Welcome to part two of our marriage Q&A! (Part one here!) A note here at the start: a number of your questions nosed around the idea of overcoming challenges in our relationship, and you will notice I haven’t really answered any of them. This is not to say we are perfect or our marriage is perfect – just that we have been inordinately blessed to find our best friend in each other – and so I don’t have much to offer on the subject of overcoming major challenges in a relationship.

Thankfully, there are many people out there who have compassionate, vulnerable, insightful advice for folks looking for light. Here, I like to think of this and the rest of my marriage musings as helping to “optimize” your relationship – giving you little tips and insight as you take it from good to great, or great to legendary :)

Let’s continue!

What was the transition to marriage like for you two? Easy, hard, challenging, surprising?
John: As Emily alluded to above, it was pretty easy. We come from the same background (we grew up in the same town and have similar family experiences) and share the same outlook on life and the same core values. Another piece of Adam Hamilton wisdom: he’s said that “compatibility” is not important in a marriage, in terms of having the same personality or liking to do the same things – but having reverent respect for the other person is, and sharing the same core beliefs. We’ve found that to be true (though we do enjoy doing things together, and happen to have similar personalities, as well…).

People often talk about how marriage is so hard, but we’ve found it to be the most comfortable and best thing ever. I think the world (and people thinking about marriage) need to hear more messages about how great marriage can be and we are happy to do that.

How do you prioritize each other with two full-time jobs and two babies?
John: One thing we do is divide and conquer jobs and responsibilities around the house, especially in the evenings, so we can get it all done fast and enjoy each other’s company once the kids are in bed. As I mentioned in the first post, something we both believed in at the outset of having kids is having our marriage remain at the center of our family, not our kids. On a recommendation from a Craig Groeschel sermon, I try to always kiss Emily first when I walk in the door, then kids. We’ve also invested in some great two-person games which gives us an easy and enjoyable option when we want to do something together.
Em: Something that we did not regularly do until June was about one, but now do with great regularity, is have a date night every month. We are fairly predictable – we almost always go out to dinner – but with so many amazing restaurants in the Triangle, can you blame us?! This has become something we look forward to SO much and would now consider crucial to our relationship. Spoiler alert: more to come on this topic tomorrow :)

We also regularly take walks together in the evening after our kids are in bed. Walking and talking is a treasured connection point in our relationship (I agree completely with TJ’s perspective). As for the logistics: we have an unlimited range video monitor, and just walk in a little loop around our street :)

We also are not afraid to leave our kids from time to time. We’ve really only left them overnight twice since June was born, both times with family, but this extends to leaving them with babysitters, as well.

It sounds simple, but we always ask each other how our days at work went and really take interest in the answer. We have also learned enough about each other’s jobs, coworkers, regular challenges, etc. that we can really understand the answer and offer insight.

Finally, John specifically prays for my work every day, which means so much to me. (I try to do this, too, but I know it’s a regular practice for him!)

What are you glad you did before having kids?
John: Travel travel travel. Obviously we have traveled since having kids, but we had way more flexibility before them. We were able to experience locations in ways that are harder now, and some trips would be nearly impossible at this stage (for example, our Pacific Coast Highway road trip, where we were driving every single day, all day).
Em: Travel for sure – and not just big travel but smaller adventures, too. Day trips, if they involve long stretches of driving, are usually just not worth it in this stage of life, whereas we used to take them all the time. We also did a TON of hiking (mostly just local stuff!) before kids, and I’m so glad we have all those memories! I’m looking forward to incorporating more as our kids get older.

What’s the best gift your spouse has ever given you?
John: We are not huge gift givers to each other, in general, but when I got my new job, Emily did two things that really touched me. She had my car detailed (it’s from 2011, so that really shined it up) and picked out a really great briefcase. Her gifts spoke to her pride in me, and that meant a lot.
Em: For Mother’s Day two years in a row, John got me pairs of pink shoes that he picked out all on his own – Jack Rogers and Nike sneakers. Our respective clothing budgets are pretty tiny, so these extravagant (for us) gifts wowed me.

What about your spouse makes you the most proud?
John: It seems appropriate to say here, but I am really proud of Emily for keeping up this blog for 11 years when it’s not a business at all. Selfishly, I love looking back at posts and really appreciate this repository of memories from our life together.
Em: I am proud of so many things, but what comes to mind first is what he has made of his career. Fun fact: both John and I have worked at the same companies our entire working lives. He started on pretty much the lowest rung in the middle of the recession (after being unemployed for about a year) and after many years, he is an expert in a job he LOVES in a field he’s passionate about. He stuck it out for many boring and unexciting years and is now reaping the rewards, and I think that’s pretty amazing (and wildly unpopular in today’s culture).

