I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ended a post on Em for Marvelous with “well, I’m not sure if this will be helpful for anyone, but here you go…?” …and then it has turned out to be one of my most popular posts. In fact, in a survey a few years ago, a reader specifically called out that exact line, saying, “If you say ‘I’m not sure if this will be helpful,’ I know it’s going to be one of my favorite posts!”
Reader, I am tempted to write that disclaimer on this post, because it feels deeply personal and highly specific to my unique circumstances. However, having written here for some time now, I know there’s a kind of inverse relationship going on, and it tracks with what I learned as a poet: that the more specific detail you can bring to a piece of writing, the more universally it will resonate. The details that seem so idiosyncratic are actually what make writing come alive for others, because in those details they can see the nuance of their own life.
I hope that holds true here. I want to write about working as a mom because it matters deeply to me, and I want to share this conversation with you smart, wonderful ladies, and I also want to capture it in the moment for my children to read one day.
And there’s one more reason: it’s important to me to be truthful about what I share here. That doesn’t mean sharing everything, but it does mean (so far as it’s possible) not misleading you – even unintentionally, even by omission. Many of you know me as a working parent. I would hate for one of you to look at me, having classified me as such, and wonder why you can’t fit all that I do into a week. I hope shedding a little more light into what working looks like for me right now can help with that.
As always – however similar, or not, our situations might be – I hope watching me wade through my decisions empowers you to make your own thoughtfully and confidently.
This is a long post (with more parts to follow!); I thought it might be helpful to break it up with headings. Settle in, friends!
Though not accurate to my day-to-day, it’s still the ultimate photo of me as a working mom :)
Some background on my work history:
I have worked for the same company my entire adult life – 13 years and counting. When I began, I worked a standard 9-5, Monday through Friday. When June was born, in 2016, I reduced my hours to 9-4. I was so grateful to be able to do this – it gave me the space to pick her up from daycare, come home and spend time together, and still get dinner on the table without our days feeling rushed. This schedule worked well for several years.
Annie’s birth and June’s entry into kindergarten lined up neatly, and when I returned from maternity leave in fall 2021, I reduced my hours again (to 9-3) to match June’s school hours. This was a specific goal I had been working toward for basically my entire career: once a child was in elementary school, I wanted my work to fit into their school hours, and to be there for pick-up and drop-off. (John and I share pick-up and drop-off duties, but it was still the goal!) This schedule, too, worked very well.
As you know, as of August 1, I kept my 9-3 hours and shortened my work week for the first time. I now work Monday through Thursday. As of January 1, I’m scheduled to drop one more work day, for a total of three each week. I anticipate that shift being more challenging than the five-to-four shift, but perhaps I’ll be pleasantly surprised.
The reason for shortening my work week:
There are two main reasons and a number of smaller reasons.
First, we now have three children. That’s three people who have scheduled and unscheduled days off from school, who need to go to the doctor and the dentist, and who occasionally get sick and need to come home in the middle of the day. We wanted a parent who was more readily available for all of those things, so that each teacher workday or call from the school didn’t throw us into a resentful panic. Opening up a “free” day in the week goes a long way toward this.
Second, we now have three children :) After Annie was born and as our kids got older (and went to bed later), it became increasingly clear that much of the work I was doing for the household was being squeezed into hours that we (John and I) considered unideal: for example, grocery shopping at 9:30 at night. The addition of a third child and all the logistics that came with her (school paperwork, a wardrobe to maintain, food to prepare… you don’t need me to list it all) seemed to be a tipping point for our life. Things that we used to easily fit into our days, like evening walks and stretching, were getting squeezed out entirely. So together, John and I made the choice to essentially give me daytime “work hours” to do the increasing work of our household I’d already been doing, so we could both have more equal time to relax in the evenings and on weekends.
Some secondary reasons:
Travel logistics are complicated with three young kids, and we travel a good bit (even if just across the state for the weekend). We wanted someone who could manage our exits and entries more smoothly.
I hoped to feel less defensive over what felt like the little time I had to spend as I pleased in the evenings. Hoarding my time, as I think of it, is one of my least favorite tendencies of myself, and something I actively work to improve. But if there were structural things that could change so that John and I were more equally free to enjoy our unscheduled time, that felt like something we should pursue.
