Though I wouldn’t say I hold particularly tightly to plans, I am also most definitely a planner.
For moments and events I know might have resonance for our family, I feel much more prepared if I start musing on them far in advance (this could mean days or weeks or months – the time horizon is relative to the importance!). This gives me time to work through my own thoughts and needs, and it also gives me time to think through the emotional needs of the people around me, research or crowdsource how others have marked the occasion, and brainstorm how we might be able to make the moment special or edifying or something that adds to the story of our family. In the end, whether or not everything goes off without a hitch, I can rest assured that I’ve put forward my best effort. And when the unexpected does happen, I find I’m better able to roll with it :)
So obviously, each time we’ve added a new baby to our family, I’ve given a lot of thought to how we might manage the variables within our control, and make such an important moment a joyful and seamless one. As we prepare for baby number three’s arrival, here are a few things that worked for us last time, and a few things we’re trying this time!
1. Choose a few books to read together. Books are a classic, low-key way to introduce new ideas and open conversation with kids. June’s absolute favorite is this one, by the inimitable Sally Lloyd-Jones, and she also liked I’m a Big Sister and Maple. At two and a half, they gave her words for what was ahead and got her excited about, well, being a big sister :) I’m thinking we’ll snag this brother version for Shep in the next few days.
2. Let them help choose a few items. June loved weighing in on baby sister’s muslin blanket (probably because she loves hers so much!) and giving her opinion on the curtain fabric. To keep things simple and pleasing for everyone involved (ha), I like to take screenshots of 3-4 choices to narrow down the options before consulting her. I think this helps her feel she has a role in the transition, and that preparing for baby sister is a family project.
3. Exchange gifts. This is not an original tip – I heard it from many seasoned parents when we were expecting Shep – but it has proved to be a memorable one. In the run-up to Shep’s birth, June and I went shopping for a stuffed animal for him, then wrapped it together. She got to bring it to the hospital and help him unwrap it when she visited for the first time, and was delighted when we presented her with a gift (also a stuffed animal) “from him” in return.
This exchange still comes up regularly in conversation, and we’re planning to recreate it for baby number three. Looking forward to a stuffie shopping date with my buddies in the next few weeks! (In case you’re curious, baby sister will be giving June a replacement camera, since hers broke a few months ago, and Shep a recycling truck. She’s already got a bead on them.)
4. Have your arms ready. Unfortunately, the kids will not be able to visit us in the hospital this time around, but when June visited after Shep’s birth, we made a point to have him snuggled in the bassinet so that she could climb up on the bed with me and I could give her a big hug right away (after being greeted in the lobby by Daddy). We chatted about what she had been up to in the last 24 hours, and only then did John hand Shep into the bed so that we could look at him together. The sequence is subtle, but I think it helped ward off an immediate visual of being “replaced” and the feeling of being unsure where she fit in.
5. Give them something to look forward to. Since the older kids won’t be able to visit us in the hospital (my parents will be staying with them), I’m planning to prep a few things to add some delight to our time apart. For day one (delivery day!), I’ll buy a little cake in advance and leave out candles so they can celebrate her birthday that night. For day two, I’m thinking my parents will reveal a bath bomb (always a hit). And for day three, a new box of sidewalk chalk. No need to go overboard – kids delight in the smallest things! – but I think this will help them feel remembered and connected to us when we’re apart.
6. Let them in on the secret.As you know, my parents have been and will be staying with us right up to and through baby sister’s birth. This is wonderful and needed, and though the kids loooooove having their grandparents around, it’s also a change from their normal – and that can be a lot in a season of transition. I wanted to plan one final moment of bonding for our immediate family of four before baby sister’s arrival, and landed on a picnic the night before delivery day. We’ll go to a favorite playground, bring one of their favorite takeout meals, and…. we’ll tell them baby sister’s name.
That’s right, they do not know her name (they would FOR SURE let the cat out of the bag if we told them further in advance than this!). June, especially, has been asking me more frequently what it is, and I think it will make them feel very important and special to know the secret before anyone else.