What’s your favorite trip you’ve taken together?
John: France. It was beautiful and really fun, with amazing food. Plus, it was the first time to Europe for both of us and we had taken French class together in high school and college, so it felt like a full-circle moment.
Em: California. We really did it up at a time when we were much more budget-conscious than we are now. It had everything – great food, beautiful scenery, memorable accommodations. I’d do that exact trip over every year if time and money were no object!

What is something most people don’t know about your spouse?
John: Emily’s favorite genre of movies and shows is government conspiracy/action thrillers. Favorites include 24, Bodyguard, Enemy of the State, Homeland, Air Force One, Casino Royale, and all of the Mission Impossibles.
Em: Back at the very beginning of my career, I helped plan weddings with the company that preceded Southern Weddings (it phased out a few years later). John was often hired to help on-site on wedding days, and his special contribution was tying chair bows (he even originated a knot we used many times over!). He’s tied hundreds of chair bows.

Tomorrow, we’ll be answering a final question: recommendations for dating your spouse when you have kids (low-cost and at-home in particular!)? I touched on it above just a bit, but it’s a topic we’ve never really covered here, and I’m excited to dig in!

There’s a lot to unpack here: any other movie thrill seekers? Chair bow enthusiasts? What trip would you take over and over again if you could?

P.S. More from our wedding, because it never, ever gets old. Tanja is the best!

This week we’re celebrating seven years of marriage! (And about 14.5 years of being together!) I invited your questions about our relationship recently, and on the drive home from our MS ride, John and I answered as many as we could get to. Here’s the first installment…

What’s the best piece of marriage advice you’ve ever received?
John: The first piece that comes to mind is one that just hit home recently, from a sermon by Adam Hamilton (starts at about 31:00). Being better partners makes us better parents, but being better parents won’t necessarily make us better partners. I also love the C.S. Lewis reading from our wedding.
Em: This is still the most impactful advice I’ve ever received.

How do you choose new adventures together?
Em: We love talking about our dreams a LOT. We both score highly for the Futuristic Strengthsfinder theme (“People exceptionally talented in the Futuristic theme are inspired by the future and what could be. They energize others with their visions of the future.”). We talk about what we hope to do next week, month, year, in ten years and fifty years. We talk about what we want our future summers to look like, future anniversaries, camping trips, even our retirement! We talk things out and discuss different options until we circle around what excites us both most and what is possible.
John: Our end-of-year dinner is the culmination of this. At that dinner, we make decisions about where we’ll travel in the next year, we narrow down what adventures we want to have, and we set family goals. Emily also wrote a post about how we find interesting things to do here.

What random/trivial thing do you argue about most often?
John: Issues of food safety can be contentious around here – when leftovers need to be thrown out, what is safe to eat in our refrigerator, if something sat out on the counter too long, etc.
Em: When John misses a turn, he will take FOREVER to find somewhere to turn around, and my aggravation at this is definitely disproportional to his actions. Also I can definitely cosign on food safety issues, though John wouldn’t say that’s trivial, ha.

What do you do when you feel like being alone/introverted, as a spouse or a parent?
Em: John likes to nap – he’ll often take a short nap in the evenings on weeknights, and loves taking a longer nap on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon – so that’s my alone time. I usually use it for writing here!
John: I definitely like to nap.

Do you pray together? Read the Bible together? Would love ideas for growing together.
Em: I hope to grow more in terms of praying together and reading the Bible together, but we mostly do those things on our own right now (aside from praying at meals or extraordinary circumstances). At least once a week, we’ll listen to a sermon together (in addition to worshiping at our own church) and talk about it. This gives us a common vocabulary to explore the world and grow our faith. As classic Enneagram 5’s, we love to learn together :)

You and John are both Enneagram 5s, correct? Tips for handling similar wiring?
Em: Correct! I could see how a marriage of two of the same types of other types might be more of an issue, but we’ve seen more positives from being the same type. We naturally face most challenges and try to solve most problems the same way, and it’s usually very easy for us to “read” each other and understand and have compassion for the motivations behind our behaviors.
John: As two introverts, we have an awareness of how easy it would be for us to stick to ourselves. I’m grateful that Emily takes the lead as our social coordinator and organizes things with our friends for the most part. She is definitely the more social of the two of us.

