“Friendship is the rare kind of relationship that remains forever available to us as we age,” Jennifer Senior noted in an Atlantic piece last year. “It’s a bulwark against stasis, a potential source of creativity and renewal in lives that otherwise narrow with time.” And yet, despite all of its virtues and joys, many of us find friendship something we puzzle over as grown-ups: how to make friends? How to keep friends? How to care for our friends, and find time to actually enjoy their company? After all, says Senior, once we graduate, “we are ritual-deficient, nearly devoid of rites that force us together.”
And so, as adults, we must develop our own friendship practices, habits, and rhythms. Because I’m personally always looking for inspiration, I thought it might be fun to share a few “case studies” of successful friendships in my own life. They’re anonymous, but only lightly so – if you’ve been here awhile, you’ll surely know who I’m talking about. All part of the fun :)
This post turned out to be extravagantly long, so I’ve split it into two parts – three today and three in a future edition!
Case Study No. 1: The former coworkers turned friends
How we met: We worked together at a small business. I worked there first, and advocated for L’s hiring – we had connected via our blogs while she was still in college. From her writing, I knew she would be perfect for the role, and we were kindred spirits from the start once we finally met in person. (Still are :))
K and I have a particularly good meet-cute: the first time we met, at a reader event I was hosting for work, she came up to me and blurted out, “I know where you live.” Not creepy at all, ha!
How we got close: L and I sat next to each other five days a week for several years, and together the three of us (along with other beloved teammates!) road tripped, squealed over major business victories, survived one particularly painful team-building activity, sweated buckets at photo shoots, celebrated engagements and new babies, frolicked across fields in – there’s no other word for it – ballgowns, and much, much more. Small business life is not for the faint of heart, and relationships often grow deep and strong as you navigate it together.
How we stay close: Though we met as coworkers, we no longer work together. This could have been the end – I have said goodbye to many coworkers throughout my career, and without the regular face time (physical or virtual) of the workweek (and the chance to share the tiny details of life over Slack or while gathering for a meeting), it’s impossible to maintain the same type of relationship.
And so transition becomes necessary. Sometimes this is to a more distant, but benevolent, relationship. Other times – as in this one – you find a way to forge something new AND close.
As COVID lockdowns loosened a bit in August 2020, the three of us tucked kids into bed and met up on L’s back porch with glasses of Prosecco and bowls of popcorn. And then we talked for 2-3 hours, so happy to be together in person. Before we parted ways, we put a date on the calendar for our next get-together, and we’ve been doing it ever since.
What we’ve overcome: Navigating our transitions from coworkers to friends was challenging for me. Because we were used to seeing each other during the workday, we had no established rhythms to be together outside of work, and so in some ways felt we were starting from scratch with figuring out what our friendship would look like.
In both cases, I also dealt with feelings of betrayal when they decided to leave the business (and I stayed behind). It’s painful to admit, but I harbored bitterness for months that poisoned our relationship, at least on my side. To move past it, after clearly feeling God ask me to make a move, I had to initiate a dedicated conversation where I shared what I had been feeling and apologized. It was one of the scariest conversations I’ve ever had, but I’m so glad I had it. We would not have the friendship we have today without it.
What I love about our friendship: We’ve been through a lot together, and these ladies GET me: multi-state road trips leave lots of time for conversation. We’ve met each other’s families. We’ve celebrated and mourned with each other through major life events.
I love that the three of us are both different and the same. Many of the things that matter most to us we hold in common, but we are wildly different in other ways, with different personalities and interests and areas of expertise. I also love that our ages are slightly staggered – between the three of us, we span about eight years – which brings an interesting flavor to our conversations and allows us to speak into each other’s lives in unique ways.
I love that meeting up so regularly allows the tiny dramas of life to spool out in a way that engenders closeness: there’s always something to catch up on when we’re together, and yet there are never big gaps we need to fill.
And finally, if you’ve met these two ladies, you know ANYONE would consider themselves lucky to be their friend. They are supremely talented, extravagantly generous, passionate about all the right things, and just plain fun to be around.
Case Study No. 2: The couple friends
How we met: N was a photographer I met through work practically in my first month on the job. I started to read her blog, and when I saw she and her husband liked to play Settlers of Catan (a somewhat niche interest!), sent a VERY bold and uncharacteristic email offering to get together to play, if they wanted.
