Aside from March (when I crossed off almost nothing on my PowerSheets, having set my monthly goals before the world fell apart), 2020 has been a year of surprising progress for me.
Perhaps this is because, as an introvert, my goals are naturally focused on my home and my family. Certainly it’s because we’ve been fortunate to only have experienced soft blows from COVID-19, like disrupted childcare, travel upheaval, and weaker earnings, and not the devastation of illness, death, or job loss. I’d imagine it’s also because, with uncertainty raging outside our door and what matters most thrown into even greater relief, I’ve had the motivation to double down on the good things I can control. No commutes for John or me have certainly helped, too :)
I’ve done these mid-year goal updates for the last few years, and I’ve always found them a helpful chance to look back and look ahead. But in this particular year, when the disappointments and canceled plans and heartache of the last six months loom large, I think it’s even more important to count the fruit. Thanks for counting it with me, friends.
P.S. This post ended up being longer than I expected, so I’ll be back with an update on my last four goals later this week!
Goal no. 1: Live a wild life outdoors Progress I’ve made: We’ve gone on a hike or “off-trail” adventure at least once a month: wading in our neighborhood creek, playing at Prairie Ridge Ecostation or the Museum of Life & Science, forging our own trails in our neighborhood and local parks, picnic lunching in the middle of the woods, and swimming in the Eno River. Closer to home, we added a sand and rock table to our front porch and commissioned a gate across our steep front steps, creating a new zone for independent outdoor play (we also added more plants to our back bed). I read How to Raise a Wild Child and picked up some tips on how to be a better “nature guide” for our kiddos. What I hope to accomplish in the next six months: More of the same! We’ll continue to notch a family adventure in the woods at least once a month, and if restrictions loosen, I’d love to encourage June to get back into more “loose parts” free play with neighborhood friends. I would also LOVE to make more progress on organizing our garage.
Goal no. 2: Be a generous friend Progress I’ve made: I go deep, not wide, with friends, and this goal is to encourage me to go all-in on this strategy. I chose 8 “focal friends” for the year to very intentionally love, delight, and care for, and so far, I feel I’ve really made a difference with four of the eight. I’ve left housewarming and baby gifts on front steps; brought over meals; had lunch dates, dinner dates, and double dates; sent snail mail; had Zoom game nights; and had long catch-up calls. I also read one of my friend’s favorite books of all time so we could discuss it together :) What I hope to accomplish in the next six months: You know those friend dossiers that keep popping up on my monthly goals? I’d really like to finish them :) I hope that will help me get creative with the four relationships that have not seen as much love so far.
Goal no. 3: Grow strong by biking regularly Progress I’ve made: We bought a stationary bike in January, and so far I’ve ridden 6-12 days each month. I love it! I’ve never owned a piece of exercise equipment nor taken a spin class before this (or any exercise class, really), but the short classes (15-20 minutes), the ability to hop on anytime I’d like, and the lack of travel time are a winning combination for me. Of course, in the current climate, we’re especially grateful to have an in-home exercise option! Since March, we’ve also gone for a family bike almost every Saturday morning. Most recently, we’ve added in daily stretching and 5-minute arms classes through the Peloton app – John and I do them together, which has been fun! What I hope to accomplish in the next six months: We haven’t yet registered for an MS ride for later this year, but I hope COVID might still allow us to participate in either New Bern or Reston. I also hope to continue to increase the number of days per month I squeeze in a ride.
Goal no. 4: Read through the Gospels together with John Progress I’ve made: This has been more slow-going than I would like (we’re still at the tail end of Matthew, our first book), but I’ve really enjoyed what we’ve been able to do so far. It’s been awhile since I’ve read through a complete book of the Bible – it’s neat to hear the stories in order. We’re reading the Crossway books of the Bible and using my study Bible for more context as needed! What I hope to accomplish in the next six months: I still have high hopes we’ll finish all four books before the end of the year!
Thanks for always cheering me on, friends! I’d love to hear how your progress on your 2020 goals has gone so far, if you’d like to share. Big or small, it’s worth celebrating!!
In our yearlong process of discerning whether children were in our future, John and I asked a handful of people some variation of “why did you decide to have children?” or “why do you want to have children?” It was spectacular conversation fodder, and resulted in many memorable discussions with people we love.
One conversation in particular has stuck with me for years. It was with one of the people I’m closest to, and it surprised me.
John and I were tucked into a booth next to each other while out to dinner, sitting across from my Dad. This was in his season of being dislocated from my Mom for his job – he was living in Northern Virginia, and made the trip down to see us once a month. The three of us had many adventures on those weekends – swimming in the Eno, poking around at the farmer’s market, taking long drives to our favorite hiking trails.
On that evening, I remember trying to work The Question into the conversation casually, so as not to betray the turmoil lurking just beneath the surface. If there was one person I trusted to weigh in on this decision, it would be him, and I was more than curious to hear what he’d say.
