Several times a month I am tickled to receive a thoughtful query from an Em for Marvelous reader. I have a somewhat disappointing response rate – which makes me sad every time I think about it – but when life does allow, I love to respond, because figuring out life together is one of my very favorite things.
I recently had a conversation over email about moving away from family that begged to be shared with the group, and Leslie was gracious to agree. Listen in, and I look forward to hearing what you think in the comments!
Leslie wrote:
My name is Leslie, and I’ve read your blog for a few years now. It’s always a delight to read your thoughtful posts with the many questions/issues/topics that are relevant to me and my family (i.e. the practical handlings of two working parents… #preach). I am sure it takes a considerable amount of time, but for myself, it is truly much enjoyed and much appreciated!
I currently live in Texas with my husband and two boys (4 and 2). We are both in the medical field and are looking at a move in the next two years for further training purposes. One location we have thrown into the hat of possibilities is – you guessed it – North Carolina.
From what I’ve gathered, you and your husband moved away from both of your families to NC. Our move would involve a similar situation, as my entire family and my husband’s parents also live in our current city (though neither of us were born/raised here).
My question for you is simply – was it worth it? I hope that doesn’t sound rude or intrusive, we are just very seriously weighing our possibilities, and NC has come up as a pretty ideal spot location-wise for us to consider – the biggest “negative” being that our families are here. My husband’s parents may consider following us, but we would be moving away from my entire family and I’m just wondering if you have any thoughts on the ramifications of moving away from parents in particular.
Obviously no two situations are identical and each family has their own unique situations to consider, but I guess I just would love to know if the positives of your move have, in your opinion, outweighed the negative, and what the thought process may have been for y’all to consider the move and all it entailed.
Here was my initial response:
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful email, and for your insightful question. Clearly a woman after my own heart!
First, I wanted to make sure you’ve seen this post from the archives where I talk about the choice to move away from family. And also, this one where I talk about the benefits of establishing our household away from family and some of the complications of having family nearby. (And also, separate from the family question, this post with a few things I love about North Carolina.)
I do think one significant difference between your situation and ours is that we moved away several years before having children. In that way, you have the benefit of knowing what life with kids and with family nearby looks like right now – something which we did not. So you have a lot of good data to use in your decision. In your shoes, I’d be asking myself questions like:
— How often do we see our family right now? — Do we have, or do we hope to have, regular traditions together that add to our life, like Sunday family dinners? — Do we enjoy spending time with our family? Do they mesh with our immediate family culture and support our parenting decisions? Or do we love them, but find spending a lot of time with them stressful? — How much practical help does family currently provide? (i.e. Do they provide childcare? Watch the kids for date nights? Help with pick ups or drop offs?) Were we to move, would we be financially or practically able to fill in these responsibilities, or would it cause a lot of stress? — What is our financial and practical ability for our parents to travel to see us and us to travel to see our parents? Now and in the future, as kids and parents age? — And then there are the really big questions: What is our vision for our life/kids/family culture, and how does extended family fit into that? What might our parents’ aging process look like and how might proximity play into that? Are we okay with seeing our parents much less often than we might if we were to live nearby? This post, which I link to in one of the posts above, is not an answer, but certainly provides some food for thought.
Since you asked: yes, for us moving away from family was worth it. We love the life we have built here and think it was a good choice for our family. That doesn’t mean it’s sometimes hard, or that there aren’t more questions to consider in the future, but we feel peaceful and grateful with how things have played out so far.
I hope this helps, or at least gives you some things to think about :) Thank you again for reading and for your thoughtful question!
And then Leslie replied:
Thank you for the thoughtful reply! I had not yet read those posts from your archives. Food for thought, indeed.
I appreciate the questions you posed as things you might consider. In the back of my mind, I have contemplated similar questions, I think, and it’s helpful to actually bring them to the forefront. Having never lived close to any extended family growing up, it’s honestly difficult to know what living close to family long-term might be like, but that’s important to consider. And that Tail End article…could send you into a YOLO frenzy on just the right day.
