I’m not telling you anything new when I say that making time for friends – let alone making new ones – takes effort as an adult. Without some of the built-in opportunities for togetherness we enjoy when we’re younger, plus all of the time-consuming responsibilities of being an adult, making and keeping plans with the people I care about can feel like a part-time job.
And that’s just the logistics! If you’re an introvert like me, there can be a whole other level of fatigue from the vulnerability of putting yourself out there over and over again. Despite this, I’m always a bit shocked when I look around and realize (with much gratitude!) that I actually do have thriving friendships in my life. And one thing has been a game changer: systematizing them. Incredibly unromantic, incredibly helpful :)
Basically, I realized that my most consistent friendships – in many cases, the ones that feel the closest – have an automatic cadence. We’ve figured out the best and easiest way to spend time together and now we replicate it over and over. Here’s what that looks like for me, and how you might try this in your life if it sounds like something you need…
1. Name the friendships that matter most in this season. Get out a piece of paper and literally write down all of the friendships in your life right now – close by and far away, old and new, couple friends and college friends and church friends and mom friends and work friends and neighborhood friends and parents-of-your-kid’s-friends friends. Mark the ones you’d most like to nurture in this season of life.
2. For each priority relationship, brainstorm the best way to enjoy each other’s company. In some cases, this might simply be naming something that’s already in place. If not, maybe you can build off a rhythm that already exists, or replicate something you’ve enjoyed in the past. (An important point: the goal is not necessarily to have more social engagements, though that may end up happening. The goal is to make it easier to see the people who matter most.)
Another small aside: do you ever struggle with feeling like you’re the one who always extends the invitation? Does that feel unfair? Even though it is factually not true in my case (and probably not in yours!), the perception can leave me feeling vulnerable and resentful.
In recent years, though, I’ve successfully turned this feeling on its head. I GET to choose the activities that sound fun to me and work with my season of life! I GET to be the one to delight my friends! Instead of waiting for other people to ask, I can extend the invite with joy in my own time.
3. Implement the routine and make it sticky. No need to call up each friend and have a formal conversation, but if you’re suggesting a new rhythm, it might be helpful to broach the subject directly (“what do you think about meeting up for a walk on Thursday mornings?”). Once you’ve agreed to a rhythm (with the understanding that you can always adjust as life requires!), find a way to automate the planning. Usually, this looks like choosing a standing date (the first Friday of the month, every Monday morning) or putting the next date on the calendar before you part ways.
Of course, it goes without saying that even if you have a way you usually spend time with someone, that doesn’t mean you can’t ever do anything different. Of course you can! This is just an easy way to remove the burden of feeling like you need to reinvent the wheel every time you want to hang with a friend.
My friendships in adulthood have evolved alongside my life stage. They looked one way when we were engaged and newly married, another when we had just one baby, and now another when we have multiple school-age kids. Here are a few of the current friendship rhythms that are giving me life:
— Articles Club, of course! We meet on a certain day each month, and our gathering for discussion and dinner is a delightful way to spend time with ten wonderful friends. Several years in, we all know to keep “our” Tuesday evening clear on the calendar.
— Many of you may remember that I worked with Kristin and Lisa for several years at Southern Weddings. Lisa and I literally sat next to each other five days a week, so we didn’t really need an excuse to spend time together outside of work. When SW retired, though, we went several years only seeing each other sporadically. Then, a few months into the pandemic, we cautiously met up on Lisa’s porch for Prosecco and snacks after kiddo bedtime one evening. We set a date to meet up the next month before we left, and I don’t think we’ve missed a month in the last year and a half.
— Our annual camping trip with the Rays is a guaranteed weekend of late-night fireside chats and kiddo bonding.
— Making Fridays even sweeter: we do preschool pick-up at the same time as two other dear families, walk to a nearby bakery together for after-dinner treats, and let the kids run around while the grown-ups swap work-week updates and weekend plans for an hour.
— New babies have us a little out of our routine, but a neighborhood friend and I were in a great rhythm of early-morning walks every other week or so.
