For me, one of the delights of getting older is having the opportunity to model what a loving, generous, thoughtful grown-up life can look like to the kids and teens around me. Obviously, it must be said that I DO NOT do this perfectly, not even a little bit – but it is something I think about often. What messages am I sending to the younger people around me about what it means to be a grown-up? From looking at me, will they think it’s fun? A privilege? Something to look forward to? Or will they think it looks like a drag, something to be delayed as long as people?
And how about marriage? What will they think about marriage from watching and listening to me? Will they think it’s something that holds me back? That exasperates me? That erases me? Or will they sense it’s something that delights me, nourishes me, and challenges me to be the best version of myself?
In addition to my children, some of the people I am most aware of having the opportunity to influence are our babysitters. I think about it so much! At a time in their lives when, psychologically, they’re pulling away from their parents and looking more to their peers and social media, how interesting is it that they can come into our home environment – a somewhat neutral space – and (hopefully!) see the beauty and allure of something beyond high school or college life, or the shiny facade of social media. In the smallest of ways, I hope being welcomed into our lives expands their perspective of what matters in the big picture, and maybe gives them something to look forward to when school or their social life feels hard. (Or even when it feels like the opposite – like high school is the MOST FUN they’ll ever have in their life, and everything else will be downhill from there).
Or maybe they’ve literally never had these thoughts once, ha! But I suspect they have, because I remember having them when I was their age. In high school, I had teachers and other mentors who sparked my interest in grown-up life and inspired the direction I wanted to grow, and I am SO grateful for that.
All this as long-winded intro to sharing these “boxes of sunshine” that we sent to our two babysitters who started college this fall. June and I cruised the aisles of Target to select goodies for them; everything fit surprisingly neatly into fig bar boxes from Costco :) A little yellow tissue paper and curly ribbon brought everything together! Here’s what we included in our college care packages:
Scarecrow Crunch trail mix (one gal said this was her favorite item in the box and it really does look delicious)
And a note from me, a letter from June, and a drawing from Shep. Of course, it must be said you could literally put any one of these items and a heartfelt note in a mailer and ship it off to an 18-year-old and it would bring a smile to their face, but we had fun putting these together.
I would love to hear if you ever think about the messages you’re sending to the younger ones around you! If you do, what’s the message you hope you convey?
Well, 40 comments later on my first post about working part-time as a mom and – if nothing else – I think we have answered the question of whether or not this topic is interesting or helpful for anyone :) As always, you are my people: here for a thoughtful discussion, generously sharing your own experiences, and offering up insightful questions.
Today we are going to chat about why we chose me over John to shorten a work week, why we chose shortening a work week over other solutions to our pain points, and a bit about how we handled the financial impact.
Part One: Background on my work history and some reasons (or not) for shortening my work week
A mostly-unrelated photo of my beautiful Catherine loafers on a recent work day at the office!
Why did we choose me over John to shorten a work week?
Per usual, there are some very simple and straightforward reasons, and then there are some squiggly ones :)
First and most pressingly, John’s job adds significantly more to our family’s budget than mine does, so cutting back on his hours would have taken a much larger chunk out of our family budget. He has not always made more than me: for our first year in North Carolina, he was unemployed, and then he made less than me, then we made about the same, then he made more than me, and now he makes way more than me, ha. This discrepancy is almost entirely a reflection of choosing jobs in very different industries at very different companies – though both, thankfully, jobs we love. It does not bother me, and it doesn’t change how we spend our money: for us, all money coming into our family is funneled into the “income” side of a single budget for which we make joint decisions based on our shared goals and dreams.
Second, there is no one in his role at his company that works part-time (that we know of). And he works for a very large company. Is it possible? Anything’s possible, but it would have required far more hurdles to jump and novel permissions to receive to even get to the starting gate – whereas at my job, the organization is far smaller and all kinds of special arrangements and flexibility already exist (including in my own role).
Third, my role lends itself to our reason for shortening a work week. John spends his days meeting with clients, so his schedule is an interesting combination of fairly flexible in advance (he can block off, change, or add available appointment times as needed) and fairly inflexible on short-notice (i.e. we try to avoid having him cancel on clients without ample notice). My work, on the other hand, can generally flex into the evening as needed without inconveniencing anyone. Now, if I need to switch my day off to accommodate a sick child at the last minute, that’s generally not a problem.
Fourth, not only my role but I, myself, am better suited to our reasons for shortening a work week – I am both more skilled and more interested in the type of work we want done: I am a noticer. A recorder of stories and history. A browser of gifts. A decorator of surfaces. A maker of lists.