How we got close: They did, and we did, and we’ve been playing board games ever since. Things took a turn a few years in when we went camping together – there’s nothing like conversations around a campfire, or seeing someone un-showered first thing in the morning, to bump a relationship up a level. Since we were friends before any of us had children, we had time for long, honest conversations about the things that matter to us, like generosity, marriage, family, faith, travel, and, yes, eventually the decision to have kids.
How we stay close: Camping. Always camping, every year. It’s a guaranteed check-in where we know we’ll be able to connect and go beyond surface conversation, even if we have to brave bugs and dirt to do so.
Other than that, in this season of life we make do with infrequent get-togethers, like dinners at one of our homes with all seven of our kids and the occasional double date night.
I also consider myself the number one fan of her podcast and will frequently text her my commentary and feedback :)
What we’ve overcome: We’ve overcome physical distance. We’ve never lived particularly close to each other, but the distance was easier to overcome in our kid-free days, when no one was paying for babysitters and driving 40 minutes for a game night was nothing.
We’ve also bridged difference. Though we share many important things in common, we’ve also made different choices on church, education for our kids, work, type of neighborhood, and more. It’s easy to judge or feel judged when your loved ones choose differently from you, and I’m proud that our friendship is stronger than that.
What I love about our friendship: One thing I treasure about our relationship is that I like to think we learn from each other. I know I have personally learned SO much from N and from watching N and W’s relationship over the years. And this is the beauty of difference – if you’re exactly the same, there’s no room to grow :)
Case Study No. 3: The group of friends
How we met: A mostly-online friend who had just moved to the area approached me about starting a monthly discussion group, and I enthusiastically agreed. We issued open invitations on our blogs, opened our homes to perfect strangers, and the rest, as they say, is history.
How we got close: Seven years later, four gals from that first night are still in the club. The other eight joined us over time – some, blog readers who responded to periodic open invitations, others who knew someone on the inside :)
The most obvious way that we got close is because 1) we met regularly – every single month, without fail, and 2) every time, we discussed things that mattered over several hours. I mean, if you want a formula for developing a deep relationship, I don’t think you can do much better than that. There were a few other key factors over the years, though:
About a year in, we decided to hold our discussion over dinner instead of over wine and snacks. There’s something about cooking for each other and sharing a meal that engenders familiarity.
During the pandemic, we found creative ways to meet – on Zoom, bundled in ridiculous layers of clothing around a fire pit, on blankets in the park with takeout boxes on our laps. In a time starved for companionship and rife with things to discuss, we had each other.
Finally, we started a group text thread. This might sound inconsequential, but it provided an immediacy to our friendship that hadn’t existed before, as we didn’t chat much outside of our monthly gatherings. Now, we’re a part of each other’s lives in a more mundane way that is beyond delightful.
How we stay close: Yes, it’s the fact that we meet monthly. But to go one level deeper, I’ve got to give credit to my co-founder, who sends the email that confirms our date each month, another a few days before that reminds us where and when we’re meeting and what we’re reading, and creates a SignUp Genius link for our meal. She’d tell you it’s nothing, but it’s not. Organizational skills are one type of glue that holds friend groups together, and that’s certainly the case in ours.
What we’ve overcome: This group has never felt rocky, which is both shocking – considering the controversial, personal, and deeply meaningful things we discuss – and a deep testament to these women. I also think it signals a truth our modern, very online, culture seems designed to conceal: that there are very few people you wouldn’t love if you spent time with them, around a table, in good faith.
What I love about our friendship: I mean, so many things – I’ve waxed poetic many times over the years :) But man – that text thread! Everyone needs one in their life! A smattering of topics from the last week: line-drying clothing, Demon Copperhead, OB/Gyn recs, Amazon + One Medical, someone’s cute new tennis bag, thank you note methodology, an undershirt for sweaters, everyone’s favorite types of butter, where to donate dress pants, and an absolute deluge of hype over one member’s marathon finish that qualified her for the Boston Marathon (!!!). It’s also an official rule that you must share a selfie after you get a haircut.
If you’re in need of a local recommendation, have something exciting to share, something you want to discuss, something you need an opinion on or a cheerleader for anything at all – this is your thread. Everyone needs one!
Up next: a church friend, a neighborhood friend, and either a preschool friend or a long-distance friend – you tell me which you’d prefer! :) I’d also love to hear something that moved you closer to one of your friends, if you’d like to share.
In search of photos to use in this post, I searched “flower” in my camera roll and these were three favorites that popped up: an iPhone snap from one of the last SW photo shoots, sunflowers at Dix Park, and a backyard centerpiece plucked from our garden. Also, affiliate links are used in this post!
