Three years ago, I wrote a post about preparing financially for a baby (my most-requested Marvelous Money topic at the time!). I promised in that post to revisit the topic at some point in the future when I actually had children, and I’m so happy to do so today! My angle: what it actually cost us to add a baby to our family in the first year.

Several of you have shared that you think of me as a “big sister” going a few steps ahead of you, which is wonderfully sweet and a title I take seriously. I want to share these numbers not because you’ll be able to copy and paste them into your own life, but because if you’re thinking about having children and wondering how it will affect your finances (hand of my younger self raised high!), it is incredibly hard to find useful numbers.

I hope this post offers some hope, helpful perspective, and fodder for conversation with your spouse! :)

First, a few details about the parameters I chose:

— Our daughter was born in January, which is excellent for sharing numbers, since we budget every dollar on an annual basis. I’ve included all of the June-related costs from 2016 here (unless otherwise noted), as well as the June-related costs from 2015 that we incurred while preparing for her arrival.
— I have not included the retail price of gifts we received, items we borrowed, etc. here — just what we actually paid out of pocket. Obviously, there is a HUGE range of prices for everything baby-related, and it can make a big difference how much you buy used or buy at all. This is not meant to be a universal cost breakdown but just a glimpse at one family’s expenses based on our unique circumstances and priorities.
— I did not include any healthcare costs, as those were paid for by savings in our HSA and I don’t consider them “out of pocket.”
— I did not include “shelter” costs (i.e. our mortgage) or transportation, since we would have had those anyway. I also did not include any portion of our grocery budget, because it did not change in June’s first year with us.

That should cover the preliminaries! Here’s the breakdown, with explanation following…

Birth: This included our birth class and our doula.

Books: I bought four pregnancy and parenting books – my favorites are here!

Childcare: This is by far the largest portion of the total, but I have not even an iota of regret about spending this money! There is almost nothing I would rather spend on than making sure June is safe, loved, and well cared for when we’re not with her, and we were so happy with the school we sent her to for her first year. This covered about eight months of care post-leave.

Clothing: We were incredibly lucky to receive LOTS of hand-me-downs from Nancy and my sister. The majority of the rest of June’s clothing was purchased at my favorite twice-a-year consignment sale, with a few additional special items here and there. I think this is a category where we saved a lot of money, especially considering we had a girl – ha!

Diapers and wipes: We almost exclusively used Water Wipes and Up&Up diapers and were very happy with both.

Feeding: This included our Kiinde supplies and some formula. Thankfully, breastfeeding dropped this category wayyy down!

Gear: This category included everything that we didn’t borrow or receive as a gift, including our baby monitor, our bassinet, a console for our stroller, a convertible car seat, baby gates, and more. You can read about some of our favorite gear at different ages in these posts!

Nursery: This was the only category whose total surprised me a bit, but we did have several large expenses that added up! The good news is that these purchases were the LEAST important, so they could easily be forgone if you’re on a tight budget. Larger purchases included the light fixture ($120); the glider, fabric, and upholstery ($475); a quilt for the twin bed ($110); and the Liberty fabric for the crib skirt ($154 – that stuff ain’t cheap!).

Personal care: This category included diaper cream, Nose Frida supplies, burp cloths, a thermometer, body wash, toothbrushes, and other toiletry type things!

Toys, gifts, and fun: Thankfully, babies don’t need too much to have fun :) This category included her beloved action stackers, a few books (we received SO many as gifts!), cups and a ring stacker, and the ukulele we got her for her first Christmas.

If you’re a visual person, here’s the breakdown in pie chart form:

And one with the major categories besides childcare:

There you have it! If you’d like to share, I’d love to hear how our breakdown stacks up to your own spending, or where you were able to save if you also have a sweet baby! Thank you, as always, for being so kind and thoughtful, friends!

Affiliate links are used in this post!

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As I wrote the How We Do It series, there were many topics – big and small – that I knew I would want to revisit at some point in posts of their own. When I got a few questions about how we jointly manage our finances in this post, I knew it was a great one to start with!

Using this beautiful image from Cultivate What Matters of the new Finance Goal Guide, launching today! If you have money goals you’re working toward, I think you’ll love this product!!

Many of the questions centered around why John and I have separate checking accounts. The short answer is that there’s no good reason – ha! Here’s the longer answer:

John and I have separate checking and savings accounts because we opened them before we were married, and there didn’t seem to be any good reason to open a new joint one after saying “I do.” After all, our accounts are at the same bank (and linked, so that we can access each other’s through our own dashboards!), and we of course have each other’s passwords. All accounts opened since our wedding day have been joint ones.

