Today’s post is simple, but perhaps it will be for you what it was for me a few years ago: something that only seemed obvious in retrospect.
A few years ago, Annie was a newborn, Shep was in preschool, and June had just started kindergarten. I was fresh into the toting-three-kids-in-the-car phase of parenthood and realizing that I simply couldn’t carry the older two’s things in from the car as I had become accustomed to when I also needed to heft an infant carseat and my own things. And, once we got inside, I often needed to attend to the baby right away – so something that delayed the immediate cries for a snack would be helpful.
So, in the Montessori mindset of “don’t do for a child what she can do for herself,” we instituted what we call after-school jobs. We officially told the kids they were responsible for the following when we got home from school each day:
Collecting your things from the car and bringing them inside
Taking off your shoes and putting them in the shoe basket
Emptying your backpack, plugging in your school laptop, and putting your backpack in the closet
Putting any papers in the art basket or on the table for parents to see
Removing anything from your lunchbox (bento box, thermos, etc.), putting the dirty stuff in the sink, and putting your lunchbox in the pantry
Going to the bathroom (if needed!)
Washing your hands
When each step is complete, they can have a snack. For us, moving the snack to the final step in the process is a very simple and effective mechanism to make sure the jobs get completed with minimal reminders or whining. The expectation is clear. Rest assured, there is still at times both whining and reminders, but it is much easier for me to say, “did you do your jobs?” than to nag them repeatedly on individual items. Any sense of grievance seems to shift to the house policy rather than land on me as the enforcing individual, if that makes sense.
We don’t use cards or a chart to illustrate the steps; it’s really not that much and we just reminded them of the steps when we were getting started as needed.
Even Annie, at two, is a participant in certain steps. In fact, she’s often better than the older kids at immediately removing her shoes and putting them in the basket :) A great reminder that our kids are often more capable than we realize, and to continually be upgrading our expectations of them!
If you, too, find yourself with your hands full (physically or metaphorically), I hope this is a helpful glimpse into one family’s after-school routine! As always, let me know if you have any questions.
P.S. I would not consider these steps chores, per se, and in our family, they’re not connected to allowance. Allowance, is, in fact, a very new phenomenon in our household – we’re starting this week! – though an allowance, and all its pros and cons, has been on my mind for a while. (This is a perfect example of how I am prone to think perhaps a smidge too deeply about things.) June has been asking for one for months, so we’re making a first attempt. I will report back in a few weeks with how things have gone, if there’s interest, but in the meantime, I’d love to hear how allowance looks at your house, if you’d like to share!
Several times a month I am tickled to receive a thoughtful query from an Em for Marvelous reader. I have a somewhat disappointing response rate – which makes me sad every time I think about it – but when life does allow, I love to respond, because figuring out life together is one of my very favorite things.
I recently had a conversation over email about moving away from family that begged to be shared with the group, and Leslie was gracious to agree. Listen in, and I look forward to hearing what you think in the comments!
Leslie wrote:
My name is Leslie, and I’ve read your blog for a few years now. It’s always a delight to read your thoughtful posts with the many questions/issues/topics that are relevant to me and my family (i.e. the practical handlings of two working parents… #preach). I am sure it takes a considerable amount of time, but for myself, it is truly much enjoyed and much appreciated!
I currently live in Texas with my husband and two boys (4 and 2). We are both in the medical field and are looking at a move in the next two years for further training purposes. One location we have thrown into the hat of possibilities is – you guessed it – North Carolina.
From what I’ve gathered, you and your husband moved away from both of your families to NC. Our move would involve a similar situation, as my entire family and my husband’s parents also live in our current city (though neither of us were born/raised here).
My question for you is simply – was it worth it? I hope that doesn’t sound rude or intrusive, we are just very seriously weighing our possibilities, and NC has come up as a pretty ideal spot location-wise for us to consider – the biggest “negative” being that our families are here. My husband’s parents may consider following us, but we would be moving away from my entire family and I’m just wondering if you have any thoughts on the ramifications of moving away from parents in particular.
Obviously no two situations are identical and each family has their own unique situations to consider, but I guess I just would love to know if the positives of your move have, in your opinion, outweighed the negative, and what the thought process may have been for y’all to consider the move and all it entailed.
Here was my initial response:
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful email, and for your insightful question. Clearly a woman after my own heart!
First, I wanted to make sure you’ve seen this post from the archives where I talk about the choice to move away from family. And also, this one where I talk about the benefits of establishing our household away from family and some of the complications of having family nearby. (And also, separate from the family question, this post with a few things I love about North Carolina.)
