There are many ways to tell every story, and just as many ways to make meaning out of one. And so, as I thought about how to share the story of Annie’s birth here, as I twisted the memories from side to side, looking for what caught the light, I’ve come to decide that the story of our youngest daughter’s birth is above all a story of God’s faithfulness, His kindness, and His mystery. I would love to tell you about it.
Annie’s birth was my third c-section. To quickly recap: June, our first daughter, was delivered by c-section because she was breech. With Shep, I had the choice to attempt a VBAC or schedule another c-section. I planned to attempt a VBAC, but made it to my scheduled day with no signs of labor, and so delivered him by c-section, too. With a third baby at my practice, you no longer get a choice, so a third c-section it was!
I was a little nervous about this, because I had heard c-sections get harder with each subsequent one, but honestly was mostly relieved that I wouldn’t have to spend the whole pregnancy agonizing over whether to attempt a VBAC or not, as I did with Shep. And I had had two positive experiences with c-section deliveries and recoveries, so that was comforting!
One strange element of a scheduled c-section is that you get to choose your child’s birthday. As my due date approached, we compared the dates on the calendar to the doctors from my practice on call and debated the merits of various birthdays. In the end, it came down to either Thursday, July 8, or Monday, July 12. Those were the dates with my second and third favorite doctors (my first favorite, who delivered Shep, was not on call for the month of July!). We debated whether less-experienced nurses would be on during the holiday week. We discussed that a Fourth-of-July-week baby would be fun and festive. We looked at our work schedules. We considered proximity to John’s birthday (July 15th!). And we debated whether a few extra days might be just the time we needed to get John off crutches.
We eventually decided on July 8th. This time around, we didn’t need to worry about parents coming into town to watch our older kiddos, because they were already there! My parents had been staying with us for several weeks at that point to help care for all of us as John recovered and I progressed further and further into pregnancy.
And so we enjoyed our last few weeks as a family of four: a final date night to Mandolin, my niece staying with us to attend pony camp with June, our town’s Fourth of July parade, and, on the night before Annie’s delivery, a special picnic at one of our favorite parks with just the four of us. We ate pizza, the kids ran around, and we told them their sister’s name. It was special and sweet.
The next morning, we got up, took showers, finished packing our bags, hugged two sleepy kids, and left the house under a gray sky. We checked in at the Labor & Delivery wing at 6:30am for my 9:30am surgery, and after filling out a few last pieces of paperwork, were ushered to our room. Except… it wasn’t the room we were expecting. Instead of turning right to the Labor hall, as we had for June and Shep’s births, we were pointed left toward the surgical prep area.
And here, friends, is where we circle back to the primacy of expectations. Over and over again (and especially throughout pregnancy and my life as a parent), I have seen the power of expectations play out. When I have low expectations, I leave room for them to be happily exceeded. When I have high expectations, I leave room to be bitter and disappointed.
I made a particular point throughout my second and third pregnancies, and both newborn phases, to keep my expectations very neutral, and I really believe it was a key to my happiness throughout. I thought I had my hands open this time, too, but, as it turns out, not in the way I needed to.
Because the room we were ushered into was not the beautiful, comfortable, hotel-like room where we’d prepared for Shep and June’s births. No, this was a cold, empty, gray, windowless room with a narrow, hard, gurney-like bed. In my memory, it had a single crackling bulb dangling from the ceiling (that’s probably an exaggeration, ha). And friends, when the nurse closed the door after depositing us inside, I admit that I started to cry. And cried on and off for the next hour or so.
This is embarrassing to admit, no matter which way you look at it. As John gently reminded me, women have given, and still give, birth in circumstances orders of magnitude less clean, less comfortable, less safe. I had absolutely nothing to complain about, but, well, there it is. There I was. As I look back, I think a few things were at play:
Aesthetics matter to me. Lighting matters to me. A beautiful, comfortable space can lift my spirits and set me at ease, and a cold, harsh one can do the opposite. My emotions were already running high, knowing what was to come that day, and I think they went a little haywire when plunged into an unexpectedly harsh environment.
Something going off-script so early in the morning also sent me into a bit of a tailspin. If this was different, what else might have changed about the hospital’s policies? What else did I need to worry about or readjust my expectations on for the rest of the day?
Lastly and most significantly, being sent to this solitary, bare, out-of-the-way room made me feel less-than.