I am also the social connector in our family. As a duo, John and I live with a tension-filled reality: we are both introverts, and yet we value community. Part of the way I spend my time on my days off is maintaining and deepening connections with friends. It is a joy, but it also takes time and energy: delivering meals to families with new babies. Texting people to check in. Hour-long phone calls. Meeting up for a walk. Choosing a date to have friends over for dinner and then preparing for that meal. Buying and shipping birthday gifts. All of this is both work and fun for me in a way it wouldn’t necessarily be for John. The actual socializing? Sure, in most cases (ha). The planning and much of the relational building? No, not as much.
Finally, though it’s fair to say these things were all reasons to have me cut back, it’s also not complete to end this section without saying I wanted to do this. It sounded like a delight to me. I enjoy my job and believe it brings value to the world, but offer me the chance to have a day where I get to decide how to spend it? Doing things that bring me joy, make me feel productive, and serve my family? All while listening to podcasts along the way? :) What a dream! John, for his part, does not have the same interest.
As the very smallest of tangents, I think it’s valid to recognize that as a girl and then a woman, I was likely encouraged to find value and grow skills in these areas. Some might view that as unfair or wrong, but I do believe it’s helpful to have specialization in a marriage partnership. The specialization doesn’t always have to line up along “traditional” gender lines; to me, it’s also okay when it does.
Why did you choose to drop a work day over other solutions to your pain points?
First, I will say I feel like we already maxed out many possible solutions over the last several years. I dropped a few hours at work. We hired a monthly cleaning crew. I haven’t written here as much. We’ve resisted buying a bigger home. I’ve optimized our grocery shopping. A robot vacuum cleaner zooms around our downstairs every night. We’ve simplified and systemized all kinds of things in our life, from gift buying to budgeting to kid sports to socializing.
The next obvious tier to access is more tech-forward, and predictably, that’s where I balked – for two reasons. First, because technological or outsourcing solutions require their own time and maintenance, and two, because they don’t always lead to the kind of life I value living.
Let’s take the example of grocery shopping. Could we opt to do grocery pick-up? Yes. However, there would still be a need to meal plan, to place the order, to text with the shopper, to receive the groceries when they arrive home. And besides, as strange as it might sound, I enjoy and value the warmth, texture, and even the occasional grit of pushing my cart up and down the aisles. I like smiling at people, and responding to a fellow shopper’s quip about what’s in my cart, and chatting with the check out clerk. I like seeing what other people in my community are buying and what they’re wearing and how they’re acting.
At the risk of extrapolating too far, I believe these tiny interactions have an outsized effect on the knitting together of a community. Yes, they take more time. Yes, they can occasionally be annoying. But joking with my post office clerk and exchanging pleasantries with the crossing guard at June’s school and smiling at the Costco receipt slasher makes me feel connected to my community. It makes me care more about my community. It makes me act differently toward my community.
In today’s world, these are all things that could be hired out or outsourced. And to be sure, we choose the less personal or the tech-forward solution in some cases! All of us here will make different decisions about what is valuable, what is possible, where we want to go analog, and where we choose the fastest, easiest solution. Please don’t feel any judgment if you’ve chosen differently than us in some way (basically all of my friends think I’m nuts for not doing grocery pick-up, ha!). It just took me awhile to put all of the pieces together about why I felt the way I did about certain mundane tasks that brought me into the community (it was really COVID and the loss I felt during shut-downs that brought it home!), and I wanted to share.
What has been the financial impact of one parent working part-time?
Because we were able to make my progression to part-time over several years, the financial shock was greatly lessened. The lessening of my income also coincided with increases in John’s income. And with a few of my reductions in hours, my boss kindly kept my same salary and considered it a raise, for which I am very grateful.
Another factor is childcare. Reducing my hours from 9-3 coincided with June entering public elementary school, and so before Annie began daycare we enjoyed a few months with reduced childcare expenses. She will also be moving in the new year from daycare to Shep’s preschool, which has shorter hours and is less expensive. All of these things have helped to balance the budget through these transitions.
Finally, and humbly, we strive to be in tune with what is “enough” for our family – in both saving and spending. We have had seasons of sprinting (like paying off debt, when splitting a Chipotle burrito was a treat) and we are also grateful to recognize when it would be better for our family to collectively walk at a more leisurely pace. Basically, it is really easy to always want or feel you need more, more, more or need to save more, more, more. Consciously recognizing and resisting that urge in different ways over the years has helped us be able to take this time in this season, and for that I am grateful.
Whew!! LOTS to discuss in this installment, so please, join me in the comments! Thanks to your excellent questions, next time we’ll talk about a few work-focused things: how I negotiated this arrangement, the challenges of working part-time and how I manage them as an employee, how my job has changed over the years to make this possible. As always, please leave your comments below, too!