I do think one significant difference between your situation and ours is that we moved away several years before having children. In that way, you have the benefit of knowing what life with kids and with family nearby looks like right now – something which we did not. So you have a lot of good data to use in your decision. In your shoes, I’d be asking myself questions like:
— How often do we see our family right now? — Do we have, or do we hope to have, regular traditions together that add to our life, like Sunday family dinners? — Do we enjoy spending time with our family? Do they mesh with our immediate family culture and support our parenting decisions? Or do we love them, but find spending a lot of time with them stressful? — How much practical help does family currently provide? (i.e. Do they provide childcare? Watch the kids for date nights? Help with pick ups or drop offs?) Were we to move, would we be financially or practically able to fill in these responsibilities, or would it cause a lot of stress? — What is our financial and practical ability for our parents to travel to see us and us to travel to see our parents? Now and in the future, as kids and parents age? — And then there are the really big questions: What is our vision for our life/kids/family culture, and how does extended family fit into that? What might our parents’ aging process look like and how might proximity play into that? Are we okay with seeing our parents much less often than we might if we were to live nearby? This post, which I link to in one of the posts above, is not an answer, but certainly provides some food for thought.
Since you asked: yes, for us moving away from family was worth it. We love the life we have built here and think it was a good choice for our family. That doesn’t mean it’s sometimes hard, or that there aren’t more questions to consider in the future, but we feel peaceful and grateful with how things have played out so far.
I hope this helps, or at least gives you some things to think about :) Thank you again for reading and for your thoughtful question!
And then Leslie replied:
Thank you for the thoughtful reply! I had not yet read those posts from your archives. Food for thought, indeed.
I appreciate the questions you posed as things you might consider. In the back of my mind, I have contemplated similar questions, I think, and it’s helpful to actually bring them to the forefront. Having never lived close to any extended family growing up, it’s honestly difficult to know what living close to family long-term might be like, but that’s important to consider. And that Tail End article…could send you into a YOLO frenzy on just the right day.
Obviously kids do not always end up in the same location as their parents, but another thing I’m contemplating centers around the idea that wherever my kids spend a good portion of their growing-up years, is more or less going to feel like home to them. And, in general, kids are probably more likely to go to college in-state, which typically ends up being where they find first jobs, spouses, and settle down themselves. Although that’s far in the future, contemplating our decision in light of what impact it might have on our kids’ lives long-term is definitely thought-provoking.
Anyway, I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond to my email. I hope you enjoy the rest of your summer and please enjoy a bite of biscuit next time for me.
Leslie was politely wrappings things up but I couldn’t help but respond:
Leslie! Have you been reading my mail?! John and I were JUST having a conversation about this last week! We were at our daughter’s swim meet, and the opposing team was honoring their seniors… all of whom were going to schools in the Triangle. This is extremely common here, and truly something that delights me. Between NC State, UNC, Duke, Elon, App State, Wake Forest, and then schools like UNC Charlotte, UNC Wilmington, Davidson, etc. moving a little farther out – there’s something for everyone and it very much seems like the culture here is to stay close for college.
This is SO different from where I grow up in New England, and specifically Connecticut, where the state schools are not particularly prestigious or plentiful and most of the students who can either go elsewhere in New England or even farther afield. Selfishly, I love the idea that our children have a very good chance of staying somewhat local for college, because you’re absolutely right – it makes it more likely that they’ll settle nearby long-term, too. Because despite not living near my parents, I very much want to live near my children :)
Now, readers, I turn it over to you! What would you add? Have you moved away from family? Have you moved closer to family? Have you always lived near family? If you have children, do you think about where they might settle? I would truly love to hear from you, and I’m sure Leslie would, too :)
P.S. This is a different style of post! Would love to hear if you liked it!
Yesterday was the official first day of summer! It’s been rainy and unseasonably cold here this week, but I’m not letting that dampen my seasonal enthusiasm. I thought it could be fun to share a few items on our summer fun list today (the last time I did this was in 2017!), as well as a few thoughts on how we’re handling summer break with our rising second grader (and two preschoolers!). First up, the summer bucket list.
Summer Fun List
— Go on at least one thrifting excursion — Make popsicles — Eat breakfast in the backyard — Take neighborhood walks after dinner — Enjoy a nostalgic date night while in Connecticut — Splash at Fews Ford — Play tennis once a week (ambitious!) — Have pizza at the pool — Have pizza at Dix Park — Take the kids to the new splash pad at Pleasant Park — Make our favorite peach-blackberry cobbler — Road trip to the Betty Confetti craft club with June (join us!) — Go to a Bulls game with the tickets the kids earn from their summer reading program — Jump off the wharf at the Island (if it’s warm enough! Right now the forecast looks chilly!) — Take our paddle boards somewhere new — Use our Museum membership with friends — Enjoy a stopover in DC on our road trip home from New England
Last year, I shared some thoughts at the end of the summer on how we handled June’s first summer break as two working parents. It was a popular post, so I’m planning to write this year’s version in a few months, but in the meantime, I thought I’d give a brief overview of what we have planned.