I know so many women battle feelings of inferiority when comparing their c-section births to “natural” ones, and thankfully, I had never really felt that way about either of mine. They were what I needed and resulted in healthy babies and a healthy mom, and that was good enough for me.
But to be put in this sad room, far away from all of the “normal” moms on the labor floor, made this feel far from a birth experience. It felt clinical. Surgical. None of the hustle and bustle, the cheerfulness, the light and warmth of the labor floor, the sense that exciting, wonderful things were happening all around us.
So yes, I cried. More than I’d like to admit – a hot concoction of frustration, confusion, anger, shame, and embarrassment. And I prayed. And finally, I slept. And when I woke up, God was gracious to give me a new lightness. I could joke with John about our surroundings, text with our families, follow the track of Tropical Storm Elsa (the eye was right over the hospital when I was in the operating room!), enjoy watching Wimbledon on the TV. I didn’t even mind the first few times our nurse popped her head in to let us know our surgery slot was being pushed back – from 9:30, to 10:30, to noon – and I was able to enjoy the now-familiar rhythms of c-section prep: meeting with the anesthesiologist, chatting with my doctor, getting a stomach bath, drinking the nasty liquid.
Finally, around 1:30pm, I was wheeled back to the surgery bay, John walking gingerly alongside. (Yes! He was cleared to walk in his boot without crutches just a day or two before her birth, though he still used them to get around most of the time.) As before, John and I parted ways at the surgery suite door so he could put on his gear and I could receive the epidural. Soon enough he appeared at my side, squeezing my hand.
One thing I was adamant about this time around was that I wanted worship music to be playing in the delivery room. As the surgery began and John pushed play on the songs I had put together, tears started to trickle down both sides of my face. He was, of course, worried when he saw this, and I remember saying, “No, no, it’s okay, they’re good tears, they’re good tears.”
In that moment, I was completely overwhelmed by the goodness of God. I was here, I was alive. My husband, the absolute love of my life, was at my side. I had two amazing, healthy babies waiting for me at home. I was about to meet our third baby and I just couldn’t wait to hold her in my arms.
I thought about the worries I had sustained in all three of my pregnancies, how I didn’t have to worry about those things anymore. I thought about how lucky I was that I even got to have a third baby. I thought about how grateful I was for this season of my life, of carrying and giving birth to our babies, how grateful I was to have been invited into this miracle and mystery three times over. How could I not cry? I’m tearing up now.
I said this was a story about God’s goodness and God’s mystery, and it is. I don’t know why I am so lucky. I don’t know why others are not. But I can assign the goodness and faithfulness of our story to God, because He is good and faithful, even when the circumstances are not. It’s what I’ve chosen to build my life on. The song that was playing when Annie was born was so fitting:
“There’s so much that I don’t see But I see You, but I see You And there’s so much that I don’t know But I know You, but I know You And there’s so much that I don’t understand But I have seen Your goodness And it’s just enough, that I’ll
Bet all I have on You, I bet all I have on You I bet all I have on You, I bet all I have on You ‘Cause only a fool would find real love and just give it up I bet all I have on You, I bet all I have on You.”
Our daughter was born at 2:26pm and weighed just over 7 pounds. She had a head full of dark hair (still does!) and looked absolutely horrified to find herself in such a bright room. They kept her in the warmer for longer than I remember June and Shep being there, but she and I got to snuggle as they finished the surgery (which was smooth and uneventful – just how we like them :)) Soon enough, we were wheeled out into the surgery hallway, where we were monitored for another two hours or so before scooting over to the family recovery floor (thankfully, the same lovely rooms that we were in after both other births!).
In the months since, she has lived up to the promise of her birth – she is a true sign of God’s goodness and faithfulness, the sweetest and most precious baby girl. I’m so grateful for her story, and as always, for getting to share a bit of it with you. xo
I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks the attention we give to choosing our children’s names is a little over the top. And they may be right :) But for me, someone who believes so strongly in the power of the stories we tell ourselves about our lives, a name is more than just an identifier: it is the first lines in a story. And as parents, we get the honor and privilege of writing them. John and I can’t determine the ending of any of our children’s stories, but we can set them in a direction and give them supplies for the road – roots and wings, as I’ve said before. With that, here’s a little more about the name we chose for our daughter…
First, Annie. After we bestowed the name June, which had been my number one since high school, I kept a loose collection of other favorite names in a note on my phone, should we have another daughter. As I added and subtracted options over the years, one sifted to the top: the sweet but not saccharine, feminine but feisty, friendly and optimistic Annie.