My Dad is someone who has always delighted in his children. Next to his pun-filled humor, his diplomacy skills, his excellent grammar, his love for reading and history and golf — he is known for his love for his daughters. It is his calling card. “No one loves his daughters as much as Rob Ayer,” a friend’s Mom commented to me once when I was telling her about one of our weekend visits. (What a glow, as a daughter, to be loved so well and so visibly! To be delighted in!)
So what would he say? His answer was simple and, to me, unexpected: “I wanted to raise people I’d like to be around.” Not just people he would love – that was easy – but people he would like.
Though this wasn’t the answer I was expecting, it immediately made sense to me. My Dad is one of six kids who grew up on a dairy farm in a small town. My understanding of his family in childhood is that it was largely an insular unit, a self-contained ecosystem of playmates and chore helpers and book swappers and make believe compadres. If you didn’t like being around your family, life would be pretty awful — because you were going to spend a LOT of time with your family.
Even those of us raised in less-remote settings can appreciate how many hundreds of thousands of hours we log with our immediate family, and therefore, how important it becomes to our overall happiness whether we enjoy that time or not. I can see now that raising his kids to be people he enjoyed being around, of building a family unit of likable people who liked each other, was a guiding principle behind many of his decisions.
Good grades? Not the goal. Intellectual curiosity, a love of reading, and the ability to discuss ideas? That’s a person he would like to spend time with.
Starting varsity player? Not the goal. An appreciation for healthy bodies, sportsmanlike conduct, and a day spent outside? That’s a person he would like to spend time with.
Also the goal: all the things any of us find likable in people, our kids or not – kindness, attentive listening, respect for others, graciousness, a willingness to be a helper.
As a parent, what a release of pressure this must have been! He didn’t want kids to burnish his own self-image. He didn’t want to raise kids to change the world or get great grades or to play a sport he loved. He wanted to raise kids he liked spending time with – when they were young, and now, when they are older. It worked: in my whole life, there has never been a season when I didn’t love spending time with my Dad.
Though this whole parenting paradigm feels selfish in a way – after all, you’re using your standard and preferences as the navigational guide – a kid you like will inevitably be a kid (and adult) other people like, too. And to be clear, this was not about making carbon copies of himself – we can enjoy being around people who are quite different from us! The world will give us a lot of messages about what kinds of kids we should strive to raise, and I’ve found most of them to be pretty empty. But raising kids I enjoy spending time with? I can aim for that.
As an introvert, the idea of a close-knit, built-in community that genuinely loves spending together was immediately appealing to me. In the years since, I’ve found it to be a helpful decision filter, just as I imagine my Dad has. It’s not the only one, of course, but it is helpful – even on a micro level. If there’s something our kids do that really annoys us (like, uh, shrieking for no reason…), we’re going to try to work with them to change it (unless there’s a strong reason not to!). After all, I’m allowed to enjoy this parenting thing, too :)
And enjoy it I do. There are few things I love more than spending a day with June, doing anything or nothing at all. She is the best little buddy – one of my most favorite companions – and a delight to be around. I love her, I like her, and I’m anticipating with joy what our time together might be like as she grows older.
John feels the same way. He is well on his way to being known for his love for his kids (and wife, I hope!!) – just one of the things that makes him an amazing dad. Happy Father’s Day to him, to my Dad and father-in-law, and to all the great dads out there. xo
P.S. I’d never heard this idea ruminated on until last year. I could have written this essay, and loved reading it!
P.P.S. Shep is a great little buddy, too, and I can’t wait for our future adventures as he grows – it’s just a little easier to develop a friendship with someone who can talk :)
We could all use a little dose of whimsy these days, yes? Even before the heartache of last week, there was – and is – the monotony and heaviness of COVID-19. So when June came downstairs after quiet time one day early in quarantine asking for a “special snack,” I was happy to oblige. Enter: the muffin tin snack tray.
Maybe you’ve seen one, or even enjoyed one yourself. I first heard about them from Merrick, and thought they sounded like a lovely idea – maybe a little extra – but something to tuck away for the elementary school years.
And then June requested a special snack and, well, here we are. Having muffin tin snack trays almost daily :)
Here are a few reasons why I have come to love the muffin tin snack tray:
— They are perfect for using up little odds and ends hanging around the fridge or pantry. Less food waste is always a win!
— Because of the fun presentation, and the fact that we’re all eating together, my kids are more likely to try anything new I add to the tray.
— Though most days I’m kind of haphazardly throwing things together, the snack tray presents a creative opportunity for the willing parent: you could theme the contents for upcoming holidays, play around with color or shapes, or attune it to a visitor. Kind of like a modern charcuterie board, but way easier :)
— It helps me get all the food groups into my kiddos in a day. Even if we don’t have a ton of fruits and vegetables at dinner, the snack tray gives me another opportunity to tick those boxes.