This year, as I suspected, we were able to back off formal programming a bit – she’s a year older, we have last year’s summer experience under our collective belt, and my work hours are reduced. It’s worked out that about every other week she has a camp or activity or family travel, alternating with weeks spent at home. These weeks at home are meant to be relaxed time to be a kid – to roam outside, to read, to play with neighborhood friends, to be bored and use her imagination – and, on my days off, to have fun together.
Over the last few weeks I did squirrel away a few inexpensive activities to “seed” her time at home; I’m planning to dole one out each week. Think: a pack of modeling clay, a paint-by-number kit (I got two – this one and this one – so we can do them together), a giant coloring poster, the BDP watercolor class, the drawing passport book, and a math workbook that actually sounds really fun and that I know she’ll love.
Two weeks in, things are going more smoothly than I had hoped. Here’s to two more months of sweet summer! I would, of course, love to hear a few items that are on your summer fun list :)
On the cusp of summer travel season, I thought we could talk a bit about packing! Specifically, I wanted to share our family’s Google Docs packing list. As a family of five who travels relatively frequently and wants it to be as simple as possible – as we pack, at our destination, and when we arrive back home – implementing a master packing list a few years ago was a game-changer.
In today’s post, I’m going to share a version of our family packing list you can make your own, as well as a bit more about why we love it and how we use it. And then at the end, we’re going to have a travel lightning round in the comments :)
Reasons why we love our Google Docs family packing list:
1. We can quickly and easily make a packing list for every destination. Our master packing list includes everything our family might reasonably need for most trips. When we’re ready to pack for a specific trip, we simply copy and paste the list into a new Doc, delete anything we won’t need on that particular trip (for example, winter hats in the summer), and add any specific items we will need (for example, a Fourth of July outfit). In just a few minutes, we have a custom packing list that ensures we won’t forget anything we need while we’re away. No reinventing the wheel with every trip!
2. We can share it. It’s easy for two (or more!) people to share Google Docs, so John and I can easily add things to the packing list in the days leading up to the trip and reference it as we pack alongside each other the night before we leave. Packing is a joint affair in our family, so it’s nice to have a system we can both access easily.
3. We can reference it on our computers and phones. Again, this is helpful both in the run-up to the trip as well as while we’re packing. Though I prefer to reference the list on my laptop while I’m actively gathering items, I like being able to add something from my phone if I think of it while out running errands.
Of course, it should be said that there are other options with similar functionality to Google Docs – the iPhone Notes app is one that springs to mind. Use whatever you’re comfortable with, but if you don’t already have a favorite, GDocs works great for us!
4. Our list includes pre-trip tasks around the house, too. In addition to sections for each family member, toiletry sections, and supply sections, our master list includes reminders of things we need to do before leaving the house for a few days: things like cleaning the litter box, stopping the mail, and turning off our vacuum. Again, it’s so nice to not start from scratch every time we travel – and our packing list is the perfect place to keep these reminders, since we’re checking them off at the same time as we pack!
How to use our Google Docs family packing list:
1. Download the master packing list. You can open our master family packing list right here. Once open, copy and paste it into a new Google Doc and retitle it. I recommend something along the lines of “Master Packing List” :)
2. Tweak it once for your family. Spend a few minutes combing through our list and edit it to fit your family. Do you have two kids? Three kids? Four kids? Make a section for each of them. Adjust the toiletries and supplies to fit your needs. Keep it as general as you’d like or make it as specific as is helpful – whatever you need to do to make it your own!
Tip: As you’ll see in the doc, each family member has a color (and there’s a color for the household, too). This makes it easy to keep track of what’s left at a glance.
3. Tweak it for each destination. Once your master list is set, you’ll simply copy it, paste it into a new Doc, and tweak it for each trip: deleting items you don’t need, adding unique items you do need, and adjusting the details as needed.
4. Delete as you go. As I’m gathering items from the closet and around the house, I delete each item as I add it to the to-be-packed pile. I never print the list out, but you certainly could!
5. Update the master packing list as your family grows. Because the master list is specific, you will need to update it as your family grows to keep it relevant. For example, on our list, “Shep diapers” changed to “Shep pull-ups” changed to “Annie diapers” over the years.
Ready for a travel lightning round? Please answer in the comments, if you’d like:
1. Unpack right away or let it linger? 2. Packing cubes: love them/hate them/no opinion? 3. Favorite road trip snack? 4. Travel you’re looking forward to this summer?