So there you have it – what we have planned for the next few weeks to make the addition of a new sibling more seamless and joyful! If you’re anticipating welcoming a new baby to your family, I hope you might find a few ideas to try. And, if you’ve already added a sibling to your family, I’d love to hear in the comments what worked for you!
Buckle up, friends, this third trimester update just got a LOT more interesting in the past week…
22 weeks!
First trimester highlights (and lowlights): The biggest difference between this first trimester and past ones is that I just felt a lot more tired – sometimes taking multiple naps a day (!). It seems easy to blame that on wrangling two kids as opposed to one or zero, but since they’re at preschool during the day, I’m not sure that’s the reason.
Otherwise, a very strange side effect I experienced was my mouth tasting bad ALL the time. It was the worst, and I was basically in a constant loop of snacking to keep nausea at bay, followed by brushing my teeth to keep my mouth feeling okay. Needless to say, I had VERY clean teeth in the first trimester :) I thought this was just a weird quirk that I might have been imagining, but apparently it’s a real pregnancy thing! (Lisa experienced it, too!)
Sadly, John was not able to attend the 8-week ultrasound because of COVID policy, but because of this I was able to take a little video clip on my phone, which I probably wouldn’t have done otherwise. It’s sweet to have that signature whoosh-whoosh-whoosh captured for posterity!
As with Shep’s pregnancy, I felt increasing anxiousness leading up to each appointment in this trimester. I worried before the 14-week appointment because there were no external signs pregnancy was progressing, and I worried before the 19-week anatomy scan about what would be revealed. I was alone for this scan, too (my practice changed their policy on partners two weeks later, argh!), but praise the Lord, everything looked good, and everyone began feeling kicks shortly thereafter – the sweetest!
Around 22 weeks my weight gain seemed to pick up speed, and sure enough, I am pacing a bit ahead of my last two pregnancies.
Third trimester highlights (and lowlights): So far, at 33 weeks, I’ve dealt with some heartburn, some hip discomfort in the early mornings, and plenty of Braxton-Hicks contractions. Things like bending over to switch the laundry or bathe the kids are also increasingly uncomfortable. Otherwise, no complaints!
One thing that’s been fun – putting together a little registry on Babylist. I used the Amazon universal registry for the other two kiddos, but I have to say I prefer Babylist’s format! I don’t really expect to receive many gifts from it (and there’s not much we need!), but it’s been handy to keep our ideas for purchases in one spot.
Finally, a HUGE highlight of this trimester was taking and then receiving our maternity family photos from Ally & Bobby!!! What a gift! Little sneak peek below – more to come soon! :)
Maternity clothing favorites: Since my usual source of pregnancy clothes is actively using them (the nerve!) I’ve had to get creative this time around. Thankfully, a friend who worked at Kindred Bravely swooped in and saved the day, gifting me a pair of over-the-bump leggings, over-the-bump bike shorts, and two bathing suits early on. I didn’t have a pair of over-the-bump leggings with either of my other pregnancies and I’m honestly not sure how I managed that?! I probably wore those leggings 5/7 days a week… or more… until the weather got too hot. They made it so much more possible to stretch non-maternity tops further into pregnancy (working from home helped, too!).
As the weather has gotten warmer, I’ve transitioned to rotating the bike shorts, my favorite jean shorts, and swing dresses like this. I have also reached for plenty of John’s softest tees in the evenings or when going on walks.
Given these questionable wardrobe choices, my very, very favorite purchase has been a pair of maternity Lake Pajamas I snagged on Black Friday last year. At the time, it felt overly-indulgent to buy something so expensive that I would wear for such a brief season, but it has been SUCH a joy to slip into something comfy and well-fitting after days of outfits that are just barely holding it together. Highly recommended.
Current preoccupying thoughts: A week and two days ago, John ruptured his Achilles’ tendon playing tennis. He had surgery to repair it on Friday, which thankfully went well, but has four more completely non-weight-bearing weeks ahead, then at least a month more of assisted weight-bearing (a.k.a. crutches or a scooter) and boot-wearing in front of him.
