In honor of our anniversary, I have a relationship-themed Marvelous Money post for you today! (Boy, between this and my post earlier this week, I’m sure leaning hard to the unromantic side of married life for anniversary 8, ha!) Today, I thought I’d tell you a bit about our bi-monthly net worth meetings: what they are, why we have them, why we love them, and why they’re incredibly helpful for our financial progress.
What is a net worth meeting?
A net worth meeting is our chance to review our family’s finances in the big picture. We celebrate progress, check in on our financial goals, discuss challenges and opportunities, and do a bit of nitty-gritty budget upkeep. And, as you might have guessed from the name, we calculate our family’s net worth.
We hold our official net worth meetings every other month, usually in the second weekend of the month unless we’re traveling or otherwise occupied. In this season of our lives, they’re held in the afternoon while the kids are resting, or in the evening.
Tell me more about what you do in this meeting.
Well, first John calls the meeting to order, then we take attendance… j/k j/k. “Net worth” sounds very official, but our meeting is not! Generally, we like to get the small stuff out of the way first by entering any outstanding transactions into our budget doc. (We each have responsibility for entering certain cards and accounts into the doc, which we do about every two weeks, but this is an opportunity to catch up as needed and ask each other any categorizing questions.)
Once the budget is fully up to date, we’ll flip to the “Net Worth” tab of our doc. (For more about the custom Google Doc we use to track our budget, read this post! It’s a bit out of date, but the premise is still the same.) Here’s what it looks like:
Note: these numbers are completely made up, so please do not read anything into them :)
On the left, we’ve listed every single place we have money or an asset. This includes our checking and savings accounts, our IRAs and 401ks, our investment accounts, our kids’ 529 accounts, and our home equity. Yours might include other categories. For us, right now, this is a total of 20 places (I’ve simplified above).
One by one, we log into each of those accounts and enter the current amount as of that date (to be exact, one of us logs in and reads out the totals, the other is the typist). For the home equity line, we simply subtract the remaining principle of our mortgage from the amount we paid for our house to keep things simple. In cell B4, a formula totals everything together – our assets.
In the middle, you can see a column for our liabilities. Currently, this is just our mortgage, but previously we had entries for car loans and student loans. We do the same thing here – log into the account and enter the current number.
All the way to the right, a formula in F4 calculates our net worth – our total assets (B4) minus our total liabilities (E4). We also like to track our more liquid net worth, which for us is our net worth minus our retirement accounts, our HSA, and our home equity. That’s in cell F5.
Next – and this is the highlight of the meeting! – we click over to the tab next door. This tab is called Net Worth Over Time, and for us, it dates back to July 2012 – two months before our wedding, when we began having these meetings! This is what it looks like:
Obviously I have deleted the numbers, though that is our actual chart over the last 8 or so years. This screenshot only shows a fraction of the months we’ve tracked – rows 2-5 scroll and scroll to the right to go all the way back to 2012!
To update this tab, we enter the new numbers for assets, liabilities, net worth, and liquid net worth and then adjust the graph. Generally, it goes up – which is exciting! It’s nice that you’ll see the line go up whether you’re focused on paying down debt or building up savings.
That’s usually the meat of the meeting, but if there’s a challenge or opportunity we want to talk through, this is often a great time to do so. We are comfortable talking about money and it comes up regularly in conversation, so we usually don’t wait for one of these meetings to, say, talk about an upcoming trip or change in our investment strategy, but if you’re newer in the process, using this set aside time for that might be helpful.
Finally, because I know the budget is as up-to-date as it will ever be, I’ll go through it category-by-category to make sure we’re on track for each one, and adjust as necessary (of course, always making sure our total in the ISE is in the black!). Again, for more on how we budget, go here.
Why should I have one of these meetings?
First and foremost, we consider these meetings an opportunity for celebration. They’re a way to recognize the good decisions we’ve made and the willpower we’ve exercised, to cheer ourselves on to do more of those things. Saving money is often not “exciting,” especially over a long timeframe, and so we find it helpful to build in excitement where we can, to keep us motivated for the long haul.