Finally – and this, for me, was one of the harder ones to admit – I wanted to be more free to enjoy this unique season of my life. I wanted to meet up with a friend with our strollers and take a morning walk. I wanted to help a friend with a pop-up shop just for fun. I wanted to have more time to share my thoughts and the story of our life through my writing. I wanted to volunteer in our kids’ schools. I wanted to enjoy the fun (for me) work of household management that often felt rushed or got skipped.
Some things that were not reasons for shortening my work week:
As I approached this decision, it was important to me to be equally clear about some things that were NOT reasons for shortening my work week.
First, and most importantly, I was not shortening my working hours to spend more time with my children because I thought they were suffering in my absence. This is admittedly a sore spot for me, because over the years, I have listened to many women resign and give as the reason for doing so that their children needed them. Or that them being home would be better for their children. And while those are valid reasons for resigning, and they surely were not thinking at all about how saying so would affect their teammates, it was hard to hear that and not resent the implied judgment on the working parents who remained on the team. Again: objectively, I know this is not rational (repeat after me: we all have different situations!!), but it’s important here (even if just for myself!) to state this clearly. Our children, praise the Lord, are thriving, and with this switch their school schedules will remain the same.
Second, in this reduction I did not want to add more tasks to my plate. Though I did have a backlog of things to tackle (that I’m still working through!), this change was largely about shifting the timing of tasks (from evenings/weekends to the workweek) versus adding new tasks or responsibilities.
Third, I did not want my children to stop seeing me doing the work of life. This was not about hiding all of the work away during the day so that we could play non-stop once they got home. This was not about making everything look or feel perfect or effortless. Working alongside each other is a great gift of families, and such an important way of passing on skills and values. I’d never want to take that away completely. Accordingly, I’ve prioritized shifting the tasks that are primarily digital or particularly complicated with the ages of our kids in this transition.
Let’s pause there for part one! In part two, I’ll tackle why we chose me over John to shorten a work week, why we chose shortening a work week over other solutions to the pain points we were experiencing, and the financial impact. And then in part three, I’ll give you many examples (I’ve been taking notes!) of what my Fridays have actually looked like.
If you have other questions, I’d love to include them in future segments – feel free to leave them here! I can’t wait to hear your thoughts! :)
Part Two: Why we chose me over my husband, why we chose going part-time over other solutions, and the financial impact Part Three: My role, negotiation, and how I structure my time at work Part Four: What my days off have actually looked like (so far)
Last fall, when June started kindergarten, we joined the ranks of many, many families before us and set aside Fridays for family movie night. This is not an original idea, but it has become a beloved tradition. The kids look forward to it all week and, to be fair – since we paired it with the takeout tradition we started early last year (after a mini emotional meltdown over the passing of time, no big deal) – so do we. Fridays have never been better over here.
A mostly-unrelated photo because I don’t have any of movie night… I’ve been practicing my French braiding!
Today, I thought it might be fun to share the movies we watched in the 2021-2022 school year along with a few mini reviews! But first, a little background:
June was 5 and 6 and Shep was 3 when we watched the movies below. Annie was under one and did not participate in family movie night.
On movie night, we aim to eat dinner no later than 6:30, then do quick baths and pajamas and be watching the movie by 7:30/8. Since most kid movies are about 90 minutes, this still gets our kids in bed by 9:30ish, which works for our us. (June had no problem staying up, though Shep would occasionally fall asleep or even ask to go to bed halfway through the movie, ha! Know thyself, buddy.)
We eat dessert during the movie. Historically, this was a cookie from the bakery we can walk to from preschool, but since it recently closed (sob!), we’ve been improvising.
Something I feel passionately about: this is family movie night, not kid movie night. I want my children to see me enjoying leisure time, not scrolling on my phone or cleaning up the kitchen while they enjoy themselves. And why wouldn’t I?! Movie night is FUN! Our rule is that the adults get to pick the movie for family movie night, since the kids get to pick their shows most of the time, so of course we pick favorites from our childhood and newer movies we want to see.
We do also have family movie night during the summer, but it tends to be more sporadic than during the school year, since we’re traveling, have more plans, or prioritize playing outside.
Onto the movies! Here’s what we watched last school year, as best as I can remember and roughly in order.
Ratatouille (I love this movie! June thought parts were scary and lots went over Shep’s head, but I adore it.)
Luca
Robin Hood (One of John’s favorites from childhood!)
Cars (Shep liked it; June was ambivalent.)
Lady & the Tramp
Monsters, Inc. (June thought this one was too scary – sensing a theme? :))
Cars 2 (I had never seen the Cars movies, so movie night was the perfect excuse to watch them!)