And now, a few tips for introducing muffin tin snack trays into your life:
— My initial thought was that I’d introduce snack trays when June started kindergarten – I figured everyone would be a bit older by then and they’d be a sweet moment to reconnect after being apart during the day. Having started earlier, I would say Shep, at 1 3/4, is just barely old enough to participate in a civilized way. He mostly grasps the concepts of sharing, taking one thing at a time, and not putting half-eaten food back into the tray, ha!
— You can fill more than one pocket with the same thing. You don’t have to come up with 12 separate things every day!
— To keep things fun without the budget going wild, I’ve started adding one novel item to my grocery list each week – a new kind of cracker, something from the international aisle, chocolate-covered pretzels, etc. Over a few grocery trips you’ll build up a stash of fun things that you can rotate in and out.
— We like to include a mix of savory and sweet, familiar and foreign, crunchy and soft. Add dips or spreads. Play with colors and textures and have fun!
— Remember you can easily adjust the amounts in each pocket for the number of people eating and how big of a snack you want it to be. June, Shep, and I partake in the snack tray together about 2 hours before dinner, and ours is sized appropriately.
— If you have older kids with bigger appetites, take a tip from Merrick: don’t refill anything until everything is gone. That way, they’ll be forced to eat the veggies if they want more marshmallows :) In our current life stage, I never refill the tray.
— To practice manual dexterity (so Montessori!) and slow the whole process down a bit, give everyone a fancy toothpick to spear with. We like these ones.
Friends, as a parent and a person I am an interesting mix of highly practical and consistently weak-kneed for the magical and memorable. No, not everything in our kiddos’ childhoods has to be magical – much of it will be humdrum and ordinary (and in my opinion that’s actually good!). But I also believe childhood should be punctuated by the needlessly fancy, the extravagantly whimsical, and the fun-just-because. The magical things I love the most are the ones that inject novelty into our days, cause us to linger together, and therefore slow down time. Muffin tin snack trays check all my boxes, and I hope they’ll bring a little sweetness to your days, too!
Friends, I’d love to hear a way you inject a little novelty or magic into daily life, whether or not you have kids!
Mrs. Malavazos was my first grade teacher. I’m not sure why, but in addition to normal first grade stuff, she was passionate about exposing her classes to different cultures in a way that was notable and extraordinary to me even at the time. I loved it, and the books I remember from her shelves were some of the first I bought when we found out June was on the way. Those faces and stories had nestled in my heart, even after all those years. Books can do that – nestle into and open up our hearts in a way few things can.
Sally Clarkson, one of my favorites, speaks to this in The Lifegiving Home. She’s not speaking about diverse books in this context, but this quote helps illustrate how important it is to have them in our collections:
“Each of [these stories] describes the world to its child readers in terms of beauty, friendship, and joy. Their rich but simple language shapes the minds and hearts of their readers by helping them notice what is lovely, love what is beautiful, and value what is loyal and true. A mind filled with [these stories and images] will look on the real world not with indifference but with interest, curiosity, and affection.”
The faces and experiences we see in the stories we read help shape our ideas of what is good, what is beautiful, what is normal, what is valuable and valued.
Also: diverse books, as my newest Instagram follow, Shakira, points out, not only help diverse kids see themselves as the hero of the story — they help my kids see other kids who don’t look like them as the hero of the story. Both are beautiful and important.
With that, here are a few of our favorite children’s books with diverse heroes – and a few we’ve recently added or plan to add to our library! I’ve starred the books with black protagonists, since that is especially important for this moment we’re in.
One note as you pick and choose for your own kiddos, from this list or others: it might sound obvious, but just as I wouldn’t suggest following random black people in an earnest attempt to “diversify your feed,” don’t just buy random kid books that other people are recommending. June loves rainbows, dancing, and puppies, and Shep loves trucks and puppies, and I easily found books with black leads featuring all of these things :)
One final note: the books I saw dealing more explicitly with racism and anti-racism were recommended for ages 5 or older, and that feels right to me. I look forward to adding our picks in this category to updated book lists in the future!
Books I added this week: Black is a Rainbow Color* by Angela Joy Me & Mama* by Cozbi Cabrera (This one doesn’t come out until August, but it looks so sweet! June is in a mama phase and I think she’ll just love this one.) Love is a Truck* by Amy Novesky Please, Puppy, Please* by Spike Lee and Tonya Lewis Lee
For more, I would love to point you toward two accounts I’ve gotten great recommendations from this week and over the years: Here Wee Read and Occasions by Shakira. They both show the inside of many of these books in their Stories, which is so helpful in seeing whether they’d be a good fit for your family!
Friends, I’d love to hear: what children’s books with diverse characters do you love at your house? Or, if you don’t have kids, what grown-up books with diverse characters have you read and loved? I’d love to do a round-up of some of those favorites soon!
Though I’ve linked to Amazon for ease of shopping, I chose not to use affiliate links today. I’m grateful to the ladies mentioned above and others for sharing so many great books with me, and would love to point you toward their accounts to purchase through their affiliate links! If you’d prefer, you can also purchase through a Black-owned bookstore. xo