Obviously kids do not always end up in the same location as their parents, but another thing I’m contemplating centers around the idea that wherever my kids spend a good portion of their growing-up years, is more or less going to feel like home to them. And, in general, kids are probably more likely to go to college in-state, which typically ends up being where they find first jobs, spouses, and settle down themselves. Although that’s far in the future, contemplating our decision in light of what impact it might have on our kids’ lives long-term is definitely thought-provoking.
Anyway, I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond to my email. I hope you enjoy the rest of your summer and please enjoy a bite of biscuit next time for me.
Leslie was politely wrappings things up but I couldn’t help but respond:
Leslie! Have you been reading my mail?! John and I were JUST having a conversation about this last week! We were at our daughter’s swim meet, and the opposing team was honoring their seniors… all of whom were going to schools in the Triangle. This is extremely common here, and truly something that delights me. Between NC State, UNC, Duke, Elon, App State, Wake Forest, and then schools like UNC Charlotte, UNC Wilmington, Davidson, etc. moving a little farther out – there’s something for everyone and it very much seems like the culture here is to stay close for college.
This is SO different from where I grow up in New England, and specifically Connecticut, where the state schools are not particularly prestigious or plentiful and most of the students who can either go elsewhere in New England or even farther afield. Selfishly, I love the idea that our children have a very good chance of staying somewhat local for college, because you’re absolutely right – it makes it more likely that they’ll settle nearby long-term, too. Because despite not living near my parents, I very much want to live near my children :)
Now, readers, I turn it over to you! What would you add? Have you moved away from family? Have you moved closer to family? Have you always lived near family? If you have children, do you think about where they might settle? I would truly love to hear from you, and I’m sure Leslie would, too :)
P.S. This is a different style of post! Would love to hear if you liked it!
About a year and a half ago, I shared inspiration for our master bedroom refresh. As often seems to happen with these more private spaces (as opposed to the more public spaces that everyone enjoys), our bedroom wasn’t at the top of the priority list (even though it is very much a hub of family life). We have finally completed what we set out to do, though, and I’d love to share the finished space with you today!
To refresh your memory, here’s where we started:
As we discussed, this room does A LOT. It’s where we sleep, obviously, but it’s also where our kids’ clothing is stored, where they get dressed in the morning, and where they pull on their jams at night. It’s our workout area, where our Peloton and weights live. And on top of all that, it’s John’s office 3-4 days a week. While it’s a good-sized room, again, that’s a LOT.
Here’s the landscape painting that inspired the color scheme. This was my gift to John on our wedding day eleven years ago – it reminded me of the dunes near his family’s cottage in Michigan. It has hung in our room ever since.
And here’s the after!
Ahhhhhh. It turned out even better than I had hoped :) Here’s a little breakdown of what we did:
We painted the walls. Thanks to longtime reader Emma, we went with Benjamin Moore Pale Smoke and I think it is the perfect color for this space – calming and elegant. We hired our handyman to paint and it was 100% worth it, as always.
We bought an actual bed (!!!). Those of you who have been here awhile know this deserves all the exclamation points. I think I started talking about wanting a real bed in 2013, ha! After much debate, we went with the Charlotte bed in Zuma White, which now appears to be called the Tilly bed. We have been so happy with it!
We refreshed our bedding. We kept the same quilt (not replacing that puppy until our kids are out of diapers, ha!), sheets, and big blue pillows, but added the green shams (in sage green) and floral pillow. (For the latter, I went with the 12×24 size and 100% should have gone larger for our king bed. Was trying to save money but wish I hadn’t in this instance :))
We switched out the curtains and hardware. I splurged on these custom curtains in an extra-long length so we could hang them high and I think they make the room. Sometimes I turn the corner and they practically stop me in my tracks, truly! We got blackout lining (rod pocket style) and the quality is excellent. We paired them with this curtain rod – simple and classic.
I have recently been thinking a lot about what a blessing our mortgage is. We’re just past a decade in this house, and in some ways, it seems so crazy that we’re still paying essentially the same amount each month when rent, home prices, and interest rates have soared all around us. It certainly eases the pain of squeezing a bed, home gym, double closet, and office into one room :) Would this multi-purpose room be our choice if money were no object? No. But it is certainly the right fit for right now, and for that we’re grateful.