Toy Story (Our kids were not into it! Hoping they like it more as they get older.)
Peter Pan (It pains me to say it – John even had a cat named Peter Pan when he was little! – but I would not recommend this one – it just doesn’t hold up well, in my opinion. The Native American scenes were painful.)
A Bug’s Life (This isn’t one of my favorites, but our kids loved it! When they have a babysitter on a Friday night, we let them pick the movie from one we’ve watched together, and this is often their pick.)
The Sword and the Stone (One of my favorites from childhood! It held up and our kids went wild for the squirrel scene. June did think it was a little too scary at times.)
Aladdin (Also too scary at times for June.)
Encanto (Loved it! The story was a bit thin but the music and colors are great.)
Pocahontas (A hit! This was a favorite of mine from childhood, but I hadn’t seen it in decades and worried it wouldn’t hold up (a la Peter Pan). I actually thought it was surprisingly respectful and beautifully done, though of course I’m sure not 100% historically accurate. June’s eyes absolutely lit up during “Colors of the Wind.”)
Moana (Certain songs/scenes in this one always make me tear up!)
Brave (This was a bit of a pass – we found the accents a bit hard to understand and the story a little strange. With all of my Scottish heritage, I wish I could give it a better review!)
Charlotte’s Web (I must have watched this movie a billion times as a child, because it all came rushing back like muscle memory when we watched it! We watched this after reading the book and they loved it.)
Mary Poppins (This one is over two hours and it couldn’t hold the kids’ attention. We’ll try again when they’re older!)
101 Dalmations (They LOVED this one! Characters do call each other rude names, but overall a very popular choice.)
Fantastic Mr. Fox (Also watched this after reading the book. Much of the humor went over the kids’ heads, but we enjoyed it.)
Finding Nemo
Ice Age
The Lion King (You guessed it – June thought it was scary – but we were able to warn her and she enjoyed it despite the scariness. Just so many epic songs in this one.)
The Aristocats (We ended on a high note – the kids LOVED this one! This was one of my favorites as a child, too, and it held up. Just a sweet and fun adventure.)
I would love to hear: what movies have been hits at your house for movie night? Do you use it as an excuse to watch favorites from your childhood? (We have SO many more on the list I’m eager to get to!)
Now that Labor Day has come and gone, I wanted to share a bit about how we handled our first summer as two working parents to an elementary-school student. As a consummate planner, I looked ahead to this summer and thought about it for actual years in advance, knowing it would require thoughtfulness and careful planning to execute what I thought was best, in the way I wanted to live it out. Today, you get to see a bit of the fruit of that :)
In the hopes that our experience might help someone else, I’ll start with a little background information and a few thoughts that helped guide my planning, share a bit about what this first summer looked like, and then end with some thoughts on how it all turned out. I hope it’s helpful. For all the content that is pumped out daily online, this is not the type of thing that gets talked about very often, but as a parent, it’s the type of thing that matters very much to me. Here we go!
A little background info
In bullet-point form!
In previous years, June attended daycare and preschools that were essentially year-round, so we did not have to come up with a special care plan for the summer months. Our younger two kids still largely kept to their “school-year” routines this summer.
Where we live, we have the option of attending a traditional calendar or a year-round public elementary school. We opted for the traditional calendar. Call me stubborn or nostalgic (or both), but long summers at home were formative for me, and it’s important to me to offer the same to my kids, even if it means more effort on our part.
When we began to plan for this summer, we considered three things: what was possible given other constraints (time, money, etc.), what mattered to me and John, and what mattered to June. The third was the least important factor, though I think it will become more and more salient as she gets older. (More on this below!)
Everything cannot matter, so articulating what mattered most to us was hugely helpful and helped us make decisions. Your priorities will almost certainly be different than ours or your neighbors’. That is okay.
What mattered to us: Relaxed time to be a kid. Time outside. Time to be bored and use her imagination. Low/no tech programming. Time to read. Time to play with neighborhood friends. A chance to engage her faith. Space for John and I to do our work with minimal interruption. Minimal travel time to and from activities.
What did not matter to us: Anything overly-academic. Wow-factor activities or adventures. The simplest logistics. The cheapest cost.
Since we’d never experienced a summer break like this before and June is young and early in her elementary school career, I erred on the side of more “programming.”
