I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ended a post on Em for Marvelous with “well, I’m not sure if this will be helpful for anyone, but here you go…?” …and then it has turned out to be one of my most popular posts. In fact, in a survey a few years ago, a reader specifically called out that exact line, saying, “If you say ‘I’m not sure if this will be helpful,’ I know it’s going to be one of my favorite posts!”
Reader, I am tempted to write that disclaimer on this post, because it feels deeply personal and highly specific to my unique circumstances. However, having written here for some time now, I know there’s a kind of inverse relationship going on, and it tracks with what I learned as a poet: that the more specific detail you can bring to a piece of writing, the more universally it will resonate. The details that seem so idiosyncratic are actually what make writing come alive for others, because in those details they can see the nuance of their own life.
I hope that holds true here. I want to write about working as a mom because it matters deeply to me, and I want to share this conversation with you smart, wonderful ladies, and I also want to capture it in the moment for my children to read one day.
And there’s one more reason: it’s important to me to be truthful about what I share here. That doesn’t mean sharing everything, but it does mean (so far as it’s possible) not misleading you – even unintentionally, even by omission. Many of you know me as a working parent. I would hate for one of you to look at me, having classified me as such, and wonder why you can’t fit all that I do into a week. I hope shedding a little more light into what working looks like for me right now can help with that.
As always – however similar, or not, our situations might be – I hope watching me wade through my decisions empowers you to make your own thoughtfully and confidently.
This is a long post (with more parts to follow!); I thought it might be helpful to break it up with headings. Settle in, friends!
Though not accurate to my day-to-day, it’s still the ultimate photo of me as a working mom :)
Some background on my work history:
I have worked for the same company my entire adult life – 13 years and counting. When I began, I worked a standard 9-5, Monday through Friday. When June was born, in 2016, I reduced my hours to 9-4. I was so grateful to be able to do this – it gave me the space to pick her up from daycare, come home and spend time together, and still get dinner on the table without our days feeling rushed. This schedule worked well for several years.
Annie’s birth and June’s entry into kindergarten lined up neatly, and when I returned from maternity leave in fall 2021, I reduced my hours again (to 9-3) to match June’s school hours. This was a specific goal I had been working toward for basically my entire career: once a child was in elementary school, I wanted my work to fit into their school hours, and to be there for pick-up and drop-off. (John and I share pick-up and drop-off duties, but it was still the goal!) This schedule, too, worked very well.
As you know, as of August 1, I kept my 9-3 hours and shortened my work week for the first time. I now work Monday through Thursday. As of January 1, I’m scheduled to drop one more work day, for a total of three each week. I anticipate that shift being more challenging than the five-to-four shift, but perhaps I’ll be pleasantly surprised.
The reason for shortening my work week:
There are two main reasons and a number of smaller reasons.
First, we now have three children. That’s three people who have scheduled and unscheduled days off from school, who need to go to the doctor and the dentist, and who occasionally get sick and need to come home in the middle of the day. We wanted a parent who was more readily available for all of those things, so that each teacher workday or call from the school didn’t throw us into a resentful panic. Opening up a “free” day in the week goes a long way toward this.
Second, we now have three children :) After Annie was born and as our kids got older (and went to bed later), it became increasingly clear that much of the work I was doing for the household was being squeezed into hours that we (John and I) considered unideal: for example, grocery shopping at 9:30 at night. The addition of a third child and all the logistics that came with her (school paperwork, a wardrobe to maintain, food to prepare… you don’t need me to list it all) seemed to be a tipping point for our life. Things that we used to easily fit into our days, like evening walks and stretching, were getting squeezed out entirely. So together, John and I made the choice to essentially give me daytime “work hours” to do the increasing work of our household I’d already been doing, so we could both have more equal time to relax in the evenings and on weekends.
Some secondary reasons:
Travel logistics are complicated with three young kids, and we travel a good bit (even if just across the state for the weekend). We wanted someone who could manage our exits and entries more smoothly.
I hoped to feel less defensive over what felt like the little time I had to spend as I pleased in the evenings. Hoarding my time, as I think of it, is one of my least favorite tendencies of myself, and something I actively work to improve. But if there were structural things that could change so that John and I were more equally free to enjoy our unscheduled time, that felt like something we should pursue.