It’s not too often you invite a bunch of friends over for a tour of your bedroom, but here we are! I hope you enjoyed it, and perhaps leave encouraged that it’s taken us over a decade in this house to get to this point :) Of course, as always, please let me know if you have any questions – I’m happy to help!
We learn, and then we learn, and then we learn some more :) That’s a bit what this summer has felt like at the intersection of my goals and family life. Thus far (two summers in!) this off-from-school season has been a learning curve each time – summers just don’t seem to be “set it and forget it” with growing kids. But that’s okay! This is when it’s really nice to be clear on the big picture – what matters and what doesn’t – instead of just clear on my goals for any one month.
So though I didn’t much make a dent in my goals for July, here are a few things that did happen:
completed projects at work a week in Connecticut and a week in Maine after-dinner pool trips watching Hijack and Never Have I Ever with John playdates a trip to the Museum with friends hosting my niece and nephew for a week of cousin camp reading dozens of board books and a chapter of the Penderwicks each night trips to the grocery store, one kid in tow each time rounds of Dutch Blitz and Cribbage lingering after piano lessons to play with friends allergy testing (and soft-serve afterward) a long weekend with my parents a trip to the Eno River caring for a succession of sick kids volunteering at neighborhood swim meets a weekly dinner with our church small group
…and more. And when you put it like that, this month does sound like a success :)
On my calendar: — A train trip to Greensboro for the day with friends. We are directly lifting Kristin’s itinerary, including visiting the children’s museum! — Visiting John’s parents for the first time at their home in Virginia. A new era in our family! — The first day of school and our back-to-school dinner.
What I’m loving right now: — I actually feel I need to apologize for not mentioning these sooner, but if you’re smaller-chested, I CANNOT recommend them enough. I had seen them recommended for years but never took the plunge because they seemed vaguely complicated, but nothing could be farther from the truth. They’ve made wearing sleeveless and skinny-strap dresses an absolute breeze this summer and are FAR better than a strapless bra, IMHO! Go for it!! — Not a strapless dress, but this striped number has been a staple this summer. The sage green color and style are perfection. Size down! — I was nodding right along with this piece in The Atlantic about the reasons so many people have stopped going to church in the last 25 years. Made me grateful to be a part of a church that’s committed to living differently – and caring for people differently – than most in modern American life.
As a reminder, you can find allll the things I’ve loved over the last few years neatly organized right here!
What I read in July: — This Time Tomorrow | I really loved this one – it includes time travel, but really it’s a daughter’s love letter to her father (which pulled at all my heartstrings). — Little Earthquakes | The memoir of one of my sister-in-law’s best friends, who was diagnosed with stage four cancer as a young mom. Sarah has an incredible story, though knowing her personally made this an especially bittersweet read. — The Lincoln Highway | One of my favorite reads of the year! I *almost* put it on my reading list for 2023, but I’m so glad I made time for it even though I didn’t. Memorable characters, excellent writing – a true journey you won’t soon forget. (I liked this better than A Gentleman in Moscow, for those who have read both!) — Piranesi | This book is weird yet charming. A short read, it’s the story – the journal – of Piranesi, a strange fellow living in a massive stone ruin surrounded by the sea. He’s mostly alone, with the exception of his biweekly meetings with The Other, who is seeking A Great and Secret Knowledge. Though trusting, Piranesi begins to question his home and life after strange events begin happening… and the story continues from there :) — The Vanderbeekers of 141st Street | LOVE! June read this chapter book on her own and then passed it to me, insisting I must read it, too. I did, and fell just as much in love with the Vanderbeekers as she did. Heartwarming and fun, it’s an almost perfect pick for any young readers in your house who love the Penderwicks.
My reading list for 2023!Even though not one of my July books was on my list, I’m 17 / 24 so far for the year.
Revisiting my July goals: Update our budget tracking (I made the tiniest dent in this, but it will be largely moving to September.) Finish organizing the second half of our 2021 photos (Nope.) Edit June in June (I chose a song and did the prep work but have not edited yet!) Tackle our master closet (John and I actually made really good progress on this! I’m not checking this off because I’d say we’re only half done, but I’m thrilled we got as far as we did.)
