I am the standard

On the occasion of June’s second birthday, I finished a draft of a post but never sent it out into the world. Though I knew what I what trying to say, I couldn’t find the right combination of words to express myself, and I didn’t want to be misunderstood.

That draft began with the sentence “Being June’s mama has felt like the easiest thing in the world.” Here’s a bit more from that never-posted post:

Being her mama has felt like the easiest thing in the world, the easiest role to slip on, because it’s me. I am just myself. Being her mama is who I am, who I was created to be – not in the sense that it is my ultimate purpose, but in the sense that when I was created, I was given everything this little girl would need in a mama. She needs ME – my attention, my presence, my gaze, my arms – and that, I can give her.

That’s not to say I haven’t acquired skills and grown as a mother along the way, or that June doesn’t need anything from anyone else (I have, and she most certainly does). What I meant was that I don’t need to do or be anything special to be a good mama to her – in fact, it usually looks like me doing a whole lot less. Sitting and watching. Reading. Playing. Laughing into her eyes. Inviting her into my chores. Walking beside each other.

Photo by my friend Traci Huffman

I hesitated on this post in part because it’s so different than the narrative I usually hear — which is that the most important things are always the most challenging, and that motherhood is the hardest but best work there is (similar to marriage).

Of course, there are moments in motherhood I find quite trying, and others when I second-guess myself. I’m not perfect. But I also don’t expect myself to be, and perhaps that’s the key difference. Right now, if I show June that I love her, if I keep her safe, if I do something to help her grow… I consider the day and myself an unqualified success. Full stop.

That’s kind of where I ended my original draft, but I still felt unsatisfied, like I hadn’t quite captured what I was trying to say. But then, in a re-read of one of my favorite books, I stumbled upon a passage that so perfectly encapsulated my thoughts I nearly leaped out of bed. I’m including the bulk of it here, even though it’s long:

YES! I am the standard!

This may be an obvious point, but I think one important reason being a parent seems easy to me is that I’m not measuring myself against an unreasonable “other,” a polished amalgamation of social media highlights or anything else. Being a “good enough” mother — my standard — isn’t about aiming lower or doing less. It’s about making sure that everything I do or don’t do, everything I try to learn or get better at, comes from my own sense of what’s right for my child, my family, and my unique situation. And remembering that if I’m living up to my own standards, there isn’t anything more to want.

Happy Mother’s Day, friends. I hope you’re able to give and receive love from the ladies who’ve meant the most to you this weekend!

P.S. I loved this post so much, too.