True to form for my favorites, it would be at home on any of our grandmas (it was a top 20 name from the 1880s to 1910). It is simple to spell and pronounce, and is familiar but not too common.
Annie Banks-MacKenzie is a central figure in two of my all-time favorite movies, the ones that helped to set my expectations for a loving family and set me on a course toward my future career.
Annie originates from the English Isle and has a definite Scottish feel to it, which is appropriate given my ancestry.
And most serendipitously, Annie Jane is the name of John’s grandmother, which I didn’t learn until years after I fell in love with her name. I never got to meet Annie Jane, but love that we’re able to honor her through our daughter!
So, Annie. But the most common formal name for the nickname Annie – Anne – was just a name for me, without any further meaning or significance (and you know we couldn’t have that, ha!). I puzzled over this for years, until I finally realized that another name on my short list – Susanna – was emblematic of my maternal grandmother’s name (Susanne). Even if our Annie may not use it too often, I was thrilled for another family connection.
I think it’s important to remember here that we don’t name our children after perfect people, but after imperfect people who are a reminder of the story from which they come – one that’s far from perfect, but filled with people who try, who have integrity, who are kind and smart and humble and face challenges and pick themselves back up again and again. As crystallized for me in this essay, I strongly believe (and research backs up!) that one of the best things we can do for our children is develop a strong family narrative. (I wrote more about this in Shep’s name post!)
I’ve written about my grandmother before – she was a deeply layered person, and not always easy to understand. But so many of the things that define me were passed down from her – my love of garden bouquets, boat rides, singing in church, and reading and writing; a belief in thank you notes, correspondence, and a beautifully-set table; and the importance of standing up for the flag at parades, giving back to organizations, and supporting your alma mater. I look forward to introducing Annie to her in the years to come :)
Finally, Liberty! Our other two kiddos’ middle names spoke to our love for America and our love for our faith, respectively, and this one actually combines both. For a Fourth-of-July-week baby, we love that Liberty speaks to the hope, possibility, freedom, and opportunity that’s found in our country more than anywhere else in the world. America is not perfect, but her ideals (including “life, liberty, and happiness”) are beautiful, and we feel lucky to have the privilege of living up to them – and to help our kids do the same.
The idea of liberty and freedom is woven throughout the Gospel, too. Jesus sets us free from death, but even more than that, He has set us free for freedom! When we live with Christ, we don’t have to be weighed down by the comparison, guilt, envy, anxiety, or fear that are so common in our world. We love that Annie’s middle name will remind her about the life that is truly life – a life of abundance, obedience, contentment, joy, and freedom.
So there you have it – much more than you ever wanted to know about our little lady’s name, ha! Thanks for listening, friends, as always.
Friends, this is our sweet Susanna Liberty! She arrived on Thursday, July 8 at 2:26pm, weighing in at 7 pounds, 1 ounce with lots of dark hair. We will call her Annie :)
I am feeling so very grateful for a healthy baby and a safe delivery, for the precious family I already have, and for the true gift of getting to add one more to our crew. She is the absolute sweetest and we all love, love, love her so.
I will be back with more on her name soon! In the meantime, thank you for all the well wishes and prayers!!
As I’ve referred to our Big Lists for baby sister and kindergarten prep over the last few weeks, several of you have asked for more details. I am always happy to oblige, though it almost seems like an overly-simple concept to write about! However, maybe it only seems that way because I’ve been making them for years and years :) Today, I thought I’d share a little more about one of my favorite planning tools, and a few things that are on our prep list for our newest arrival!
Unrelated photo from our Independence Day festivities – June was very proud of her bike decorations for the parade!
I started making Big Lists in college, actually. A glorified to do list, they are especially helpful when there is a defined deadline and discrete tasks that need to be completed – for example, the end of a semester. While in school, I’d write out everything that needed to be accomplished before closing out the term – submitting a final paper, finishing a book, taking an exam, attending a lecture – and break it out by week and/or day. It was easier to pace myself that way, and by breaking things down, no one day or week looked too overwhelming. If I did what was scheduled for that day, I knew I was on track.