A comment my friend Kelly made years ago on an MM post brought home why this is important. She commented that she often feels like the money she puts into her 401k “isn’t real,” since it’s taken right out of her paycheck and she basically never sees it again. While in some ways this is good (you don’t need or want to be checking in on longterm investments constantly!), you’re also missing out on a chance for motivation if the money you’re saving never becomes real to you. If you see the amount adding up over time, and watch compounding work its magic, you even might be motivated to save MORE!
Second, working toward a goal together is great for a relationship. It gets you on the same team! Whether it’s a money goal or a fitness goal or a trip you’re working toward, feeling unified in the things you want bonds you together. These meetings help with that.
The final and really important reason to have a meeting like this is so that both partners have visibility into the family’s finances. In a very practical sense, they help make sure both partners know what accounts exist, where they are held, how to log into them, and approximately how much money exists and where. No matter how duties are split, everyone should know the basics.
One final point to address: I hope this has been clear throughout this post, but these meetings are not about us counting up our money for the sake of having money. Having money is not evil, but it’s also not the point. For us, the point is freedom – freedom to live and give how we wish, to the best of our ability and for the glory of God. We also believe our money has been entrusted to us, and we want to be wise managers of it. A wise manager checks in and makes adjustments to get the most out of what they have, and these meetings are one way to do that.
Friends, I would love to hear: do you currently have a financial check-in? (And YES, you can totally have one of these if you’re single!) Any questions about our meetings, or requests for a future MM post?
Today is our eighth wedding anniversary! Eight years ago today was the most beautiful, crisp, blue sky Saturday in Connecticut we could ever have asked for. I can still feel moments so clearly from that day – literally feel what the air, the dress felt like on my skin. The memories from earlier are clearest: arriving to the Inn for hair and makeup in the dark of the morning, sitting on the bed to copy out my vows onto an index card while the moms and sisters milled around, stepping out of the car at my house, standing on the point in the breeze and sun waiting for portraits to be taken. It was a perfect, beloved day.
The eight years since then have been equally beloved. I am a words girl, and yet words could never express the relationship John and I have, or how precious it is to me. He is my other half, my best friend, the most loving dad, the first person I want to celebrate or cry or dream or do anything else with. He makes everything more fun, he holds everything together. He is principled, loyal, hardworking, smart, generous… I could go on :) God is so very good to have created him and to have brought us together.
And yet, we are still two imperfect people. We leave the dishes in the sink, lose our patience, snap at each other, disagree about how things should be done, argue over whether food in the refrigerator can be eaten. And so today, for this celebration of long-lasting love, I thought I’d share something practical that has been incredibly helpful in our marriage: specifically banning certain phrases.
Like us, I’m guessing you have phrases that, when uttered by your partner, (almost) literally send you through the roof. It’s like you can feel your blood pressure rise, your face redden, maybe some smoke come out of your ears — taking an otherwise level 5 argument to a level 10 in a snap. We have two:
The first: “What is wrong with you?” Which is usually expressed more like, “what is wrong with you?!?!?” This needles us, I think, because it implies that WHO WE ARE is the problem, not what we are doing or thinking.
The second: any variation of “calm down” or “relax” – because obviously, those are the least calming or relaxing words in the English language, and the last thing you want to hear when you are decidedly not calm nor relaxed.
For you, it’s probably other phrases. Maybe you can think of yours right now :)
Once we realized that these phrases had a unique ability to explode arguments, we simply decided to ban them. And for several years, we have, to great effect. Of course, we still get into arguments, but this simple change has helped us work through them in a more productive way and left us less bruised in the process. In fact, if one of us lets one slip on accident, they actually now serve as something of a pressure release valve, taking down the temperature a few notches.
How comforting it is that the smallest changes can make such big differences even in relationships as grand and complicated as marriage! Whether things seem hard or easy in yours right now, never hesitate to move the needle just a little bit in the right direction. It will make a difference.
Now, of course, I would love to hear: what is the phrase that is (or should be) banned in your relationship? :)
All photos by Tanja Lippert, who is the literal best. I opened up the folder to choose a few images for this post and didn’t get past our wedding morning – then thought it might be fun to share a few “behind the scenes” snaps. After all, after eight years, you’ve seen all the glamour shots already :)
Yesterday marked the 15th anniversary of John’s and my first date. 15 years!! I am the luckiest.