I know many people have strong opinions on joint versus separate accounts. I think many of the opinions, though, stop short of what’s truly important: the state of your heads and hearts trumps the practicalities of how your accounts are set up any day. All of the joint accounts in the world can still lead you to a dead end if you’re not pulling in the same direction.

There is no “his money” and “her money” in our marriage. We have never valued each other or set individual spending levels based on what either of us make at our jobs. The idea of spouses effectively living at different income levels within a marriage is shocking and sad to me, as described in this recent Atlantic article:

They’ll help each other out?? Marriage means joining your financial future just as surely as it means joining your lives. I supported both of us while John searched for a job, and he put money toward my student loans for years without a peep of complaint. Were one of us to lose our job, we would not receive a “handout” from the other person – we would both adjust and bear the burden together.

On a practical note, the main reason there is no “his” or “her” money is that ALL money is fed into our family budget. At that point, we simply have one lump sum of money that we need to decide what to do with, together – it literally no longer matters who brought in how much. Because we’ve set the budget together, if it says we have a certain amount to spend, then that’s how much we have to spend. A budget is a great equalizer in this way, and if you need yet another reason to get on the budget bandwagon, there you go! :)

But back to the Atlantic article:

To that I would say, I don’t believe the money I bring home does or should “fully belong to me” — it’s shared with my husband, just as his money is shared with me.

Unsurprisingly, the arguments in the Atlantic article for why a couple wouldn’t merge their finances aren’t that compelling to me. There is one argument that I think does have validity, at least at the outset, but I don’t think it’s a situation that’s tenable longterm for a healthy marriage. If the two of you don’t have aligned beliefs on money, and aren’t consulting each other on where you’re hoping to go in life, then merging your finances absolutely will be a mess and will lead to arguments. The solution, though, is not to keep things separate — it’s to do the work to get on the same page.

John and I have a bit of an advantage here because we formed our thoughts on money alongside each other, but we also work actively to make sure we stay on the same page. (Hence our regular conversations and bimonthly net worth meetings!). Our friends Nancy and Will found themselves in the opposite situation: they came into marriage with VERY different ideas about how money should be managed. Financial Peace University helped them reach common ground, and they are some of the most inspiring financial stewards we know!

A final note, should you need more convincing: a joint budget not only determines your day to day spending on groceries, clothing, lawn care, and more, but it sets and guides your financial big picture, like how much you’re saving for retirement, how soon you’ll be able to get out of debt, when you’ll squirrel away the amount for a down payment goal, or how much you can give away each year.

And those big picture things? You want to work on them together, because then you will succeed together (and a lot more quickly than if you were working on your own!). There are few things more unifying in a marriage than reaching a major goal together, and if you’re not merging your finances, you’ll miss out on them.

Whew! Clearly this is a topic I’m passionate about, and that Atlantic article brought it all bubbling to the surface! To finish up, I’d love to hear: what goal are you working toward in your finances right now?

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Friends, first of all, thank you so much for your heartfelt comments on my last post. Each one meant so much to me, so thank you for sharing! I love you all! Now onto the business of today…

We talk often at my job about how our greatest frustrations can turn into our greatest passions, and sometimes (if we’re lucky), even our life’s work. I had a bit of a light bulb moment a few weeks ago, and thought I’d share it…

One of my greatest frustrations is seeing women accept conventional wisdom and societal truisms as being true for their lives, even if they are not or don’t have to be. So often, I think we just accept things because we hear other people or our parents or our friends or TV anchors or newspaper columnists say them enough times — so they must be true.

And sometimes they are. But I believe they don’t always have to be. Instead of bending this way and that with the winds of everyone else’s paths and opinions, we CAN be confident in the life we’re living and the priorities where we’re planting our flags. It takes a firm foundation and an inner surety to be able to do this in the face of an entire culture (and sometimes very real people in your life) telling you you should second guess everything and just go with the flow, but it can be done.

You all helped me see in your survey responses that confidence is what we’re doing here. Hopefully, through sharing my story, I can show you that it’s okay to live your own path kindly, purposefully, and simply, without fanfare or fluster. I am capable, and so are you. Here are some of the lies we’ve sidestepped here together:

If you’re good at something, you need to find a way to make money doing it.
I’ll never pay off my student loans.
Emotional labor is a burden and a curse.
Time flies by so quickly.
The only way you can have a job you love is to work for yourself.
Mom guilt is unavoidable.
I wish I could give my children the childhood I had, but the world is different now.

If you find Em for Marvelous to be a breath of fresh air (as many of you so kindly worded it in your responses), I hope it’s because you leave feeling built up and inspired to walk your own path, not necessarily to follow mine.

