Thanks for your sweet comments on this mini series, friends! It’s been fun to write and especially fun to have John contribute. (He contributes often behind-the-scenes, but doesn’t usually get the byline!)

Today, I thought we’d wrap things up for now by offering a few thoughts on how to date your spouse, especially after having kids. It’s been an evolution over here, and I have a few tips you might like to try!

To back up a little bit: going on dates wasn’t really a “thing” in our early marriage, pre-kid life. For one, we were on a VERY tight budget ($135/month for dining out and $30/month for entertainment!). We spent a ton of time together and did lots of fun stuff, so it was kind of like we were constantly “dating,” but we very rarely went on traditional sit-down dinner dates. Instead, our weekends were an abundance of together time with lots of inexpensive fun all running together: a morning hike followed by a visit to the State Farmer’s Market followed by a country drive followed by a $3 outdoor movie.

Then, we had June, and we still went on adventures, but they felt even less like dates since we now had a third wheel. As she began to be more and more interactive, we enjoyed her company even more, but also felt the pinch of time for just the two of us. So, we tried something new: official dates!

From about her 1.5 birthday to now, with a short break when Shep was 0-8 months or so, we have gone on a dinner date every month – and it is our favorite!! A few ways we make this work well for us:

1. We mostly use high school babysitters that we know from church or our neighborhood. We pay them $9-$13 an hour depending on how many kids they’re watching and whether those kids are awake or not :)

2. Our kids are for the most part VERY reliable sleepers, so once they’re down, they’re down. Especially when they were younger and I was either breastfeeding or they could be trickier to put down, we would put them to bed a bit early, have the sitter come at 7:30 once they were already asleep, and head out for an 8pm reservation. This worked SUPER well for us.

3. Another reason we liked this plan: it maximized our time with our kids. As working parents, it can feel hard to voluntarily spend more time away from them (even though we know it’s a good thing!), so we liked that with an 8pm reservation we could still spend the whole evening with them and put them to bed – but also fill our marriage’s cup.

4. For the last few years, at the beginning of the year, we have taken out $600 from the bank and put it in a special envelope. This started one year when one of us got an unexpected bonus. As intense budgeters, it would have been very easy for us to just fold that amount into our annual budget, where it would have immediately been swallowed up. Instead, we never entered that amount into our budget, and instead took it out in cash. Every month, we use $50 of the cash toward our dinner out. (If we spend more, we just pay with a card and put it in our normal dining out budget.)

Note that this is PURELY mental gymnastics – all the money is ultimately coming from the same pot – but it FEELS different, and when it comes to money, you can’t discount feelings! From the beginning of the year, setting aside this money makes us feel like we’ve already planned for these dates, and it makes us look forward to them even more!

As I mentioned in my last post, our dates are almost always dinner out – we tend to alternate between a new spot in Raleigh or Durham and an old favorite. Either new or old, we always make a reservation – again, this helps build the anticipation, and just like with travel, the planning is half of the fun!

In addition to our dinner out each month, we try to plan one date night IN each month, as well. This is a money-saving concession at this point in our lives, since we obviously don’t have to get a babysitter! We mark these dates on our calendar just like we do for outside reservations.

What do we do? Most commonly, we’ll get takeout from a favorite spot after the kids go to bed, then choose a new-to-us movie to watch together. No phones or laptops – which it makes it feel different and special from our typical evenings. Nothing revolutionary, but it’s funny how fun a simple dinner and movie can feel when you plan in advance for it and call it a date! :)

I’d love to hear: what do you usually do for your dates? Any brilliant ideas to share with the rest of us, either for going out or staying in?

P.S. More from our wedding, because it never, ever gets old. Tanja is the best!

Welcome to part two of our marriage Q&A! (Part one here!) A note here at the start: a number of your questions nosed around the idea of overcoming challenges in our relationship, and you will notice I haven’t really answered any of them. This is not to say we are perfect or our marriage is perfect – just that we have been inordinately blessed to find our best friend in each other – and so I don’t have much to offer on the subject of overcoming major challenges in a relationship.