As you can imagine, this has thrown a wrench into many of our plans and expectations for our last few weeks as a family of four. We had to cancel our annual camping trip, our visit to Connecticut, and our one-night babymoon. My parents have already been here with us a week, and after a brief trip home, they’ll be back here for the four weeks leading up to the delivery.
To say I am exceedingly grateful for their help doesn’t even come close – daily tasks are already more tiring, and will only become increasingly so as delivery ticks closer – but at the same time, it’s okay to say that it’s never what I would have chosen for this unique season of our lives. I am mourning privacy, and space, and control, and the opportunity to be cared for in late pregnancy in the way only my very best friend can – except that he cannot, right now.
YET AGAIN, at the same time, I have had the slightly-morbid but very true thought over and over that even as I learn to do tasks, sometimes for the first time, that normally fall under John’s domain – taking out the trash, operating our overly-complicated sprinkler, taking the kids up to bed at night – I am so grateful that I am only taking over these tasks temporarily, not because he has been permanently disabled or worse. God willing, though there is a long road of physical therapy and recovery ahead to return to full strength, he will be back on his feet and walking unassisted a month or so after baby sister arrives. Prayers for swift healing are very much appreciated!
One thing that has NOT preoccupied my thoughts this pregnancy? The mode of delivery. My OB practice requires a third baby after two c-sections to be another c-section, so unlike last time, when I felt like what kind of delivery to choose was a constant weight on my mind, I’ve given it little thought this time around.
Exercise: Fairly non-existent in the first trimester. In the second trimester, I got back on the Peloton to move my legs (my outputs are about half of what they used to be!) and was pretty consistent with arm workouts, stretching, and evening or midday walks with John. I am not feeling optimistic about the third trimester – John is now out as a walking partner, and he is also usually the one that rallies us to fit in an arms workout or encourages me to get on the bike.
Looking forward to: Plans for the garden party are still moving forward, and though it feels like a LOT to organize on top of everything else, I am excited for a chance to see friends and just enjoy a special evening. Fingers crossed for no rain!
Nursery status: Curtains are being sewn as we speak! I still need to clean out the closet, and am looking forward to printing and framing a few maternity family photos for the top of the dresser. We also need to set up the “satellite nursery,” a.k.a. our bedroom, where she’ll sleep for the first few months: setting up a changing station, clothing storage, and a place to sleep.
Left to do: Plenty! Other than things mentioned elsewhere, we need to purchase gifts for June and Shep from “baby sister,” shop with June for a stuffie for baby sister, gather a recipient list for our Meal Train, plan for our newborn photos, stock up on swaddles, order a baby book, wash and organize newborn clothes, buy diapers and wipes, pack a hospital bag, and install the infant car seat.
On my mind: I covered the effects of John’s injury on these last few weeks of pregnancy above, but what I haven’t yet wrapped my mind around fully is what it means for our time in the hospital and the first few weeks of post-partum, when I will be recovering from my own surgery and largely immobile – weeks when in the past, John has done almost everything for me and everyone else. I’m choosing to see how recovery progresses over the next few weeks instead of worrying about everything all at once.
How June and Shep are doing: Great! Having an older, more aware child has been one of the sweetest changes with this pregnancy – at 5, June definitely has more of an idea of what’s going on and loves to stay up-to-date on the weekly baby app info, sing and talk to her sister and feel her wiggle, and ask questions. She is VERY excited to be having a sister (as opposed to a brother, ha!) and when my Mom asked her the other day if she should get them some matching outfits, she said, “Of COURSE! I can’t WAIT to match!” As opposed to last time, when she was mostly indifferent to Shep’s arrival, I imagine she will want to be a big helper right from the start.
Shep, on the other hand, is a similar age as June was when he was born (2.5), and though he will supply “baby sister!” when asked what’s in Mama’s tummy, I think he largely has NO idea what’s coming. We haven’t had a chance to visit any friends with new babies recently, so I think a newborn will be a very foreign concept for him. One of my favorite Shep moments from this pregnancy: when he turned to me one day, apropos nothing, and asked, pointing to my stomach, “What’s this big belly doing?” HA! He is SO curious and constantly asking questions, so I know he will have a bunch once she arrives!
