine, a party on the church lawn :) All happy memories. I hope our children will have the same many years from now.
I’d love to hear: do you have memories of celebrations for your parents’ or grandparents’ milestone anniversaries? Did you do something memorable to celebrate? Please share!