Thankfully, there are many people out there who have compassionate, vulnerable, insightful advice for folks looking for light. Here, I like to think of this and the rest of my marriage musings as helping to “optimize” your relationship – giving you little tips and insight as you take it from good to great, or great to legendary :)

Let’s continue!

What was the transition to marriage like for you two? Easy, hard, challenging, surprising?
John: As Emily alluded to above, it was pretty easy. We come from the same background (we grew up in the same town and have similar family experiences) and share the same outlook on life and the same core values. Another piece of Adam Hamilton wisdom: he’s said that “compatibility” is not important in a marriage, in terms of having the same personality or liking to do the same things – but having reverent respect for the other person is, and sharing the same core beliefs. We’ve found that to be true (though we do enjoy doing things together, and happen to have similar personalities, as well…).

People often talk about how marriage is so hard, but we’ve found it to be the most comfortable and best thing ever. I think the world (and people thinking about marriage) need to hear more messages about how great marriage can be and we are happy to do that.

How do you prioritize each other with two full-time jobs and two babies?
John: One thing we do is divide and conquer jobs and responsibilities around the house, especially in the evenings, so we can get it all done fast and enjoy each other’s company once the kids are in bed. As I mentioned in the first post, something we both believed in at the outset of having kids is having our marriage remain at the center of our family, not our kids. On a recommendation from a Craig Groeschel sermon, I try to always kiss Emily first when I walk in the door, then kids. We’ve also invested in some great two-person games which gives us an easy and enjoyable option when we want to do something together.
Em: Something that we did not regularly do until June was about one, but now do with great regularity, is have a date night every month. We are fairly predictable – we almost always go out to dinner – but with so many amazing restaurants in the Triangle, can you blame us?! This has become something we look forward to SO much and would now consider crucial to our relationship. Spoiler alert: more to come on this topic tomorrow :)

We also regularly take walks together in the evening after our kids are in bed. Walking and talking is a treasured connection point in our relationship (I agree completely with TJ’s perspective). As for the logistics: we have an unlimited range video monitor, and just walk in a little loop around our street :)

We also are not afraid to leave our kids from time to time. We’ve really only left them overnight twice since June was born, both times with family, but this extends to leaving them with babysitters, as well.

It sounds simple, but we always ask each other how our days at work went and really take interest in the answer. We have also learned enough about each other’s jobs, coworkers, regular challenges, etc. that we can really understand the answer and offer insight.

Finally, John specifically prays for my work every day, which means so much to me. (I try to do this, too, but I know it’s a regular practice for him!)

What are you glad you did before having kids?
John: Travel travel travel. Obviously we have traveled since having kids, but we had way more flexibility before them. We were able to experience locations in ways that are harder now, and some trips would be nearly impossible at this stage (for example, our Pacific Coast Highway road trip, where we were driving every single day, all day).
Em: Travel for sure – and not just big travel but smaller adventures, too. Day trips, if they involve long stretches of driving, are usually just not worth it in this stage of life, whereas we used to take them all the time. We also did a TON of hiking (mostly just local stuff!) before kids, and I’m so glad we have all those memories! I’m looking forward to incorporating more as our kids get older.

What’s the best gift your spouse has ever given you?
John: We are not huge gift givers to each other, in general, but when I got my new job, Emily did two things that really touched me. She had my car detailed (it’s from 2011, so that really shined it up) and picked out a really great briefcase. Her gifts spoke to her pride in me, and that meant a lot.
Em: For Mother’s Day two years in a row, John got me pairs of pink shoes that he picked out all on his own – Jack Rogers and Nike sneakers. Our respective clothing budgets are pretty tiny, so these extravagant (for us) gifts wowed me.