Name: Her first name is chosen, inspired by a family member, with a nickname that I’ve loved almost as long as the name June. We are as-yet undecided on a middle name, but will likely go BOLD. I can’t wait to share more after her birth, and also finally discuss other names on the short list, since I expect this will be our last naming opportunity!
Whew! Thanks for hanging in there for this massive post, friends! Glad to get to share these updates so that you’ll have a little more context for my June goals post. That’s coming tomorrow!
P.S. Third trimester update with Shep and with June
This is my third pregnancy, but will be my first time doing any sort of official maternity photos! Instead of something more traditional, we’re taking the opportunity to squeeze in photos as a family of four… where I just happen to have a bump :) I’ll likely be between 28 and 31 weeks for our shoot. This is what I’m hoping for:
I can pull photo inspiration all day, but choosing outfits for the family is always a challenge for me. I do find it’s helpful to start with one person’s outfit, and then build out from there. This time around, that person gets to be me :) I’ve scoured the internet (with the help of a few friends!) and rounded up a few options that might work. Note that only two are actually maternity dresses! Most of the maternity options I found are either too flowy and fancy for my taste, or cute but too casual for what I’m picturing. The non-maternity dresses I’m eyeing have bump-friendly features, like a higher waist, smocking, or a loose silhouette. Once I narrow it down (with your help!), I’m assuming I’ll need to order several options to try on at home to make sure they fit as I’m picturing!
Here’s what I’ve got…
1. Cornflower Lolita Dress | This one is lovely and looks quite bump-friendly, but won’t be back in stock until after we expect to take our photos.
2. Liberty Mini Floral Dress | With a high tie waist, I think this one will work nicely with a bump. The floral pattern would be fun to pull colors from for everyone else’s outfits!
3. Ellie Nap Dress | My dream Hill House dress is this pattern in blue and white, which seems to have disappeared from their website (argh!!). I have a gift card and would have loved to use it for this occasion but I think I’m going to hold out until my blue and white dreaminess comes back in stock – fingers crossed. [I ended up wearing this dress in another pattern and can confidently say the nap dresses are a DREAM for pregnant people!! I wear a small, and I typically wear a XS or S!]
4. Yellow Gold Mini Dress | I think this color is so fun! I’ve been crushing on yellow in family photos after my friend Katie wore it for hers. The fact that it is a mini dress concerns me a bit, since the bump will bring up the hemline, but might work if I size up a bit? [Tried on and updated to add: length was too short and didn’t love the sleeves on me!]
5. Rainbow Gingham Dress | This is such a happy dress (with smocking!), but I’m not sure if it’s “me” enough for the occasion?
6. Embroidered Sundress | One of the maternity options! It might be too casual for what I’m shooting for?
7. Ruffle Tiered Dress | I’m not convinced I’d love the fabric on this one, and though I love the pink color online, it’s billed as “neon,” which again, is not exactly what I’m looking for.
8. Navy Polka Dot Dress | I LOVE THIS DRESS! It’s maternity, and it probably would have been my pick without all this discussion, but it’s currently sold out in every size (argh!).
9. Ruffle Stripe Dress | I own this dress! It’s very sweet and comfy and I look forward to having it in the rotation for the next few months and beyond, but I don’t think the quality/fit is good enough for lasting family photos.
10. White Sleeveless Dress | This dress has been on my wishlist for months! I think the style is so chic and classic, and other family members could wear fun patterns or colors to complement it. Will probably order to see if the fit works. [Tried on and updated to add: I LOVE THIS DRESS!! I actually don’t think it’s great for maternity photos, since it doesn’t really show off the bump, but I’m going to keep it to wear both during and after pregnancy. A reader also pointed out that it’s very breastfeeding friendly, which I love!]