When I began my job after college, I used the same technique – most often before a big launch or a long holiday or vacation. Though I couldn’t write down and cross off things like “respond to email,” I could write down every blog post, listing draft, or piece of sales page content that needed to be completed before the deadline.
Now, I use this tool in my personal life, too, with the same parameters – for things with lots of little, discrete tasks and that have a defined deadline. The beginning of kindergarten and the arrival of baby sister are perfect examples.
You may be wondering: what is the difference between a Big List, a to do list, and my monthly PowerSheets goals? Great question, because I have all three :)
My to do list is ongoing, forever and always. It lives in a Word doc. (I know, the most low-tech and simple option out there aside from pen and paper!) It’s broken into three sections: to do today, to do this week, and to do soon. I open up the doc and refer to it multiple times a day, and things get crossed off and added constantly. Since most of my work is done on a computer while sitting at a desk, I don’t really need a mobile system, though I’ll sometimes transfer to dos from my computer to my phone or a piece of paper if I’m out running a series of errands.
This list includes personal and mundane tasks that contribute to the running of our lives and household, and is the repository for everything swirling in my brain: following up with doctors, scheduling appointments, ordering things or processing returns, writing thank you notes, emailing people, setting things up, booking travel, etc.
A Big List exists only for a short, defined period of time and is solely focused on one aspect of life. I like to keep mine in Google Docs, and depending on the magnitude of the deadline, I usually start drafting 2-4 weeks out, though I might start brainstorming and adding items before then. I begin by dumping ideas into the doc, then breaking them out into days or weeks, and breaking the items down into as small of tasks as necessary or possible. From there, I transfer each week’s items onto my to do list to keep the focus for the week in one central place. A digital system also makes it easy to roll things over from week to week if they’re not completed, which I most definitely do.
My monthly goals are drawn less from the current events of our life and more from the priorities I’ve defined in my yearly goal process (thanks to the PowerSheets!). These are ongoing projects with little urgency beyond that I’ve defined them as important to my and my family’s life (though occasionally they do overlap, as in the case of preparing for baby girl and kindergarten!). They live in my PowerSheets and here on the blog.
They are usually more big-picture, and require being broken down into more discrete tasks that go onto my to do list. For example, “edit June in June” is on my July goals list. That might get broken down into choose a song, download footage, cull footage, and edit video – all of which could go on my to do list for various days.
Honestly, writing all of this out makes me feel a tiny bit nutty and over the top, but in reality they are very simple practices that help me get the right things done! (And I’m sure you have similar systems in your own life!) Hopefully at least one of you found this excessively-long explanation helpful :)
And now to close, let’s look at what a Big List can look like in practice, using the example of baby girl’s arrival. These were a few of the tasks on our list, broken out by the week we completed them. Obviously, this list is very custom to our family, but hopefully you can use it as an example of the kinds of things you might want to think about if you’re expecting, and adapt it to your life! Keep in mind, this is also for a third baby :)
Four weeks before: — Gather recipient list for Meal Train — Decide on paternity leave timing — Deep dive into middle names and choose one — Ask Graham about newborn photos and dates
Three weeks before: — Order new baby book — Take car in for inspection — Wrap gifts from baby sister for big kids — Make hospital bag packing list — Communicate with Namesake about goodies
Two weeks before: — Buy Shep’s birthday gifts — Buy John’s birthday gifts — Get newborn clothes out from attic and wash them — Make hair appointment for newborn session — Buy diapers and wipes
One week before: — Move June’s clothing upstairs and stock baby sister’s clothing downstairs — Finish planning outfits for newborn session — Prep for surprises while in hospital — Buy baby sister stuffie with June — Set up diaper changing station downstairs — Hang roman shade in guest room — Brush up on Babywise — Pack hospital bag — Prep travel consent form for June — Check swaddle inventory and buy new, if necessary
Week of birth: — Install car seat — Wash bassinet — Make shot list for newborn session — Update older kid baby books — Set up bassinet in master bedroom — Take car to car wash — Prep hospital playlist — Dust off and unfold stroller
Let’s compare to do list neuroses: do you make Big Lists? Where do you keep your to do list? Monthly goals? I’d love to hear!
P.S. For those of you who have asked, kindergarten prep musings are coming soon to a blog near you! :)