August goals: — Make plans for our anniversary trip to Charleston — Clean out the art bin and clean off the top of my white dresser, both of which still have clutter from the last school year (eep!) — Buy bins for each kids’ mementos and artwork and sort items from the current joint box into them — Tackle the pantry — Edit June in June, Volume 8
As a reminder, many of these are drawn from my 2023 goals!
I hope you get to enjoy some of the sweet fruits of late summer (literal and metaphorical) this month, friends! Feel free to comment on anything above or anything else that’s on your mind :)
If you hang out in the same corner of the internet as me (and hi, if you’re reading this, you probably do) then you have certainly seen Habits of the Household recommended. I’m here to say it’s with good reason! With chapters covering Waking, Mealtime, Discipline, Screentime, Work, and more, this book is packed full of actionable and simple ideas for implementing purposeful family habits in even the smallest moments. After reading two of his books (and preordering the newest one!), Justin Whitmel Earley has earned his spot on my list of trusted authors and I am jazzed to discuss Habits of the Household today.
To keep things organized (because I could truly go on and on), I’m going to give you four reasons I loved this book, four takeaways, and three suggestions. Let’s go!
Four Reasons I Loved Habits of the Household
1. The writing. For me, Justin’s passionate yet elegant writing makes this book. He is earnest and genuine, and his heart for what could be a dry topic comes through so clearly. He wears the dual roles of relatable dad and thoughtful expert beautifully: with a wife, four young boys, and a full-time legal career, it’s clear he is living the struggles and triumphs right alongside his readers. This work matters to him – and he has so many anecdotes and experiments to share – because he’s in the thick of it, too.
2. The practicality. For as beautifully written of a book as this is, it is extremely practical. It’s also meticulously organized – easy to read and apply even as it packs in a ton of information and ideas. I love how the ten chapters move chronologically, covering habits from Waking to Bedtime. Each chapter offers thoughts on the significance, opportunities, and potential pitfalls of an aspect of the household, presents some ideas for character- and family-forming habits, and then neatly sums everything up at the end of the chapter with the main idea, key takeaways and images, things to try, sample scripts, potential boundaries or expectations, and further resources.
3. The reminder of grace. If you struggle with legalism (the idea that your good works alone can ingratiate you with Jesus), then you might approach a book about habits of faith with apprehension. Justin heads that off by including the above reminder in the summary of every single chapter, and I think it’s perfect in its concision and clarity. He’s relentless in his belief that good habits are worth developing and equally relentless in his insistence that they don’t replace relationship.
4. The epilogue. He really brings it home at the end, touching on several of my pet themes: time, intentionality, the big picture (the family-age chart exercise is eye-opening, isn’t it?). And then he goes and references one of my favorite lines of scripture in a passage I’ve highlighted and starred in my copy:
I love this. I love it. I love that he speaks to the weight of our role without weighing us down. I love that he takes our duties as parents seriously, but remains lighthearted. I love that he points to the finitude of time without panicking. And I love how he closed with memories of his dad, tying it all back to Jesus in the most beautiful, affecting way.
Four takeaways from Habits of the Household
This is a book I will be returning to over and over, and I imagine I’ll take away something new each time as our kids move through different stages. But here are four favorite takeaways I had on my first read-through: either new practices we implemented, or particular encouragements to keep on our current path.
1. WAKING | The waking chapter was one of my favorites, and resulted in two of my most tangible new habits: a short kneeling prayer at the side of my bed first thing in the morning (I literally roll out of bed onto my knees, ha) and the family blessing before leaving for school/preschool/work. When we were first establishing the habits, post-it notes on my bedside table and on the wall near our front door served as helpful cues.
My favorite part about the blessing is that – just as Justin says – it noticeably changes my heart posture towards the kids in the moments leading up to it. It’s hard to snap at someone to PUT ON THEIR SHOES when you know you’ll have to hold hands and pray together ten seconds later :)
2. SCREENTIME | This chapter did not disappoint – I was nodding along with every page. Though I loved his thoughts on curation and many of the habit suggestions (like watching through the end of the credits!), what stuck with me most was the idea that setting screen time and curation limits is a way for the parent to take on pain now so that their kids don’t have to later.