On my birthday, I wrote about my spirit age, or subjective age, of 36 – the age I’ve consistently felt on the inside since my late teens. Dancing around the edge of those musings was something else I’ve been sitting with, though it didn’t make it into the essay proper: the idea that I don’t change. This is less of a settled fact I believe about myself and more an idea I’m holding up to the light, twisting and turning to see how it looks from different angles. Does it square when held up against other things I know to be true about myself?
The answer: yes and no. Yes, I think I am an unusually consistent person, and have been for a long time. I value stability and loyalty and wisdom. I married my high school sweetheart. I have worked for the same company my whole adult life (albeit with twists and turns along the way). I made a major geographical move after college but have stayed put ever since. My faith has remained true. This blog you’re reading has been around for 14 years.
But also: I used to fear and loathe speaking in front of a crowd, and now I volunteer for it. We worship in a new community. I am hugely more comfortable with small talk, and now rather likely to extend forward invitations in friendship. I compost and use washable cotton rounds and somehow learned to use my Instant Pot. I camp and hike. I read things I disagree with daily, and sometimes they change my mind.
Let’s consider this a little home tour preview, shall we? :)
Change and novelty do not always come naturally to me, but I see their value. And so, in my 36th year, I am – very loosely, very casually – embarking on a “new 36” experiment. (“New 52” has much more of a ring to it, but 52 felt a bit overwhelming :)) The plan is to seek out the new that feels like it would add something to my life. I’m thinking of it more as a “to done” list than a “to do” list, with more room for serendipity than some of my other projects.
That being said, I do have a few ideas – some of which I’ve already checked off or that are in process…
Take tennis lessons Place an order on ThredUp Pray on my knees first thing in the morning Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity Donate blood (I come from a family of prodigious blood donors and have grand aspirations but have always been near the weight limit and somewhat prone to fainting…) Find a perfume I love Replace my beloved hat with a new look Camp for the weekend with my best big girl Chaperone a field trip Take a day trip via train to Greensboro Bike the whole American Tobacco Trail
What would be on your list? What new thing would you like to do or try? This experiment was inspired in part by my friend Shay, who shared about her “new 52” project in her 38th year. Some things she’s tried so far: throwing pottery, a new discipleship friendship, visiting a new country (!), a hot yoga class, a personal training session, a new marriage devotional, and attending a hockey game.
I also floated my idea to the Articles Club gals and they had ideas of their own. New things my pals want to try: install a Little Free Library, learn to use power tools, donate a kidney (!), play pickle ball with friends, and plant herbs.
So: what would be on your list? Or what new thing, big or small, have you tried in the last year? I’d love to hear!
Remember in December when we talked about my two marvelous friends and their done-for-you holiday magic? Persnickety Gifts sources stocking stuffers, Easter baskets, birthday gifts, and more so that you can celebrate as a family with ease. If you love the idea of shopping small, curating thoughtful gifts, and creating everyday magic for your littles, but don’t have the patience, know-how, bandwidth, and/or desire to make it happen, this is for you!
Just like their stockings, their done-for-you Easter baskets couldn’t be easier: you choose your child’s age and gender on their website, and they send you a neatly-packaged bundle of goodies ready to tuck into their basket. No paying shipping from 15 retailers or breaking down 15 boxes – just handpicked delights from small and lovable businesses. (And no weird surprises, either – you can see everything that will be included right in the listing!)
So fun, yes? And lucky for us, Persnickety was kind enough to let me give away one done-for-you basket bundle! Just leave a comment here with which basket bundle you’d choose (age + gender – though of course they’re just suggestions – you know your kids best!). Consider following Persnickety on Instagram or signing up for their newsletter for a little holiday magic throughout the year, if you’d like.
I’ll choose a winner on Wednesday! (Updated to add: Congratulations to our winner, Carolyn!)
In addition to inviting me to host a giveaway, my pals were kind enough to send me a few items from their add-on collection. And friends, don’t sleep on this under-the-radar part of their business! It’s perfect for someone like me – who enjoys collecting things throughout the year and likes to include basics like shoes and pajamas, but loves the opportunity to round out what I’ve collected with fun items from small businesses (again without paying shipping multiple times or breaking down boxes).
Here’s what each of our kids will be getting in their Easter baskets this year, including goodies from Persnickety Gifts:
We’re in Lent, the season in the Christian calendar that leads to Easter. It’s often a time when Christians will either fast from something or add a spiritual discipline to their days, with the intent of orienting their minds and hearts more toward Jesus. Lent seems as good a time as any to debut this series, though I anticipate it will stretch for years into the future, as our kids grow and the way we seek to form our family and its faith grows alongside them.