Hardest and best part of marriage?
John: We have had our issues with navigating collective action (i.e. assuming the other person will do the dishes). Emily is my best friend and because we’re married, she’s the person I get to spend the most time with. She makes my life so much more full and more fun.
Em: Some of our biggest challenges have been how to divvy up vacations with our families, given our limited resources of time and money. As for the best part – there are so many things I could choose, but as a person who has sometimes felt misunderstood by people when they first meet me, to be fully known, fully seen, and fully loved – by someone I fully trust – is a gift.

Up next: what we’re glad we did before having kids, how we prioritize each other with two full-time jobs, something you might not know about each of us, and more – plus one question that I decided needed its own post!

P.S. More from our wedding, because it never, ever gets old. Tanja is the best!

How do you like to spend your evenings?

About 75% of the time on a night we’re at home, I’m on my laptop. This feels like a lame answer, but it is what it is – since I try to limit screens as much as possible when our kiddos are awake, the time after they go to bed is when I tackle both life necessities – answering emails, updating our budget, ordering more wipes, booking an appointment – and luxuriating in my favorite hobbies (reading blogs and writing my own posts, mostly! :)). I reserve the last half hour or hour once I’m in bed for reading.

John usually occupies himself by reading, watching a show, studying, and taking care of his own life necessities. Sometimes we’ll watch something together, or work on a project (travel planning, when we’re lucky!). But one of the best ways we’ve found to switch things up on a random weeknight is to play a game together.

I know so many of us are looking to break the habit of social media scrolling or mindless TV watching (or worse, both at once!) and connect more purposefully, so I thought I’d share a few of our favorites!

Our favorite two-person games:

Sagrada | Pictured above, this is a gorgeous game that can be played by up to 4 people but is the rare find that I think is actually better with 2!
Monopoly Deal | Forget all your dreadful memories of Monopoly – this card game is quick (15 minutes!) and addictive!
Seven Wonders Duel | Seven Wonders is one of our favorite games to play with a group, and this slim-downed version succeeds at bringing the fun to a party of two.
Eight-Minute Empire | I like that this board is petite, so it’s possible to play in our armchairs, on the little table between them, instead of at our kitchen table. Plus, for some reason I beat John about 75% of the time :)
Rock Me Archimedes | We actually don’t own this, but have given it to several family members and love playing it when we’re at one of those recipient’s houses!

Other great two-person games:

Boggle | You know I love me some Boggle, but rolling the dice is SUPER loud, so it’s not the best fit for this season of life where we’re often playing when kiddos are sleeping!
Farkle | I’ve only played this in a larger group, but apparently you can play it with two people, too. Bonus: you just need six dice to play this game!
Mancala | We don’t have our own board yet, but played this all the time growing up! I’m thinking June might be ready in a year or two.
Scattergories | We play this often with 3+, but I suppose you could play it with two people, too.
Set | This game is quick and keeps you on your toes – a different style of play than many of the others listed here.
Scrabble
Double Solitaire
Othello
Quiddler
Sequence
Yahtzee
Bananagrams

Two-person games suggested by readers!

Blockus
Linkee
El Dorado
Sushi Go!
Battle Sheep

I’d love to hear if you have any games to add to our list! And, how do you spend your evenings?

Affiliate links are used in this post!

We celebrated our fourteenth dativersary this week. Can you believe it? Three more years, and we’ll have spent as much time together in this life as we have apart. We are the luckiest.

For all that has been written about the “emotional labor” and disproportionate household tasks that fall on women, I have been feeling super grateful lately for the little things John does to keep our household (and lives!) running smoothly. These aren’t tasks that would make their way onto a chore chart – though he does plenty of those, too – and they can so easily be taken for granted. I don’t want to do that, so I’m celebrating a few of them here. My sweet husband…

…refills our humidifiers
…washes and sanitizes bottles and pump parts every night
…packs our leftovers into John and Emily lunch-size portions after dinner
…stops our mail before every trip
…empties our robot vacuum after each tour of duty
…replaces my toothbrush head however often you’re supposed to do that
…finds and plugs my phone in to charge every night
…serves as my personal alarm clock every morning
…adjusts the thermostat to our preferred temperature upon waking and retiring
…makes June’s breakfast and fills her water bottle before school
…remembers to put our bath mat in the wash every so often
…keeps the nails of four members of our household trimmed (not including me, for the record)
…and replaces all the toilet paper, everywhere, always.

Notice a small thing today, friends, and thank someone for it :)

P.S. Our love story and five intentions.

A picture from our first summer together, above :)