John and I have a good amount of flexibility in our jobs. We both work from home most of the time. John has some ability to set his own schedule. I work part-time (this summer, from 9-3, Monday-Friday). We have worked toward our current situation over many years, in part with elementary-school summers in mind.
Start making plans early, if possible. I booked her first camp in November of last year.
The week-by-week schedule
Here’s how our rising first grader spent her summer break:
Week One: Farm camp. Outside all day with lots of chances for water play, stomping in the creek, getting dirty, crafts, visiting animals, etc. The hours allowed me to shift my time slightly to accommodate pick up and drop off.
Week Two: The original plan for this week was to have one of our babysitters come in the morning to hang with June and then leave her to her own devices in the afternoon. However, it turns out my parents came to visit, so she and my Mom had fun (mostly reading, playing pretend, and running errands I never get around to, ha!).
Week Three: Our town’s parks and rec tennis camp. It was a half day program, so John or I picked her up on our “lunch break” and she hung out at home (mostly in her room, reading or playing) in the afternoon.
Week Five: A beloved high school babysitter came from 9am-1pm. They went to the pool, they played pretend, they played with American Girl dolls, they got Crumbl cookies and went to Chick-fil-a for lunch on Friday… one-on-one attention for four hours a day with one of her favorite people in the world?! You bet this was one of June’s favorite weeks.
Week Six: VBS. The church was in downtown Raleigh and the camp was only from 9-12, so to cut out some travel time I “coworked” with Lisa, who lives about 5 minutes away from the church. For these two former coworkers, it was a sweet excuse to get in a few hours tapping away again side-by-side!
Week Seven: Back to farm camp.
Week Eight: Maine!
Week Nine: Connecticut! John and I worked remotely this week from his parents’ home while the kids hung with their grandparents. They swam multiple times a day, ran around the yard, rode bikes, went to the aquarium, read, and played a lot of Wii Sports, ha.
Week Ten: A local music and art camp. The hours easily fit within my work schedule. This was also one of her favorite weeks, and I think it was mostly because a good friend from school attended with her.
Week Eleven: This was a free week. It was the last week before school started, and I kind of ran out of planning steam, ha. It ended up being sweet and hopefully a prelude to what future summers might look more like: she spent hours playing outside with neighborhood friends and reading, and then on Friday (after I had switched to my new schedule), she and I spent the day together as a last hurrah before the first day of school.
Throughout the summer, she took swim lessons about once a week at our neighborhood pool.
A few reflections on this first summer
The bullet points seem to be working, so we’re just going to go with them :)
The logistics were a lot, but not overwhelming. I’m good at logistics! They don’t bother me! (See: prioritize what matters most to you. Logistical simplicity might matter most to some, but that wasn’t high on the list for me.)
I was wowed by June’s ability to walk into new experiences and environments week after week, usually not knowing anyone, and to make new friends – all without hesitation. This is so far from what I would have been capable of at her age.
At the end of summer, June said summer felt short. This was a bit disappointing to me, because part of my desire was to facilitate a summer that felt long – leisurely and somewhat boring. But I wonder if adults only say childhood summers felt long in reflection? I also know that the segmentation of her summer probably contributed to this, and we will likely be able to back off the programming and incorporate more boredom as she gets older :)
I think she will have more opinions about how she wants to spend her time next year, which makes me both excited and a bit nervous, ha! I’m looking forward to crafting a plan with her now that she’s experienced different options, but it also was pleasingly simple to make the decisions solo.
This was one summer. It was a good one, and it provided some learning opportunities. Everything is on the table in future years when we have more elementary-school kids and/or our work schedules are different!
And there you have it! As always, I could write many more paragraphs, but I’ll leave it there for now :) In closing, though, I wanted to add this: I know summers can be challenging for working parents: the logistics can be stressful, the clash between what you want and what’s possible can be frustrating or emotional. Maybe you feel pressure to facilitate a certain kind of summer for your child. Maybe this is the time of year when you really wish your work situation were different. However you’re reading this, I hope you’re able to be gentle with yourself and to find the good in your summer circumstances – I’m positive it’s there. You’re doing a great job.
P.S. This is one of those posts where I am truly not sure if it’s helpful at all. If nothing else, it will be a fun record for me to look back on, but if this was helpful, I’d love to hear it! Grateful for you all!
Miss Susanna is officially one, which means my baby gear days are officially done. Before they retreat too far into the past, I thought it might be helpful to offer a final round-up: of what we loved, what stood the test of time (and three kids), and what loved so much we repurchased. Of course, I stand by the claim I made even before my first pregnancy: babies don’t need much gear to be happy and healthy. Yes, there are some things that are incredibly helpful, but perhaps fewer than you might think. With that being said, here are a few that made the cut for us – some I’d consider true necessities, and others, fun extras.