As I said at the beginning of the How We Do It series, I don’t have all the answers, but one thing I have been given is a confidence in the decisions I make for myself and my family, and a willingness to share them. Confidence can be as infectious as guilt, shame, or uncertainty, but it’s much, much better to spread. As I wrote down at the last Making Things Happen Conference, my life’s work is to equip and empower women to see that they are capable, and this blog is a large part of that. I’m so glad you’re here.

Which brings us to our survey results! As of last week, I clocked 250 survey responses, and figured that was a nice even number to cap it at for this year! Some of you asked to see the results, so here’s a bit about your fellow readers…

— A fifth of readers have only been reading for a year. BUT, more than half of you have been reading for five or more years, which is pretty incredible!!
— 70% of you found EFM through my work, for which I am so grateful!
— The majority (73%) of you are married.
— Most of you have a “traditional” job, which I love. I would consider my job to be traditional (and awesome!), as well.
— 87% of you are between the ages of 23-35. The most common age split was 27-30, just younger than me, which makes a lot of sense given a common theme in the open-ended responses: that you consider me something of a big sister, often one step ahead of you in life.
— About half of you don’t have kids! That really surprised me. But, you still like parenting posts, as you’ll see below! Also, congratulations to my 13 pregnant readers :)

One thing that came up over and over is that y’all like the variety of content I share, which is nicely demonstrated by this data. Nearly all of you chose practical tips as a favorite topic, with finance coming in a close second. (The How We Do It series and Marvelous Money posts were mentioned almost unanimously as favorites in the open-ended section.) I’d also consider goals, life updates, deep thoughts, love and marriage, and parenting and pregnancy in the top tier.

This question is one of my favorites, because though I’m never going to write about anything I’m not passionate about (this is just a hobby for me and I like to keep it fun!), I have pages and pages of potential topics. Hearing from y’all and learning more about you helps me decide which of those topics to move to the top of the list, which is great for both of us! :)

Once again, you all were uniformly kind and encouraging in the open-ended responses. Words you used to describe EFM included real, relatable, honest, intentional, simplicity, inspiring, positive, normal, practical, calm, sincere, and encouraging. My favorites were “real” and “normal” :) More:

— This comment summed up probably the strongest theme: “EFM is a breath of fresh air in a space where many blogs focus on more materialistic things to bring happiness. When reading your blog, I come away with practical and meaningful things I can do, rather than buy, to improve myself and my life.” That is the beauty of writing for love rather than money, I think – you’re just getting my real life, complete with real budget. As another one of you said: “Your blog feels like it’s about authentic living for real people: people who have jobs and families and budgets but want to slow down, find joy, and still be an adult.”
— Many of you commented that you love keeping up with my family, and also that you appreciate my boundaries (and a few asked about how I keep them strong). I think there’s a post in the future there, because unsurprisingly it’s something I’m passionate about!
— Possibly my favorite comments came from the women who shared that we are different in significant ways (maybe they don’t share my faith, don’t have kids, don’t live in the South, have a totally different job, etc.), but that they still love reading EFM. In a world where it’s so easy (and common!) to tune out anyone who’s different from you, that feels like some of the most gratifying feedback.

Anyway, I hope that peek into the survey results was interesting! And that my soap box speech wasn’t too intense, ha! Again, I’m so, so thankful for each one of you, and especially for you sharing your thoughts with me. Together, we make this a sweet spot on the internet :)

I would love to hear: do my thoughts on confidence resonate with you? What are some of your greatest frustrations?

All photos by Nancy Ray from our family session

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Welcome back, friends! This is the final post in an eight-part series by Nancy Ray and I covering “how we do it” in different areas: the rhythms, habits, and routines that help us get things done and make the space and time for what matters most. If you’re just joining us, you can read more of the backstory here and catch links to all of the posts at the bottom of this one!

This final post is all about ways we organize life with kiddos — currently, an almost three-year-old and a six-month-old for Nancy, and a two-year-old and one on the way for me. As I was typing in our heart for this series (above), I realized it’s nowhere more important than for this final post. Every effort John and I take to simplify things – really in any area of our life, but especially areas having to do with kids – is to make time for what matters most.

For us, what matters most is helping our kids grow into kind, capable, well-adjusted people who love God and love people. We have our own theories about the best ways to accomplish that, and at this age and for our purposes today, they boil down to lots of unstructured time with mom and dad for love and learning on the fly. As I wrote last year, “we are just together.”

My personal mantra in this arena is, “If I’m too busy to go at June’s pace, I’m too busy.”

(To be sure, there are times when I just need her to get in her car seat already – but even those I try to keep to a minimum. Do we really need to leave the Target parking lot right this instant?)

