Today is our eighth wedding anniversary! Eight years ago today was the most beautiful, crisp, blue sky Saturday in Connecticut we could ever have asked for. I can still feel moments so clearly from that day – literally feel what the air, the dress felt like on my skin. The memories from earlier are clearest: arriving to the Inn for hair and makeup in the dark of the morning, sitting on the bed to copy out my vows onto an index card while the moms and sisters milled around, stepping out of the car at my house, standing on the point in the breeze and sun waiting for portraits to be taken. It was a perfect, beloved day. The eight years since then have been equally beloved. I am a words girl, and yet words could never express the relationship John and I have, or how precious it is to me. He is my other half, my best friend, the most loving dad, the first person I want to celebrate or cry or dream or do anything else with. He makes everything more fun, he holds everything together. He is principled, loyal, hardworking, smart, generous… I could go on :) God is so very good to have created him and to have brought us together. And yet, we are still two imperfect people. We leave the dishes in the sink, lose our patience, snap at each other, disagree about how things should be done, argue over whether food in the refrigerator can be eaten. And so today, for this celebration of long-lasting love, I thought I’d share something practical that has been incredibly helpful in our marriage: specifically banning certain phrases. Like us, I’m guessing you have phrases that, when uttered by your partner, (almost) literally send you through the

Welcome to part two of our marriage Q&A! (Part one here!) A note here at the start: a number of your questions nosed around the idea of overcoming challenges in our relationship, and you will notice I haven’t really answered any of them. This is not to say we are perfect or our marriage is perfect – just that we have been inordinately blessed to find our best friend in each other – and so I don’t have much to offer on the subject of overcoming major challenges in a relationship. Thankfully, there are many people out there who have compassionate, vulnerable, insightful advice for folks looking for light. Here, I like to think of this and the rest of my marriage musings as helping to “optimize” your relationship – giving you little tips and insight as you take it from good to great, or great to legendary :) Let’s continue! What was the transition to marriage like for you two? Easy, hard, challenging, surprising? John: As Emily alluded to above, it was pretty easy. We come from the same background (we grew up in the same town and have similar family experiences) and share the same outlook on life and the same core values. Another piece of Adam Hamilton wisdom: he’s said that “compatibility” is not important in a marriage, in terms of having the same personality or liking to do the same things – but having reverent respect for the other person is, and sharing the same core beliefs. We’ve found that to be true (though we do enjoy doing things together, and happen to have similar personalities, as well…). People often talk about how marriage is so hard, but we’ve found it to be the most comfortable and best thing ever. I think the world (and people

This week we’re celebrating seven years of marriage! (And about 14.5 years of being together!) I invited your questions about our relationship recently, and on the drive home from our MS ride, John and I answered as many as we could get to. Here’s the first installment… What’s the best piece of marriage advice you’ve ever received? John: The first piece that comes to mind is one that just hit home recently, from a sermon by Adam Hamilton (starts at about 31:00). Being better partners makes us better parents, but being better parents won’t necessarily make us better partners. I also love the C.S. Lewis reading from our wedding. Em: This is still the most impactful advice I’ve ever received. How do you choose new adventures together? Em: We love talking about our dreams a LOT. We both score highly for the Futuristic Strengthsfinder theme (“People exceptionally talented in the Futuristic theme are inspired by the future and what could be. They energize others with their visions of the future.”). We talk about what we hope to do next week, month, year, in ten years and fifty years. We talk about what we want our future summers to look like, future anniversaries, camping trips, even our retirement! We talk things out and discuss different options until we circle around what excites us both most and what is possible. John: Our end-of-year dinner is the culmination of this. At that dinner, we make decisions about where we’ll travel in the next year, we narrow down what adventures we want to have, and we set family goals. Emily also wrote a post about how we find interesting things to do here. What random/trivial thing do you argue about most often? John: Issues of food safety can be contentious around here – when

When I read this post from T.J. Mousetis last year, I immediately knew I wanted to do the same thing for our five year wedding anniversary. I love T.J.’s boldness and honesty in sharing that he thinks his marriage is awesome. I also love that he is so open and unashamed about the work that can be done within it. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. That’s not a message I hear often, but it’s one that fires me up. One of the truest things that’s ever been said is that you can’t change anyone but yourself. If I want my marriage to be even more awesome on our ten year anniversary than it is now, that starts with me. To that end, I submit to you five things I want to work on in my next five years of marriage (I’ve already shared them in a card with John!): 1. Listen to the things he wants me to change, and actually do them. I am extremely guilty of glazing right over John voicing something he doesn’t like or wishes I would do differently, registering it as nagging, and letting it go in one ear and out the other with hardly a second thought. It’s often small things — a specific example that comes to mind is not leaving food in the sink disposal — but they matter enough to him to voice. I am committing to giving him the grace of a response (“yes, I will work on that”) and then ACTUALLY WORKING ON IT. My first thought is to start a new note in my phone so I can remember the things (baby steps!). 2. Maintain patience, kindness, and calm when faced with stressful situations. John and I are typically calm, level-headed people. (Our pediatrician