Part One: Background on my work history and some reasons (or not) for shortening my work week Part Three: My role, negotiation, and how I structure my time at work Part Four: What my days off have actually looked like (so far)
Friends, I feel like I left you hanging! Though I knew it would take me a bit to get part two ready for you (here’s part one – don’t miss the comments, they’re so wonderful!), I didn’t expect it to take quite this long – but alas, the flu struck our house last week and took me down with it. I tested positive on Monday and was completely down for the count as I haven’t been for YEARS for two days, and have been struggling back since then. Please take it from this gal who gets a flu shot every year but just hadn’t found time to make an appointment yet – get yours this weekend!! It’s nasty out there, friends. (June’s class had ELEVEN kids home sick one day this week! Out of 17!!)
So though I haven’t had the upright hours and presence of mind to finish the next part of our conversation on working part-time, I do have a round-up of the past year of Articles Club to share with you today! If you’re newer here, Articles Club is a great love of my life. A dear friend and I started it seven years ago (think: a book club, but with three themed articles, discussed over a potluck dinner each month) and it has been meeting and snowballing in delight ever since. Here is a bit more about how the group has grown closer over time, and here is a bit more about why it’s so special.
I know you are all kindred spirits who also enjoy reading interesting thoughts and having thoughtful discussions, so each year I post several of our monthly article groupings so you can enjoy them yourselves or take them back to your people! I’ve done that below.
In honor of our anniversary and in lieu of articles, this month we each prepared “pro tips” to share around the table a la this Cup of Jo post with a truly epic comment section. What’s a pro tip, you ask? It’s a fuzzy combination of life hack, life motto, insider knowledge, and received wisdom. The ones shared by our group ranged from the mundane and practical to the emotional and hard-won, and I thought it might be fun to share a few of mine to finish out this post:
— Organize your grocery list by the layout of the store. This might save you years over a lifetime of shopping. — Lower your expectations, all the time, in all things (okay, most things). It leaves more room to be delighted. — Reflect, celebrate, and look ahead at the end of each year with someone you love. — If you’re going to take one sip of water, take five. — Use the Oxford comma. Weirdly controversial, but it shouldn’t be. — Everything seems worse at night. Do not try to solve problems at 11pm, just go to bed. Also, walks solve most problems. — A common trade-off is time for money. If you want to be a parent, as far as possible, save the money and spend the time before you have your children so you have the money to use after they arrive and time is more precious. — Chick-fil-a cookies are always handed over warm and are absolute magic. Chocolatey, oaty, chewy, crispy, soft, how do they do it?! Related: if someone you love is having a bad day and needs a cookie, you can send them money in the app to facilitate a purchase.
Of course I would love to hear: what are a few of your pro tips? Silly, serious, prosaic, or inspired, please share below!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ended a post on Em for Marvelous with “well, I’m not sure if this will be helpful for anyone, but here you go…?” …and then it has turned out to be one of my most popular posts. In fact, in a survey a few years ago, a reader specifically called out that exact line, saying, “If you say ‘I’m not sure if this will be helpful,’ I know it’s going to be one of my favorite posts!”
Reader, I am tempted to write that disclaimer on this post, because it feels deeply personal and highly specific to my unique circumstances. However, having written here for some time now, I know there’s a kind of inverse relationship going on, and it tracks with what I learned as a poet: that the more specific detail you can bring to a piece of writing, the more universally it will resonate. The details that seem so idiosyncratic are actually what make writing come alive for others, because in those details they can see the nuance of their own life.
I hope that holds true here. I want to write about working as a mom because it matters deeply to me, and I want to share this conversation with you smart, wonderful ladies, and I also want to capture it in the moment for my children to read one day.
And there’s one more reason: it’s important to me to be truthful about what I share here. That doesn’t mean sharing everything, but it does mean (so far as it’s possible) not misleading you – even unintentionally, even by omission. Many of you know me as a working parent. I would hate for one of you to look at me, having classified me as such, and wonder why you can’t fit all that I do into a week. I hope shedding a little more light into what working looks like for me right now can help with that.
As always – however similar, or not, our situations might be – I hope watching me wade through my decisions empowers you to make your own thoughtfully and confidently.
This is a long post (with more parts to follow!); I thought it might be helpful to break it up with headings. Settle in, friends!
Though not accurate to my day-to-day, it’s still the ultimate photo of me as a working mom :)
Some background on my work history:
I have worked for the same company my entire adult life – 13 years and counting. When I began, I worked a standard 9-5, Monday through Friday. When June was born, in 2016, I reduced my hours to 9-4. I was so grateful to be able to do this – it gave me the space to pick her up from daycare, come home and spend time together, and still get dinner on the table without our days feeling rushed. This schedule worked well for several years.