What about your spouse makes you the most proud?
John: It seems appropriate to say here, but I am really proud of Emily for keeping up this blog for 11 years when it’s not a business at all. Selfishly, I love looking back at posts and really appreciate this repository of memories from our life together.
Em: I am proud of so many things, but what comes to mind first is what he has made of his career. Fun fact: both John and I have worked at the same companies our entire working lives. He started on pretty much the lowest rung in the middle of the recession (after being unemployed for about a year) and after many years, he is an expert in a job he LOVES in a field he’s passionate about. He stuck it out for many boring and unexciting years and is now reaping the rewards, and I think that’s pretty amazing (and wildly unpopular in today’s culture).

What’s your favorite trip you’ve taken together?
John: France. It was beautiful and really fun, with amazing food. Plus, it was the first time to Europe for both of us and we had taken French class together in high school and college, so it felt like a full-circle moment.
Em: California. We really did it up at a time when we were much more budget-conscious than we are now. It had everything – great food, beautiful scenery, memorable accommodations. I’d do that exact trip over every year if time and money were no object!

What is something most people don’t know about your spouse?
John: Emily’s favorite genre of movies and shows is government conspiracy/action thrillers. Favorites include 24, Bodyguard, Enemy of the State, Homeland, Air Force One, Casino Royale, and all of the Mission Impossibles.
Em: Back at the very beginning of my career, I helped plan weddings with the company that preceded Southern Weddings (it phased out a few years later). John was often hired to help on-site on wedding days, and his special contribution was tying chair bows (he even originated a knot we used many times over!). He’s tied hundreds of chair bows.

Tomorrow, we’ll be answering a final question: recommendations for dating your spouse when you have kids (low-cost and at-home in particular!)? I touched on it above just a bit, but it’s a topic we’ve never really covered here, and I’m excited to dig in!

There’s a lot to unpack here: any other movie thrill seekers? Chair bow enthusiasts? What trip would you take over and over again if you could?

P.S. More from our wedding, because it never, ever gets old. Tanja is the best!

This week we’re celebrating seven years of marriage! (And about 14.5 years of being together!) I invited your questions about our relationship recently, and on the drive home from our MS ride, John and I answered as many as we could get to. Here’s the first installment…

What’s the best piece of marriage advice you’ve ever received?
John: The first piece that comes to mind is one that just hit home recently, from a sermon by Adam Hamilton (starts at about 31:00). Being better partners makes us better parents, but being better parents won’t necessarily make us better partners. I also love the C.S. Lewis reading from our wedding.
Em: This is still the most impactful advice I’ve ever received.

How do you choose new adventures together?
Em: We love talking about our dreams a LOT. We both score highly for the Futuristic Strengthsfinder theme (“People exceptionally talented in the Futuristic theme are inspired by the future and what could be. They energize others with their visions of the future.”). We talk about what we hope to do next week, month, year, in ten years and fifty years. We talk about what we want our future summers to look like, future anniversaries, camping trips, even our retirement! We talk things out and discuss different options until we circle around what excites us both most and what is possible.
John: Our end-of-year dinner is the culmination of this. At that dinner, we make decisions about where we’ll travel in the next year, we narrow down what adventures we want to have, and we set family goals. Emily also wrote a post about how we find interesting things to do here.

What random/trivial thing do you argue about most often?
John: Issues of food safety can be contentious around here – when leftovers need to be thrown out, what is safe to eat in our refrigerator, if something sat out on the counter too long, etc.
Em: When John misses a turn, he will take FOREVER to find somewhere to turn around, and my aggravation at this is definitely disproportional to his actions. Also I can definitely cosign on food safety issues, though John wouldn’t say that’s trivial, ha.

What do you do when you feel like being alone/introverted, as a spouse or a parent?
Em: John likes to nap – he’ll often take a short nap in the evenings on weeknights, and loves taking a longer nap on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon – so that’s my alone time. I usually use it for writing here!
John: I definitely like to nap.