As a parent, it’s often much easier (in the moment) to allow more screen time. It is much harder to say no, to enforce limits, to create the conditions for solo or group play away from screens. “We aid our children’s formation in character, wisdom, emotional intelligence, and creativity,” Justin says, “by intervening as parents and taking the inconvenience of saying, ‘Yes, this is going to mean I get fewer breaks and have to be more involved and have to manage constant requests, but this is for their formation, which means it is a fight worth fighting well.” This chapter gave me words for and even ennobled what can feel like a never-ending slog.
3. WORK | I loved this chapter so very much – it had many echoes of Hunt, Gather, Parent, and bolstered my belief that kids would almost always prefer to be doing something alongside a parent, invited into their work, than shunted off to the side or occupied with an activity designed for kids. For Shep, especially, we have noticed that one of the best ways to deal with any miscreant behavior is to redirect it into helping us in some way – drawing him closer and putting him to work instead of sending him away.
This chapter also encouraged me to just talk about work more, especially at the dinner table. Just as we ask our kids about their days, we can tell them about ours and actually include some real details.
4. PLAY | The opening of this chapter is beautiful – all about the importance of a playful Christian imagination, how “in Christianity, you won’t get very far without a healthy imagination.” And that is not because the story of God is made up, but because it is so very real: “the world is so much more than meets the eye. This is the wisdom of all fairy tales and of any good kids’ movie – that things are more than they seem. Extraordinary things are patiently waiting, right here in this reality, to be discovered … Play is thus a way to reenchant a disenchanted world.”
This chapter had echoes of Sally Clarkson for me, and I loved it. It gave me encouragement to keep on the track we’re on, ensuring plenty of margin and scaffolding for imaginative play and curating life-giving imaginative stories.
Three Suggestions for Reading Habits of the Household
1. Start small | It’s hard for me to imagine someone having a complaint about this book, but if they did, I imagine it would be that there are too many good ideas to choose from and it feels overwhelming to know where to start. I suppose in some ways this didn’t seem like an obstacle to me, because I write about habit formation and goals as a career, but I also get it – there are a LOT of really great ideas packed in here!
The encouragement I’d give you is this (the same advice we liberally dole out at Cultivate and that Justin underlines, too): start small. Pick 1-3 things you’d like to try and just try them. If they stick? Great! If you find they’re not quite right for your family, that’s okay. Go back and pick something else. And once you’ve mastered those, you can move on to something else. This is a long game, and it’s okay to go slow.
2. Don’t worry about your kids’ reactions | Perhaps my children are just used to my *interesting* ideas and experiments when it comes to their household and routines, but in general, I think kids are extremely adaptable. They’ll accept most new things without batting an eye! And even if there’s initial skepticism or resistance, it’s okay! Keep going! They’ll adjust – they really will. I was a bit worried about how to introduce the morning blessing and whether our kids would think it was weird, but they just rolled with it.
3. Read with a friend | Earlier this year, a friend invited me to read Habits of the Household alongside her. I was flattered and excited, and immediately said yes – but I had no idea how good it was going to be. Our two-person book club has met several times over the last few months – usually while walking or bike riding – to discuss a handful of chapters at a time. We share our favorite parts, what stuck out to us, what felt hard to swallow. We talk about new things we’re trying and swap practices that have been successful in our families.
I cannot recommend this approach to the book more. It is GREAT accountability for actually implementing new things, it will be an encouragement to you in the good work you’re doing of leading and shaping your family, and it will absolutely bring you closer to your friend. Highly, highly recommend. Grateful for you, Elisha!!
Friends, we get to decide the culture in our homes, and that is a great responsibility and a great privilege. We can form our children in God’s love. We can train them in meaningful relationships. And, as Justin says, we can create homes that are missional lights in a dark world. Habits can help, and so can this book. If you decide to pick it up, I hope you really love it! And if you’ve already read it, I’d love to hear your favorite part!