An admission up front: there will likely be no groundbreaking ideas here. You might find these posts almost at the level of duh simplicity. But if you’re anything like me, you need the regular and very simple reminder that family discipleship does not always have to be complicated. More than perhaps any other area of my life, I have the instinct here to build the big machine, to devise the elaborate practice – and still, more often than not, to worry that I’m not doing enough.
This is not all bad: I believe there is a direct relationship between how much creating a fertile environment for our children to know and trust Jesus matters to me (and John) and how much thought we put into how we are doing that. But I hope through this occasional series I can encourage you (if it’s something that matters to you) AND MYSELF that little by little adds up.
So without further ado, here are the first three (very simple) family faith formation practices that we’ve been practicing with our 7-year-old, 4-year-old, and 1-year-old.
We go to church.
Aside from a too-long hiatus during the pandemic, going to church every Sunday has been a priority for our family. This essay does a much better job than I could at outlining the power of this simple habit, but as a parent, I especially appreciated how he shared that his family’s commitment to attending church every Sunday growing up communicated major truths to him that embedded deeply: God is the center of life. God is worthy of praise and worship. The Christian life requires sacrifice and discipline. As in so many areas of life, actions (especially consistent actions) speak louder than words.
“If you feel inadequate to lead your kids spiritually,” he writes, “just go to church. If strategizing about your Christian parenting feels overly complicated, just go to church.” When I tell you I feel seen…
Of course, it’s not quite this simple. Faithfully going to church, week after week, means opening yourself to the influence of others. It specifically means releasing your children into spaces where they’ll be taught by others in a situation beyond your control. (And man, as parents we like control, don’t we?) It means entering into community and being known. It requires trust. I know this can feel scary, and it is certainly worth your time to search for and vet a potential church home. But I also personally feel convicted that for us, we could not let fear or apathy keep us from one of the most central parts of the Christian faith – gathering and worshiping regularly with other believers. And, speaking from the other side of having found a church home that fits and is trustworthy, it is more than worth the effort of the search and moving past the fear.
We listen to our kids’ worship playlist.
Credit for this one goes to Nancy! I started our playlist by cribbing songs from hers, but have slowly made it our own over the last few years. It includes worship songs meant for both kids and grown-ups. And while I choose the songs with my kids in mind, the rule is that every song must be one the grown-ups also enjoy listening to – no annoying songs here :) It includes mostly-upbeat and sing-along-able favorites from Ellie Holcomb, Slugs and Bugs, Rend Collective, Lifetree Kids, Mission House, Lauren Daigle, Maverick City, We the Kingdom, and more.
This is our default playlist in the car, but I particularly like to play it on our way to and from school – I think it’s a beautiful way to fill their hearts before they head to the classroom, as well as welcome them back home into our family in the afternoon. I knew my plan was succeeding when June climbed in the car after school one day early on and said, “Mama, I had Leaning on the Everlasting Arms stuck in my head all day!” Ha! I also see these songs as building a vocabulary that helps them speak about their faith. (Many of the lyrics are actually scripture verses.)
One fun tip your kids might enjoy like ours did: when you make the playlist, name it after your family – ours is called Thomas Kids Worship.
We encourage ourselves.
John and I both take our jobs of shaping our kids hearts seriously, and so we’re serious about learning ways to do that better and seeking out resources that will encourage and equip us as we do. This looks different for each of us. I like to listen to podcasts like Risen Motherhood, the Family Discipleship Podcast, and Raising Boys and Girls. I also like to read – both books that are explicitly about shepherding kids, or simply ones that encourage and equip me in my own faith (which of course overflows to my kids).
Sometimes I’ll learn something tactical to apply, other times I take away a more philosophical idea that makes me think, and sometimes I’m simply receiving plain old encouragement to stick with it for the long haul. As an example, a very simple encouragement that has stuck with me from the Family Discipleship Podcast is this: when it comes to faith, our kids don’t have to understand everything all at once. In fact, much of the early work of faith formation is simply giving them a vocabulary to speak about and ask questions about faith. I knew that, of course (duh!), but when the hosts shared it, it was like a bucket of relief was poured over my head.
So there you have it! Three (relatively) simple faith formation practices our family has found helpful. I hope there’s something you can take away, whether fostering your kids’ faith also matters to you or if there’s something else you hope to grow in your kids (or the kids you love). If you’d like to share, I’d love to hear a practice that has been helpful in your family, or something that has stuck with you from your own upbringing!