— Pandemic notwithstanding, I stumbled into a pattern of hosting a larger party once a year for my best gals (like the garden party or book swap party). This is a great catchall opportunity to be with those friends I might not see on a regular basis and a fun chance to flex my party-planning-loving heart! Fingers crossed I can make the potluck party I’ve been dreaming up for two years happen this spring…
There are more examples I could give, and more rhythms I have ideas for but have yet to implement, but I hope this gives you something to consider as you think through your own friendships! Like many of the best ideas, this is a very simple concept – but one that has paid dividends in my life in recent years.
If you have a friendship rhythm that’s working for you, I’d love to hear about it!
Nothing fancy, just a list of really great gifts that we’ve given, own, have on our wishlists, or are considering giving to our loved ones. With sales popping left and right this week, my hope is that somewhere in this list, you’ll find something that speaks to a personal connection with one of your loved ones (always the best gifts!) — or will at least get your wheels turning :)
For husbands, dads, and brothers: — A phone tripod he can keep in his wallet (we have and love this!) — An at-home car wash. I did this when John started a new job a few years, and it made his car look mint condition. — The Psychology of Money. A fantastic, compulsively readable book. Would be perfect for any grown-up! — A Solo stove. At least in my circles, this seems to be the gift of 2021, and I’m here for it! — A National Parks Pass + Landmark tee — Red Clay Hot Sauce variety pack. We bought this Southern trio for our hot sauce-loving brother-in-law a few years ago and it was a hit! — A Ted Lasso mug. This would make me so happy to sip from every day, but alas I do not regularly drink a beverage that requires a mug. — A handful of smart plugs to set a scene — A new game — Anything from this post I wrote about John’s wardrobe favorites (so many good things in there!)
For moms, sisters, and best friends: — A sweatshirt for your favorite reader — Or the “anywhere” sweatshirt from my pal Merrick for your wanderlust gal — The best conversation cards (I wrote them! :)) — Half Baked Harvest Super Simple or any cookbook by Jenny Rosenstrach (my favorites: How to Celebrate Everything and The Weekday Vegetarians). Make it extra-special by earmarking recipes you love or think she should try first! — A Write the Word journal and Faith action deck. Most WTW volumes have been out of stock for awhile but as of today they’re almost all back, including two of my favorites: Confidence and Fruit of the Spirit! — These pajama pants are clearly needed by some fabulous person — If you live close enough, a restaurant gift certificate and a night of babysitting, if needed — These serving trays from Rifle are absolutely gorgeous. It was so hard to choose but I have this round blue and white one to keep things corralled on my dresser and I love it so much. — The most darling butter dish. I love the yellow and green palette! — Pretty gold beaded hoop earrings — A subscription to The Atlantic, Our State, or your news media of choice. The media landscape is having a tough time to the detriment of us all – if you think a publication is doing a good job, support them.
For parents or in-laws: Obviously many of the above options would be good fits, but a few additional ideas…
— A Skylight digital photo frame. We gave one of these to my in-laws a few months ago and it has been a hit! So easy – you can send photos straight to it from your phone, so it’s easy for us to send new snaps at the end of a busy weekend or driving home from a hike. — A fresh wreath (coastal or buy one locally and add a bow – these are the ones we use!) — Something beautiful from Farmhouse Pottery. I think the style of their goods is just so timeless and beautiful. Go for a petite pitcher and pair with a jar of maple syrup or splurge on a pantry bowl and pair with a Stonewall Kitchen pancake mix (the best!!). — Floral tea for one set. So lovely and obviously I’m biased because of the name :) — Tickets to go to a game or show together. (For example, my Dad loves the UConn women’s basketball team and for awhile we’d buy him tickets whenever they were playing a team close to where we were living.) — Thymes Frasier Fir candle (absolutely magical) or a National Park-themed candle (whose purchase supports public lands) — A charcuterie board from a local company. In the Triangle, we’re lucky to have both Raleigh Cheesy and Boards & Bites to choose from! — A flexible book light that goes around their neck for easy reading in bed (or repair work, knitting, camping, and more) — A gorgeous pastel rainbow wind chime for their garden — This coffee table book of timeless hymns — A photo mug with the kids or grandkids (yes, they are 30% cheesy, but also beloved) or a photo wall calendar
Lots of fun ideas in last year’s guide, too. And of course, keep in mind that these categories are just starting points – mix and match to your heart’s content! You know your loved ones best!