Do you pray together? Read the Bible together? Would love ideas for growing together.
Em: I hope to grow more in terms of praying together and reading the Bible together, but we mostly do those things on our own right now (aside from praying at meals or extraordinary circumstances). At least once a week, we’ll listen to a sermon together (in addition to worshiping at our own church) and talk about it. This gives us a common vocabulary to explore the world and grow our faith. As classic Enneagram 5’s, we love to learn together :)

You and John are both Enneagram 5s, correct? Tips for handling similar wiring?
Em: Correct! I could see how a marriage of two of the same types of other types might be more of an issue, but we’ve seen more positives from being the same type. We naturally face most challenges and try to solve most problems the same way, and it’s usually very easy for us to “read” each other and understand and have compassion for the motivations behind our behaviors.
John: As two introverts, we have an awareness of how easy it would be for us to stick to ourselves. I’m grateful that Emily takes the lead as our social coordinator and organizes things with our friends for the most part. She is definitely the more social of the two of us.

Hardest and best part of marriage?
John: We have had our issues with navigating collective action (i.e. assuming the other person will do the dishes). Emily is my best friend and because we’re married, she’s the person I get to spend the most time with. She makes my life so much more full and more fun.
Em: Some of our biggest challenges have been how to divvy up vacations with our families, given our limited resources of time and money. As for the best part – there are so many things I could choose, but as a person who has sometimes felt misunderstood by people when they first meet me, to be fully known, fully seen, and fully loved – by someone I fully trust – is a gift.

Up next: what we’re glad we did before having kids, how we prioritize each other with two full-time jobs, something you might not know about each of us, and more – plus one question that I decided needed its own post!

P.S. More from our wedding, because it never, ever gets old. Tanja is the best!

If you’re reading this, it means we survived (and hopefully thrived!) in our first outnumbered camping trip!

After taking an unintended break with my July goals, I was on fire in August. Our biggest goal was to bike three times a week in prep for our MS 125 ride, and though it took sacrifice and buckets of patience on the part of our kids, we did it!! The ride is this weekend, and I’m honestly so excited. It’s the culmination of a huge 2019 goal for me, and a big stretch beyond my comfort zone. I am giddy thinking about riding across the finish line with John on Sunday!

More to look forward to this month…

They planned it :)

On my calendar this month:
— A work trip to the mountains
— The second Lilly for Target collection launches! September 14th – start your engines.
— June begins parks and rec ballet again

What I’m loving right now:
— I just ordered this dress and am thinking I might wear it for our fall family photos. Anticipating that the neckline might be a bit too low but hoping a seamstress can easily adjust it if necessary! Also ordered this and this.
— This canvas just arrived at our house – I think it will go in Shep’s room, as it’s what I sing to him each night. One of the best ways you can support Lindsay’s family right now is to pray, and purchase something from her shop (and of course, there are so many beautiful options).
— This cottage is on the island next to ours, and it’s what our family cottages might look like if they were fancy! :)

What I read in August:
— After You: I read Me Before You several years ago, and this was an enjoyable sequel. (It’s the book I took home from my swap!)

Revisiting my August goals:
Ride bikes 3 times a week in prep for the MS ride (Yes!! This was our biggest goal and it took careful planning and sacrifice, but we did it!)
Send out a fundraising email to family + friends (Done! Still a few more days to donate here, if you’d like! :))
Edit June in June, Volume 4 (Not yet… one of the things that got sacrificed! I have chosen a song, though!)
Choose a standing lamp for behind one chair (This one!)
Book Asheville accommodations and October flights
Bring June to Sunday School for the first time (She has been talking about how “God never leaves us” ever since! :))
Plan and carry off Shep’s first birthday party (Yes! It was so good! Way better than June’s third birthday, ha!)

September goals:
— Celebrate our seventh wedding anniversary (and read a book about marriage)
— Complete the MS 125!
— Finish culling and sorting iPhone photos from 2005-2012
— Hang (and buy) living room curtains
— Film Sheptember, Volume 1
— Edit June in June, Volume 4
— Ride our bikes once a week
— Bake apple cider scones for June’s teachers on the first day of fall (a tradition we started three years ago!)

In honor of our anniversary, I thought it might be fun to answer some marriage- or relationship-related questions with John in an upcoming post. (Lisa did this and I loved reading it!) So, if you have a question for either or both of us, leave them below! I’ll also plan to put a sticky in Instagram stories soon!

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