Finally – and this, for me, was one of the harder ones to admit – I wanted to be more free to enjoy this unique season of my life. I wanted to meet up with a friend with our strollers and take a morning walk. I wanted to help a friend with a pop-up shop just for fun. I wanted to have more time to share my thoughts and the story of our life through my writing. I wanted to volunteer in our kids’ schools. I wanted to enjoy the fun (for me) work of household management that often felt rushed or got skipped.
Some things that were not reasons for shortening my work week:
As I approached this decision, it was important to me to be equally clear about some things that were NOT reasons for shortening my work week.
First, and most importantly, I was not shortening my working hours to spend more time with my children because I thought they were suffering in my absence. This is admittedly a sore spot for me, because over the years, I have listened to many women resign and give as the reason for doing so that their children needed them. Or that them being home would be better for their children. And while those are valid reasons for resigning, and they surely were not thinking at all about how saying so would affect their teammates, it was hard to hear that and not resent the implied judgment on the working parents who remained on the team. Again: objectively, I know this is not rational (repeat after me: we all have different situations!!), but it’s important here (even if just for myself!) to state this clearly. Our children, praise the Lord, are thriving, and with this switch their school schedules will remain the same.
Second, in this reduction I did not want to add more tasks to my plate. Though I did have a backlog of things to tackle (that I’m still working through!), this change was largely about shifting the timing of tasks (from evenings/weekends to the workweek) versus adding new tasks or responsibilities.
Third, I did not want my children to stop seeing me doing the work of life. This was not about hiding all of the work away during the day so that we could play non-stop once they got home. This was not about making everything look or feel perfect or effortless. Working alongside each other is a great gift of families, and such an important way of passing on skills and values. I’d never want to take that away completely. Accordingly, I’ve prioritized shifting the tasks that are primarily digital or particularly complicated with the ages of our kids in this transition.
Let’s pause there for part one! In part two, I’ll tackle why we chose me over John to shorten a work week, why we chose shortening a work week over other solutions to the pain points we were experiencing, and the financial impact. And then in part three, I’ll give you many examples (I’ve been taking notes!) of what my Fridays have actually looked like.
If you have other questions, I’d love to include them in future segments – feel free to leave them here! I can’t wait to hear your thoughts! :)
Part Two: Why we chose me over my husband, why we chose going part-time over other solutions, and the financial impact Part Three: My role, negotiation, and how I structure my time at work Part Four: What my days off have actually looked like (so far)
It was so, so, so good to be back at the Island this summer. It always is, but after missing a visit in 2021 (my first ever, due to Annie’s summer birthday), our time up north was even sweeter than usual. Just like a childhood best friend, we picked up right where we left off. Even better? We followed our week in Maine with a week in Connecticut, staying with John’s parents!
Readers who have been around for awhile know that the pattern of these visits doesn’t change much from year to year — we take lots of walks, play lots of games, read lots of books, spend time with some of our favorite people — but the beauty and goodness of our surroundings is fresh every year. Here are a few snaps from this trip, if you’d like to see!
That first lungful of salty breeze and that first morning wake up on-island… nothing like it.
One of my favorite moments of the trip came early on: I delivered my Sundayservice the day after we arrived. A little background: each week during the summer season, a volunteer Islander leads the Sunday evening service. Though rooted in Christianity and still with many of the trappings of the faith (church bell, hymnals, etc.), each leader chooses the content of their service, and right now, most choose a secular message. While I love every iteration of these services (they are one of my favorite parts of Island life!) I knew I wanted to deliver a Gospel message that served as the aroma of Christ to those I got to address, and I spent much time preparing my service in the month leading up to our trip.
Surprising absolutely no one who reads this blog, my message was about the power of narratives – which ones we believe, why they matter, how they shape our lives. It seemed like it was well received by Christians and non-Christians alike, for which I am very grateful. This was the third service I’ve led here, and I hope it will not be my last.
Above: the flowers I picked from a neighbor’s garden, the arrangement I made for the service, the sweet yellow meeting house (used for church and other community events!), and the birthday boy blowing out his candles after church. Love him so!