Up next: Annie’s birth story! Perfect for the week of Thanksgiving :)
Earlier this year (probably a few weeks after we realized we were having babies two weeks apart!) I floated the idea of hosting a joint garden party to Nancy. I wasn’t picturing a baby shower per se – certainly not in the traditional sense of a guest of honor, gifts, and games – but the opportunity just seemed ripe to celebrate spring, new babies, access to vaccines, and a new season of life with COVID on the wane here! Nancy was game, and we quickly roped in our friend Sam, too. She completed the pregnant hostess triumvirate: three summer babies in six weeks!
After much back-and-forth on dates, we eventually settled on a Wednesday in early June. We were aiming for a weekend night, but I’m actually happy we landed midweek – I think we got a lot more “yes” RSVPs that way, and it was something special to look forward to! Nancy agreed to host us in her backyard, and I happily took the lead on all things planning: after a year and a half with no group celebrations, I was thrilled to have an excuse to put together an inspiration board and pull together details.
Of course, John’s injury threatened to throw a wrench in the plans, but thanks to keeping things as simple as possible and lots of help from my parents on the home front, we pulled it off! We ended up having the sweetest evening, and I’d love to share a few photos and details, if you’d like to see.
After choosing a date, our first order of business was putting together a guest list. This was one of my very favorite parts of the whole celebration: with three hostesses, we invited three interlocking friend groups whose edges were blurred in the most delightful way. Even though I didn’t know all of the guests well before the party, I knew they’d all be lovely people if they were friends of my friends! It was neat to see gals who had never met mixing, mingling, and getting along famously.
We used Paperless Post for an evite (asking friends to wear their favorite floral dress or garden party attire!), and I kept track of details and to dos in a Google Doc so we could all access it easily. The evening itself was very simple: we gathered at 6:30pm, had a 45-minute or so “cocktail hour” of chatting with drinks and a charcuterie platter, and then sat down to dinner. We didn’t get up again until 9:45, when I looked at my phone and realized we should probably start packing it in! I had originally considered incorporating an activity, like planting pots to take home, but should have known simple conversation with friends who hadn’t gotten together in so long would be more than enough to fill our time.
To seat everyone, I used a folding table of mine and borrowed two from a friend. We did rent 16 chairs from a local company, which was totally worth it at $45. The tables were covered with these block print linens – I already had one, and purchased a second (which I plan to gift to a friend on some future occasion!). Since it was a garden party, I splurged and ordered two centerpieces from Wylde, then sprinkled in potted plants from our favorite nursery (they all got planted in our yard post-party!), lots of tea lights and candles, and a few piles of limes and clementines. My friend Katie (who just opened the SWEETEST citrus-themed Etsy shop!) contributed the orange garlands and place cards.
You may even be able to spot a brand-new product (THAT I LOVE) from Cultivate launching this fall – I got permission to test it out with this crew, and it was a big hit! EEP!
For the place settings, I went with plastic plates in aqua and green, pale pink plastic bowls, pastel flatware (also in green and blue), and patterned paper napkins. At $.50 each, the plates and bowls were almost cheaper than a paper or flimsier plastic version, and now our family has an outdoor dining set to enjoy! We avoided the need for cups by serving sparkling canned drinks like LaCroix.
Food-wise, we also kept things simple by ordering three family meals from Cava, a Mediterranean chain. Guests were able to mix their own greens or grains bowls, adding in things like hummus, tzatziki, cabbage slaw, tomatoes and cucumbers, and pickled red onion. On the side, we had plenty of pita (actually, a laughably large amount) and fresh fruit. We re-plated everything into our collection of serving bowls and stands, and it looked cute grouped together on the table! And tasted delicious, too.
For dessert, we passed around Tillamook ice cream sandwiches (YUM!) and also cut into a small cake and sang to Sam – it was her birthday the day before!