The most memorable thing about that first date is not what we did, or what we said, or where we went, but how close it came to not happening at all. I was a nervous and awkward senior on the cusp of college, and it seemed a whole heck of a lot scarier to say yes and a whole heck of a lot safer to say no to his invitation.
But I did say yes (thank you, Lord!). I was musing over this yesterday, and it reminded me of something I had drafted a few months ago and never posted. (It was inspired by this essay.) As you’ll see by the first decision below, it seemed appropriate to share this week.
We each make thousands of decisions a day, but in the end, we can trace just a few back to whether we wake up smiling most days or not. Here are nine of mine, starting with the most important one.
1. I said yes to a first date. Of course, I said yes to him again several years later, but this first “yes” was the one that really mattered, the one that was in doubt – the second was a forgone conclusion. I like to think that scared, shy 17-year-old had some inkling of the happiness ahead, and boy was she right. Either that, or she just had a very wise friend giving her counsel. (Thank you, Anna!!!)
2. I didn’t work after hours. When I began my first job out of college, my boss was a workaholic with not a shred of work/life balance. As the new girl eager to prove herself, it would have been easy to fall into the same pattern. But my boss never actually told me to work after hours, and it was not my natural inclination to do so – and so I didn’t. (Guys, we all know I probably would have keeled over from the stress if I had, anyway.)
Though I will occasionally flex my hours now and again, especially now that I’m a parent, it’s always my decision, made thoughtfully, and not because I have something to prove or nothing else to occupy my time. Setting the boundaries of work and life neatly and firmly from the start has kept both vibrant over the long-haul.
The best part: by the grace of God, that workaholic boss is the one and only – one of the most amazing transformations I’ve ever had the privilege to witness.
3. I joined a Lent study at church. Shortly after we moved to North Carolina, we began attending our church, and it was an immediate turning point of feeling “at home” in a place that felt cold and alien. But when I think about my faith walk, possibly the most important decision in my adult life of faith was joining a Bible study. It was a classic John and Emily set-up — two 22-year-olds and a handful of middle-aged women — but it was the first time I saw up close what it looked like to live out your faith, carefully consider what your faith was asking of you, apply your faith to everyday life, pray out loud, and lay on hands for blessing and healing. It also introduced us to Adam Hamilton, who as I’m sure you know has had a profound effect on the way I live out my faith.
4. I paid off my student loans fast and furious. I graduated with about $20,000 in undergraduate loan debt, and though I was making $36,000 when I graduated (and John was looking for a job!), we paid off my loans in four years. Clearing that debt relatively early developed a muscle we’re still using today and paved the way for our future financial freedom — and with it, more independence, more security, and more options in almost every facet of our life (which later made a huge difference when we had kiddos!).
5. We adopted our cats (before we were ready). The plan was to start looking once John found a job, but then one day a few months into life in NC (and many months before he was hired), we took a spin through an adoption event and fell in love. I count the fact that we walked into Petsmart that day as one of the luckiest strokes of my life, and I will always be so grateful that Jack and Oliver were ours. They were the cure for our homesickness; they made us look forward to returning from trips when nothing else did, and they made us feel like a family before we were one.
6. Much of what I love is cheap or free. It was true when it was a necessity, and it’s true now when it’s less so. Reading, walking a beautiful neighborhood, hiking, playing cards and board games, writing, ice cream and hot dogs, dinner at home with friends, outdoor movies, outdoor concerts… I don’t find it hard or expensive to have fun, and so I find that there is fun around every corner.
7. I stepped out boldly in friendship. As a lifelong introvert, I grew up with a core group of friends that I diligently maintained but didn’t expand. Then I moved hundreds of miles away, and desperate times called for desperate measures. Each of my treasured adult friendships required a bold act of putting myself out there, and though it was intensely scary each time, each has paid priceless dividends in memories and love.
8. We live by a budget. I know, I know – is there an answer less surprising or more boring?! Our budget helps us spend money on what we value, not what anyone else values, and it has essentially erased all fear around money from our life. We make a plan at the beginning of the year, and then we follow it (adjusting along the way as necessary!), and we are SO much happier for it.