The older kids had (very informal) tennis lessons a few afternoons, and since the courts are a short walk up the hill from one of our cottages, Kim busted out some margaritas for the spectators. I can assure you our island is decidedly on the non-bougie end of the Maine fanciness scale, but we enjoyed playing the part for a day :)
What we lack in status we certainly make up for in natural beauty. For a two-mile-long island, she has more than her fair share of beautiful corners. It’s no wonder June declared “playing in the woods with cousins at the Island” one of her favorite memories from the summer at our back-to-school dinner, though it still made my heart swell to hear it.
One more highlight: every few years we take the kids to the Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens. It is an absolute gem, always, but this year, they had the coolest exhibit of gigantic wooden troll sculptures. Just stunning and so fun for the kids to interact with. Highly recommend a visit if you’re ever in the midcoast Maine area!
One of the most poignant parts of our visit was being with my grandmother. She is 95 years old, and though vital in many ways, has also had some health setbacks in the last few years. Watching her get to be in a beloved place with the people she loves was so wonderful. Watching the tender care and attention (mostly on the part of my parents and aunts) to facilitate her being there was also wonderful, and sobering and thought-provoking. It made me want to reread this stunning and loving book (which, if you have not already read it, please drop everything and do so right now).
I’ll end with this. One of my favorite newer experiences on the Island is taking the kids down to a particular rocky point to watch the sunset. We’ve done this a few nights each visit for the last few years. The changing colors over the water, the moon rising, the adults perching on the rocks warmed by a day of sun while the kids throw pebbles into the water… it is magic. It’s also not something I grew up doing, and I like knowing there are still new ways to enjoy our special place waiting to be revealed. We are lucky, indeed.
Then it was on to Connecticut! I have far fewer photos from our second week in New England, because John and I both worked remotely for most of the week while his parents pal-ed around with our kids. While we worked, they went in the pool multiple times a day; rode bikes and scooted on their long, shaded driveway; took walks; read books; and played a lot of Wii Sports, ha. And like an absolute angel, John’s Mom had breakfast, lunch, and dinner in front of us each time we emerged. It was more than we deserved!
A few highlights:
A date night at Shipwright’s Daughter, a new-to-us restaurant in downtown Mystic. Aside from the novelty of being able to have grandparents babysit (something we very rarely get to enjoy, living far from our families), we agreed that there was something particularly magical about having this new experience (new restaurant, going on a date as grown-ups with three small children) layered over so many other memories in this place. We went on many Mystic dates in high school and college, it’s where I had my first job, we’ve celebrated bachelor and bachelorettes here with friends. As in Maine, what a gift to still have the old things and to get to make them new. And the restaurant was amazing, if you ever find yourself in the area!
Breakfast at Sift Bake Shop. Speaking of new(er) things: Sift may not have been around when we lived in Connecticut, but it has become an absolute must for every return trip. Chocolate walnut sea salt cookies and everything bagel croissants as big as your face, the lardon and caramelized onion quiche, absolutely exquisite cakes and entremets that are now a staple at our holiday dinners… do not miss it!
A visit to the farm. This is the 400-year-old farm my Dad grew up on, and where I spent much time as a child. It looms large in my family story and my own psyche, and every chance I get to share it with my children feels very precious.
Thank you, as always, for indulging these memories, friends! Grateful to share them!
Happy August, friends! It’s a big month around here – as of today, I am transitioning to working four days a week. This might seem like small news, but to me, it looms large. I’m very much looking forward to this change, and yet I’ve also felt conflicted – not necessarily about doing it, but about sharing it. If it would be of interest, I’m willing to attempt to untangle my many thoughts in a future post, as I think conversations around women and moms and household responsibilities and “work/life balance” (ick) are often shout-y, shallow, and all-or-nothing. This would decidedly not be that, but it’s still a delicate topic. Let me know what you think.
On that note, the main driver of this shift is to give more weight in my work/life balance to our home and family’s management, but I do expect it will give me a bit more time to write here, and for that I’m very grateful, as this blog and community are a joy of my life. (Still no plans to make it a job, though, ha.) Thank you, as always, for being here! xo
On my calendar this month: — A week in Maine and a week in Connecticut! Two of our favorite places with some of our favorite people. We feel very lucky. — The first day of school!