Though we kept things as simple as we could, the logistics still felt like a lot at times. There’s one thing I’m really grateful I did, though: I used vacation time to end work a few hours early on the day of the party. Instead of frantically running out the door, I was able to get to Nancy’s in plenty of time and enjoy a leisurely set up before our guests arrived. As I’ve gotten older and wiser, I’ve realized the beauty of prioritizing this buffer time, even if I would have previously resisted using vacation time for it!
All in all, it was the sweetest evening. “My” guests included five of my dear girlfriends, some of whom knew each other and some who did not, but all who got along famously. What a treat to enjoy their company all together on a beautiful evening on the cusp of welcoming this new baby into our lives! I’m so glad we prioritized it and grateful we could pull it off.
I’d love to hear: have you had any memorable celebrations since the pandemic eased? Or the fun experience of hosting with friends, resulting in a mixed group of guests?
I have unofficially officially declared myself the Queen of Meal Trains. This might sound grandiose, but here’s the good news: the number of people who can hold the title is limitless, and you need absolutely no skills to do so.
Why the title? I believe meal trains are magic. Before having June, I wasn’t really sure if I wanted one: would it feel awkward to ask people for help? Would we really need it? What if they arrived right when I was feeding her or she was crying? What if they stayed to talk for way too long? (Introvert problems, am I right?)
But then she arrived, and the meals arrived, and it was magic. Not having to think about dinner at the end of the day? Magic. Yummy food made just for you? Magic. The feeling of being thought of and cared for by friends? Magic.
And so now, because I know how much it meant to have meals brought to us as new parents, I basically chase pregnant people down on the street to ask if I can set up a meal train for them, or at the very least bring them a meal. (This is only a slight exaggeration.) I don’t want anyone I’m even mildly acquainted with to miss out on having a meal train, either because they didn’t understand the value or because no one thought to ask them. It’s such a small thing, but I’m making it my thing!
Want it to be your thing, too? Here are my best tips:
1. Use MealTrain.com. It’s free! It’s easy to set-up! Absolutely no skill is needed! Just ask your recipient for a few pieces of basic information (address, desired delivery time, meal preferences, number of people eating, allergies, etc.), fill out the online form, and voila! It’s ready to go. I usually recommend running the train on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays (to give working meal-bringers a weekend option!) for 2-3 months.
Once you’ve activated the Meal Train, a link will be sent to the recipient so they can block dates, add a photo, or make changes as needed, too.
2. Ask everyone. Like seriously, everyone. I used to worry that people might think I was weird or overly-forward for asking. Maybe a closer friend had already set one up? But who the heck cares?! If they already have one, then you have the perfect opening to ask for the link so you can sign up to take a meal – and they’ll be tickled you thought of them. And if they don’t, you’re giving them a huge gift that literally takes ten minutes of your time.
3. Offer to send an email. I know it can be awkward to ask for help, which is why I always request a list of email addresses to send the meal train to on behalf of the recipient. I strongly believe people want to help, and when you give them an easy way to do so, they’ll gladly jump on board! I’ve found there is a huge difference between the number of sign-ups when an email is sent and when one is not; this is almost always due to the direct ask, not the size of the friend network. (And if someone sets up a meal train up for you and doesn’t think of this, do not hesitate to ask if they’d mind sending one! I’m sure they’d be thrilled to!)
On a related note, if you’re passionate about bringing meals, this post has 10 great dinner ideas for new parents, and a few of my favorite tips. The only thing I’d add a few years out: it is 100% okay to bring a store-bought meal or takeout favorite. In fact, I did just that this weekend – our life is a little too crazy right now to make an extra home-cooked meal, but I happily picked up a few favorites from Donovan’s Dish and delivered them on Saturday afternoon to a new mama friend. If you’re self-conscious about your cooking or worried about getting the delivery timing right, this is a great option!
I would love to hear: do you have an acts of service “thing”? Do you always remember to write condolence notes? Do you watch friends’ kids so they can go on a date night? Do you send a Starbucks gift card for big days or hard weeks? (I have a friend who is consistent with doing this the week friends go back to work after maternity leave – so sweet!) And if you don’t yet have a thing, I hope this post (or the comments!) might inspire you to choose one! :)