To be able to live like this, we’ve had to make clear choices about how we spend our own time (for example, I currently have very few commitments outside the home), how we spend June’s time (she has no extracurricular activities besides preschool), and how we do things in our home (no elaborate systems that require a lot of upkeep). That last part is where this post comes in! Here are a few ways we stay organized — simply.

A reminder: everything in this post is what has worked for our family in the past or is working for our family now. It doesn’t mean it’s a one-size-fits-all solution, the best solution for anyone else, or that it’s the system that will work best for our family in the future. If I describe something that would never work for you, doesn’t fit with the way you’re raising your own kids, or that you don’t think will work once we have more than one child, no worries! As Amy Poehler says, “good for her, not for me” :)

1. We keep meals simple. June eats the same thing for breakfast and lunch pretty much every day (with variations on the same elements, like fruits and veggies). We’re not trying to reinvent the wheel at every meal. This makes shopping and preparing easier. She also eats the same food for dinner as we do – we’ve just never offered her an alternative.

2. We chose a simple option for childcare. Many readers have asked why we chose daycare/preschool over a nanny for June’s care. There are several reasons for this, but one is that we wanted a simplified system. I didn’t want to be searching for a new nanny every few months or every year, and I didn’t want to be responsible for managing another relationship, negotiating pay, or covering for our one caretaker’s sickness or vacations, especially since we don’t have family locally who can fill in.

3. We keep screens simple. I am not interested in power struggles over screens. June does not have a tablet and we have no plans to get her one in the future. (I know I am in the minority, here – Baby Center says half of kids get their own by age 5.) If it’s not in our house, it’s not something we have to enforce rules about. I am pretty militant about not using my phone in front of her, so that’s not something she asks for, either. One area where I consider myself more lax? Watching the actual TV in our house. If I’m cooking dinner or otherwise occupied, I have little problem with her watching a show. Negotiating with her siblings over which show to watch will be a good learning opportunity in the future, too :)

4. We keep gifts simple. I update an Amazon wish list (you can add items from anywhere!) with June’s current wishes. If there’s a toy or piece of clothing I’m considering buying, I’ll add it there so I don’t forget about it. It’s also, of course, great for sending to family members around holidays or her birthday!

5. We keep our organization systems simple. And they’re not always (or even usually) pretty. Of course, as we refine our systems and open up room in the budget, we do aim for solutions that bend toward both the beautiful and the functional – but that’s not our highest priority. For example, since she came home from the hospital, June’s clothing has been stored in (neat!) stacks in the corner of our room. With the way our morning and evening routines flow, it doesn’t make sense to store them in her upstairs bedroom. With a little extra room in the budget this year, we are searching for a pair of small dressers to replace our current bedside tables – we think they’ll be the perfect solution for our current needs! But again, the need and the function came first, and the aesthetics come when they can.

Finally, the easiest way to keep things simple is to do what works for you. I don’t have to explain or justify my choices to anyone, however unconventional they might be, and neither do you! For example, June eats breakfast every weekday morning in her high chair in the bedroom/bath while John and I get ready for work. (See our last June in June video for proof!) Some people might find this bizarre – I call it family fun and togetherness :) As long as it’s safe and loving, you do you, friend!

Just one more note on why I keep things simple. I keep as many things as I can as simple as possible so that I can face the innate complexity of living with a two-year-old with calm and joy — because kids are at root messy and complex. (Lovable and wonderful, but also messy and complex.)

June helping me make dinner?
More complex than me doing it myself.

June wanting to put her own socks on in the morning?
More complex than me doing it myself.

June wanting to touch all the buttons in the checkout line?
Helping her press the one she CAN touch is more complex than doing it myself.

But that’s complexity that helps her learn, teaches her social skills, builds her vocabulary, improves her motor skills, and increases her patience. It’s complexity that tells her she’s valued, she’s capable, and that I love her more than anything… and THAT is the kind of complexity I want to invite into my life.

Friends, I hope you’ve loved this series! Whether you’ve taken away a practical idea or just liked hearing more about the minute details of someone else’s life (hand raised!), it’s been a joy to write and a joy to hear from so many of you in the comments section. Thank you for being wonderful, as always! More good stuff to come :)

P.S. Don’t forget to read Nancy’s post! Can’t wait to see what she has to say on this topic!

The whole series:
Time: Em’s post and Nancy’s post
Finances: Em’s post and Nancy’s post
Home: Em’s post and Nancy’s post
Personal Lives: Em’s post and Nancy’s post
Work: Em’s post and Nancy’s post
Relationships: Em’s post and Nancy’s post
Kids: Nancy’s post

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