Annie’s birth and June’s entry into kindergarten lined up neatly, and when I returned from maternity leave in fall 2021, I reduced my hours again (to 9-3) to match June’s school hours. This was a specific goal I had been working toward for basically my entire career: once a child was in elementary school, I wanted my work to fit into their school hours, and to be there for pick-up and drop-off. (John and I share pick-up and drop-off duties, but it was still the goal!) This schedule, too, worked very well.
As you know, as of August 1, I kept my 9-3 hours and shortened my work week for the first time. I now work Monday through Thursday. As of January 1, I’m scheduled to drop one more work day, for a total of three each week. I anticipate that shift being more challenging than the five-to-four shift, but perhaps I’ll be pleasantly surprised.
The reason for shortening my work week:
There are two main reasons and a number of smaller reasons.
First, we now have three children. That’s three people who have scheduled and unscheduled days off from school, who need to go to the doctor and the dentist, and who occasionally get sick and need to come home in the middle of the day. We wanted a parent who was more readily available for all of those things, so that each teacher workday or call from the school didn’t throw us into a resentful panic. Opening up a “free” day in the week goes a long way toward this.
Second, we now have three children :) After Annie was born and as our kids got older (and went to bed later), it became increasingly clear that much of the work I was doing for the household was being squeezed into hours that we (John and I) considered unideal: for example, grocery shopping at 9:30 at night. The addition of a third child and all the logistics that came with her (school paperwork, a wardrobe to maintain, food to prepare… you don’t need me to list it all) seemed to be a tipping point for our life. Things that we used to easily fit into our days, like evening walks and stretching, were getting squeezed out entirely. So together, John and I made the choice to essentially give me daytime “work hours” to do the increasing work of our household I’d already been doing, so we could both have more equal time to relax in the evenings and on weekends.
Some secondary reasons:
Travel logistics are complicated with three young kids, and we travel a good bit (even if just across the state for the weekend). We wanted someone who could manage our exits and entries more smoothly.
I hoped to feel less defensive over what felt like the little time I had to spend as I pleased in the evenings. Hoarding my time, as I think of it, is one of my least favorite tendencies of myself, and something I actively work to improve. But if there were structural things that could change so that John and I were more equally free to enjoy our unscheduled time, that felt like something we should pursue.
Finally – and this, for me, was one of the harder ones to admit – I wanted to be more free to enjoy this unique season of my life. I wanted to meet up with a friend with our strollers and take a morning walk. I wanted to help a friend with a pop-up shop just for fun. I wanted to have more time to share my thoughts and the story of our life through my writing. I wanted to volunteer in our kids’ schools. I wanted to enjoy the fun (for me) work of household management that often felt rushed or got skipped.
Some things that were not reasons for shortening my work week:
As I approached this decision, it was important to me to be equally clear about some things that were NOT reasons for shortening my work week.
First, and most importantly, I was not shortening my working hours to spend more time with my children because I thought they were suffering in my absence. This is admittedly a sore spot for me, because over the years, I have listened to many women resign and give as the reason for doing so that their children needed them. Or that them being home would be better for their children. And while those are valid reasons for resigning, and they surely were not thinking at all about how saying so would affect their teammates, it was hard to hear that and not resent the implied judgment on the working parents who remained on the team. Again: objectively, I know this is not rational (repeat after me: we all have different situations!!), but it’s important here (even if just for myself!) to state this clearly. Our children, praise the Lord, are thriving, and with this switch their school schedules will remain the same.
Second, in this reduction I did not want to add more tasks to my plate. Though I did have a backlog of things to tackle (that I’m still working through!), this change was largely about shifting the timing of tasks (from evenings/weekends to the workweek) versus adding new tasks or responsibilities.
Third, I did not want my children to stop seeing me doing the work of life. This was not about hiding all of the work away during the day so that we could play non-stop once they got home. This was not about making everything look or feel perfect or effortless. Working alongside each other is a great gift of families, and such an important way of passing on skills and values. I’d never want to take that away completely. Accordingly, I’ve prioritized shifting the tasks that are primarily digital or particularly complicated with the ages of our kids in this transition.
Let’s pause there for part one! In part two, I’ll tackle why we chose me over John to shorten a work week, why we chose shortening a work week over other solutions to the pain points we were experiencing, and the financial impact. And then in part three, I’ll give you many examples (I’ve been taking notes!) of what my Fridays have actually looked like.
If you have other questions, I’d love to include them in future segments – feel free to leave them here! I can’t wait to hear your thoughts! :)
Part Two: Why we chose me over my husband, why we chose going part-time over other solutions, and the financial impact Part Three: My role, negotiation, and how I structure my time at work Part Four: What my days off have actually looked like (so far)