What I’m loving right now: — S’mores game changer: use original Fudge Stripes cookies in place of both graham crackers and chocolate bars. You’d think the ratio wouldn’t be quite right but it is perfection. Heartfelt thank yous to the Michigan cousins for making our introduction! — We listened to several episodes of the Along for the Ride podcast on our recent road trips, and they were delightful! Each episode has games, stories, and conversation starters, and though they’re geared towards kids, we all enjoyed listening and playing along.
As a reminder, you can find alllll the things I’ve loved over the last few years neatly organized right here!
What I read in July: — The Prophet’s Wife | I picked up this fictional novel about the wife of the founder of the LDS church in a bookshop in Michigan on a whim. The writing and interweaving of time periods felt a little clunky to me, but what bothered me most was the seeming liberties taken with the interior thoughts of the main character: her feelings towards her husband, her faith, and the church he founded (all largely negative, in her imagining). Though the author takes pains to note this is a novel, not a biography, the plot follows the historical record so closely that I guess it seems a little cheap to impose such strong feelings onto a historical figure without evidence for them. Also, I had flashbacks to reading The Paris Wife with this one: you know you’re headed to an unfortunate ending, and so a sense of minor dread hangs over the whole novel. Not my favorite.
Revisiting my July goals: Write the service I’m giving at the Island in August (Yes! This soaked up much of my extra time last month, as evidenced by my lack of activity here. But I think it was well worth it to show up for one of my most special in-person communities.) Edit June in June, Volume 7 Use Cultivate’s Leap Ahead Day to plan our Bermuda “marriage summit” …and strategize and plan ahead for family meeting topics(More to come here, but got started!) Write out a personal reading plan for the rest of our current sermon series Complete June’s baby book Make kitchen decisions and order things (I am not checking this off, but I did get organized to make decisions… I basically gathered everything I need to make the decisions and laid it all out very neatly so that Callie can come over and we can knock them out in an hour or two. That date is on the calendar!)
August goals: — Enjoy our time in Maine and Connecticut — Edit June in June Volume 7 — Plan and enjoy our back-to-school dinner — Make kitchen decisions and order things — Make powder room decisions and order things (light, mirror, hand towel!) — Complete June’s baby book — Adjust to my four-day work week rhythm
As a reminder, many of these are drawn from my 2022 goals!
I hope the second half of summer is treating you well, friends! If you’ve had any fun adventures lately, I’d love to hear about them in the comments! :)
There is one detail about our family life that tells you pretty much everything you need to know about John as a father and, really, as a person, and here it is: when our kids cry out in the middle of the night, they call for Daddy.
I know this is unusual, because every time it comes up in conversation the other person is staggered. Moms are simply the default middle-of-the-night parent, it seems. And this makes sense, to a certain extent: if you’re breastfeeding, you are the one that’s needed in the middle of the night. And then, as with many other patterns, it simply… continues.
That’s not what happened in our family. It turns out I am a very deep sleeper, and so when June was born, I would sometimes sleep through her baby cries (even though she was in the same room as us). John, though, would hear her. He would go to her in her bassinet, change her diaper by the dim light of the cracked bathroom door, re-swaddle her, and then deliver her to me to nurse. Every night, often multiple times a night, without fail.
Maybe it’s that imprint of him coming to each tiny baby’s aid from their earliest days, or maybe it’s the relentless gentleness, attention, and care he’s paid them every day since. For whatever reason, when it’s dark and our children are scared, or cry themselves awake from coughing, or vomit into their favorite stuffies and blankets, or bolt upright in bed, suddenly desperate for a sip of water, Daddy is the one they call for. They know he will always come, and they know he will always take care of them. He’ll turn on the nightlight, he’ll bring them water, he’ll change the sheets and pajamas and find new stuffies and tuck them back in. All, many times, without Mama even knowing anything is happening.
One day, our children will realize how extraordinary their father is, and how lucky they are to have him: a Daddy who loves deeply, and sacrifices deeply – a Daddy who loves them so deeply he’d never call it a sacrifice. But I know this now, and this weekend I’ll honor him and all of the other extraordinary dads loving and sacrificing quietly, gently, day in and day out. Happy Father’s Day. xo