11. Green Floral Dress | Gah, this one is fun, too. I think the waist is high enough that it would be bump-friendly.
12. Chambray Dress | I have also loved this dress for a long time, but alas, it is currently sold out in every size.
Let’s vote! Which one do you think I should wear, or at least order to try on at home? If it helps, the setting will likely be some sort of grassy field.
Okay – the weightiest matter is out of the way. Let’s move on to discussing a more lighthearted crossroads – and one that we did not have to make any decisions about, ha! Once we knew we were expecting a third baby, the next question, of course, was whether Baby Thomas would be a boy or a girl!
With June, I just knew from the beginning that she was a girl. With Shep, I said I didn’t have a strong feeling, but I think deep down I knew he was a boy… but just didn’t want to admit it because I was hoping for back-to-back girls. (Obviously, so happy he turned out to be who he is! :))
With a boy and a girl already in our family, the stakes felt pretty low to us this time around. Throughout the first half of my pregnancy, neither John nor I had strong feelings, and neither of us had a strong preference, either. (If you’re surprised by this because you’ve read my About page, know that my super power of guessing baby genders is most accurate for first babies – after that, I’m about as good as the next person :))
Just for fun, here were some of the thoughts that came up in discussion:
1. One of John’s biggest concerns with having three children was the fear that one would often end up being left out. As one of three ourselves, we both experienced this firsthand: in my family, my younger sister was definitely the odd gal out growing up (though happily, not anymore), and in John’s family, he was so much younger (and the only boy) that his older sisters naturally paired off (though also adore/d him!).
Though I agree that someone being left out at some point is inevitable, I also made the case that with the birth order we’ve already established, it will hopefully be less of an issue either way. If we were to have another boy, yes, the boys would pair off sometimes, but we could compensate with extra-special Mama time for June, as the oldest (and since we joke that she’s already a 5-year-old in a 36-year-old’s body, it’s probably what she’d prefer, ha!). If we were to have another girl, then there wouldn’t be as natural of a pairing, and would likely see more mixing and matching: sometimes the younger two might pair up, sometimes the older two, and sometimes the girls.
2. Girl clothing is WITHOUT A DOUBT more fun than boy clothing, and the idea of getting to re-air favorites from June’s wardrobe was thrilling. Either way, we’ll be well-stocked for clothes: I have plenty of favorites from both kids tucked away in our attic.
3. The biggest and most pressing reason that I was rooting for a girl: for several years, we’ve had a girl name locked and loaded… and ABSOLUTELY ZERO idea what we’d name a boy. Like, NO strong contenders whatsoever. (Whereas, for a girl, I had plenty of back-up options waiting in the wings, even though we already had a frontrunner!) Not only did I love and want to use the girl name we had picked out, but I was not looking forward to 20 weeks of wracking our brains for an acceptable boy name…
…which is why I’m very happy to share that our next few months can be spent window shopping for bows and dresses and floral sheets instead of poring over baby name databases! Yes, we are adding another little girl to our family!! We couldn’t be more excited and love talking about baby sister – she already seems like part of the family :)
I’d love to hear: if you have siblings, what’s something your parents did to encourage a close bond growing up? (Or, maybe you have older kids and something to share that has worked well so far!)
One thing that my parents did not do, that I’m experimenting with (inspired by NurtureShock, one of my favorite parenting books): reminding our kids that they are best friends and always will be (speaking it into being, ha!). I also try to verbally affirm that they are being “good friends” to each other when they do something kind, play nicely together, or are enjoying each other’s company. It’s been a few years since I read the book, so I’m a little fuzzy on the details, but I believe this suggestion came from the sibling rivalry chapter, and the idea that we have a lot more conditioning around friendship and how we treat friends. If we can translate some of that to siblings, it can be a great start! Would love to hear your experiences! :)
P.S. We asked the ultrasound tech to put the news in an envelope, then opened it on a Zoom call with both of our families – so fun! June was very set on biting into a cupcake to find out the news (after hearing about it from her cousins), so that’s what we did. You can see that our families were pretty evenly split on their final guesses, though interestingly, both John and I and both of the kids picked girl in the end!