Quick note for those who might be new: we have three kids, and the span from the oldest to youngest is 5.5 years.
Sleeping
Crib | After we retired the crib that June used (the same one I used as a baby!), we replaced it with this Jenny Lind style. I think it looks sweet for a boy or a girl, the price can’t be beat, and it still looks brand new after two babies.
Travel crib + bassinet attachment | Easy to set up and fold back into a backpack, compact, looks good… this pack and play has it all. One of my very favorite pieces of gear that we used for all three kids! They all slept in the bassinet in our room to start, then used it on overnight trips for the next few years.
Swaddle Me swaddles + Magic Merlin suit + sleep sack | There are tons of swaddle options out there (and aggressive opinions about all of them), but if you’re looking for somewhere to start your research, we used the Swaddle Me for all three babies and loved them! We did have to buy a new one each month because the velcro wore out, but they’re priced reasonably enough and work well enough that we were willing to do it. Just pull the end under tight tight tight :)
For the younger two, we used the ridiculous-looking Magic Merlin suit to ease the transition to sleeping arms-out once they could roll. We only needed it for about one month each, but it was incredibly helpful for that brief period! Your baby might hate it, though, so this is a great item to borrow from a friend, if you can, before buying!
Only our youngest has really used a sleep sack, but she seems to love this quilted version. I do not think it matters what kind you get – this one was a gift, I think!
Sound machine | Nothing fancy, but we love this one. Definitely get one with raised buttons or you’ll be feeling around in the dark trying to turn it on. This one is great for on-the-go.
Sweet crib sheets, blankets, and muslins | Each of our babies had 1-2 patterned crib sheets, a special blanket for naps at school, and a muslin for a lovey that was also used as a nursing cover, burp cloth, car seat cover… all the things. We have and love pieces from Little Unicorn and Clementine Kids.
On the Go
Stroller + stroller fan + parent console | Strollers, maybe the most out of all baby gear, are extremely personal; what you choose should depend on your lifestyle and how you plan to use it. That being said, we love ours! It’s lasted through all three kids and at this point, the wear-and-tear is showing: the brake has snapped off, the elastic is sagging, and there is significant fading. But we’re still loyal :)
Car seat + base | The Chicco is a classic for a reason. Nothing fancy here, but it gets the job done. We got an adapter for our stroller so we could attach it when they were very young, and that was great! We did have to repurchase this for Annie, since it was out of date by the time she arrived. Shows how much we loved it, because we purchased the exact same thing :)
Ergo | From her fifth day of life to about a year old, June rode in our Ergo 360 several times a week, if not every day… and her siblings followed suit. It was our baby-wearing apparatus of choice by far – easy to use, we could throw it in the wash, comfortable for both John and I to wear, and pleasing to all three babies.
Eating
Ikea high chair | To me, this high chair is the apex of form, function, and price. It is sleek, not overwhelming in a space, super easy to clean, and $30 (was $20 when we bought it!). Winner on all fronts. There are lots of cute stores on Etsy (like this one) that sell cushion covers and tray place mats and foot bars if you want to jazz it up a little, too.
Silicone bibs | So easy to keep clean, which is basically all I want in a bib.
Kiinde system | Like strollers and swaddles, there are strong opinions about bottles. The only thing we tried was the Kiinde bag system, and all three babies accepted it, so take that for what you will! While I wish it was more eco-friendly, the convenience of the bags moving straight from pumping to the freezer to the warmer to feeding was a delight.
Glider | I was on the fence about getting a glider, but I’m SO glad we did. (I went the semi-homemade route: bought a $25 glider on Craigslist, bought fabric, and took it to the upholsterer. My favorite thing about it is its petite scale, which makes it easy to get in and out of with a sleeping baby!)
Burt’s Bees cotton burp cloths | I don’t know whyyyyyy these are so expensive, but they really are superlative. We probably have 20 – all white – and there were absolutely days in the first few months when we’d go through all 20 before bedtime. So soft, so easy to fold neatly because of the seams, not too big, not too small… I wish I didn’t have to recommend them so strongly, but I do.
Back soon with part two and the final three categories! In the meantime, I would love to hear any of your favorites in these categories, or a popular item you did without! :)