9. We decided to have children. It seems like it was a forgone conclusion, and maybe it always was — but thankfully, I wrote this post to remember the many (many, many, many) discussions we had on the topic in our pre-baby life. Our children add more joy and wonder and delight and meaning to our days than we ever could have imagined before they arrived, and I am so glad they are ours.
I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, but I’m grateful I got these things right. I’m curious: what are some of the decisions in your life that have led to happiness? I’d love to hear, if you’d like to share!
Thanks for your sweet comments on this mini series, friends! It’s been fun to write and especially fun to have John contribute. (He contributes often behind-the-scenes, but doesn’t usually get the byline!)
Today, I thought we’d wrap things up for now by offering a few thoughts on how to date your spouse, especially after having kids. It’s been an evolution over here, and I have a few tips you might like to try!
To back up a little bit: going on dates wasn’t really a “thing” in our early marriage, pre-kid life. For one, we were on a VERY tight budget ($135/month for dining out and $30/month for entertainment!). We spent a ton of time together and did lots of fun stuff, so it was kind of like we were constantly “dating,” but we very rarely went on traditional sit-down dinner dates. Instead, our weekends were an abundance of together time with lots of inexpensive fun all running together: a morning hike followed by a visit to the State Farmer’s Market followed by a country drive followed by a $3 outdoor movie.
Then, we had June, and we still went on adventures, but they felt even less like dates since we now had a third wheel. As she began to be more and more interactive, we enjoyed her company even more, but also felt the pinch of time for just the two of us. So, we tried something new: official dates!
From about her 1.5 birthday to now, with a short break when Shep was 0-8 months or so, we have gone on a dinner date every month – and it is our favorite!! A few ways we make this work well for us:
1. We mostly use high school babysitters that we know from church or our neighborhood. We pay them $9-$13 an hour depending on how many kids they’re watching and whether those kids are awake or not :)
2. Our kids are for the most part VERY reliable sleepers, so once they’re down, they’re down. Especially when they were younger and I was either breastfeeding or they could be trickier to put down, we would put them to bed a bit early, have the sitter come at 7:30 once they were already asleep, and head out for an 8pm reservation. This worked SUPER well for us.
3. Another reason we liked this plan: it maximized our time with our kids. As working parents, it can feel hard to voluntarily spend more time away from them (even though we know it’s a good thing!), so we liked that with an 8pm reservation we could still spend the whole evening with them and put them to bed – but also fill our marriage’s cup.
4. For the last few years, at the beginning of the year, we have taken out $600 from the bank and put it in a special envelope. This started one year when one of us got an unexpected bonus. As intense budgeters, it would have been very easy for us to just fold that amount into our annual budget, where it would have immediately been swallowed up. Instead, we never entered that amount into our budget, and instead took it out in cash. Every month, we use $50 of the cash toward our dinner out. (If we spend more, we just pay with a card and put it in our normal dining out budget.)
Note that this is PURELY mental gymnastics – all the money is ultimately coming from the same pot – but it FEELS different, and when it comes to money, you can’t discount feelings! From the beginning of the year, setting aside this money makes us feel like we’ve already planned for these dates, and it makes us look forward to them even more!
As I mentioned in my last post, our dates are almost always dinner out – we tend to alternate between a new spot in Raleigh or Durham and an old favorite. Either new or old, we always make a reservation – again, this helps build the anticipation, and just like with travel, the planning is half of the fun!
In addition to our dinner out each month, we try to plan one date night IN each month, as well. This is a money-saving concession at this point in our lives, since we obviously don’t have to get a babysitter! We mark these dates on our calendar just like we do for outside reservations.
What do we do? Most commonly, we’ll get takeout from a favorite spot after the kids go to bed, then choose a new-to-us movie to watch together. No phones or laptops – which it makes it feel different and special from our typical evenings. Nothing revolutionary, but it’s funny how fun a simple dinner and movie can feel when you plan in advance for it and call it a date! :)
I’d love to hear: what do you usually do for your dates? Any brilliant ideas to share with the rest of us, either for going out or staying in?
P.S. More from our wedding, because it never, ever gets old. Tanja is the best!
