Six years ago, I wrote a post about deciding to have children. No similar post was needed when we decided to add a second kiddo to our family (for us, once we decided to have one, two was a given), but about a year ago we reached another inflection point: did we want to add a third child to our family?
From the questions I’ve fielded after sharing our happy news, it seems that many of you have faced a similar decision, or expect to in the future. And I’m here for it! Whether or not to have a third child (or any child) is extremely personal, but just because a subject should be approached with care doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be approached at all.
Before I dive in, though, I want to acknowledge that we feel very grateful to have the ability to decide at all. Infertility was not a part of the story of adding the first two children to our family, and so when we were discussing the question of whether or not to have a third, whether or not we’d be able to was not really part of the calculation. If you are in the position of wanting to have a child and find yourself unable to, I am so sorry you’re carrying that pain.
Love, love, love this sweet acrylic frame for displaying an ultrasound! A few of you asked about it – here’s the link!
About a year ago, this is where we found ourselves: I was ready to have a third child, and John was not. We had loosely agreed to table the question until after our mortgage was paid off (because of the burden it would lift on our financial situation), but when we changed our mortgage pay-off plan, that detente became less binding.
A bit more about our starting positions: John was content with the size and shape of our family – to him, nothing seemed to be missing. He was not an “absolutely not” on three children, but he did not have a strong desire to have a third, either.
We had had two healthy pregnancies and two healthy children. Daily life was manageable and usually not too chaotic nor overwhelming, and he was able to keep pace with it even though his new job was more demanding. He could give the love and attention to our children that he wanted to. We were financially stable and our long-term goals were on track.
The idea of adding a third meant potentially rocking the boat in a number of areas:
Another financial priority would be thrown into the mix. Our emotional capacities would be stretched. Three is an odd number and makes it more likely someone will be left out. We’d be opening ourselves to the risk of another pregnancy and “rolling the dice” with growing another human. We’d be back at square one with the exhaustion and attention that a newborn requires.
22 weeks!
I felt that our family was not complete. John and I both grew up in families of three, and to me, that just seemed like the right number for a family, for our family. It’s big enough to feel like a group, but not so big to be overwhelming. Though it made me a bit nervous, I also welcomed the idea of a little more commotion in my life – I wanted the hustle and bustle, the fullness, of a bigger family. I wanted to see myself stretched and to see what growth might come from it.
I also liked that our children, as one of three, might at times feel a bit deprived – of our attention or presence, of an experience or opportunity, or of some physical possession they wanted. It is very important to me that my children don’t believe the world revolves around them and that they grow to be self-reliant, and when kids outnumber parents, those things can happen more naturally.
Finally, I hadn’t given up hope of having a third when I was pregnant with Shep, and so that pregnancy did not have the finality I would have wanted if it had been my last.
Could I have been happy with two? Certainly. Did I believe John could be happy with three? Yes. Did I share some of his concerns about how we would react to being stretched? Yes, absolutely. Could we have organized our life to grow some of the characteristics I outlined above? Yes, to an extent.
We tip-toed around the subject for several months, with John reminding me of our mortgage pact and me returning that it didn’t feel wise to give birth at 36 or 38 if I could just as easily have done it at 33 or 34. We agreed to pray about it, and we did.
As Shep’s second birthday approached, I sprinkled in casual references to a potential third child more and more frequently, with John diplomatically ignoring them most of the time. Eventually, I asked for A Serious Conversation, and he agreed. (This probably isn’t how everyone does it, but for us, if we have a conversation that we know will be momentous or a deep dive, we usually plan to tackle it on a date night. The neutral ground of a restaurant takes us out of the context and distractions of our daily life, and allows us both to put our best foot forward in engagement and magnanimity. Plus, dumplings make everything better!)
And so, we went on the date night and had the conversation, and we came away deciding to have a third child. Sitting across from each other, we ran through all of the pros and cons one more time, and in the end, found ourselves back in a similar place to where we had started six years ago: I couldn’t say exactly why I wanted a third child, but when I pictured my life in the long-term, that was my vision and desire. John, for his part, was gracious enough to accept that stronger desire, and self-aware enough to know that once he was in, he would be all-in, without any bitterness or resentment. Needless to say, I love and admire and appreciate that about him. I hope I would have been able to do the same if our decision had landed differently.
Is it difficult to face these crossroads in a marriage? Yes. Do I wish that we had been on the same page from the start? Yes. Did I feel uncomfortable with the idea that only one of us could “get our way” in a situation of such magnitude, and that in this case, it was me? Yes, a bit.
I felt comfortable pressing on this issue, though, because I knew that our marriage was strong enough to come out happy and whole on the other side. In taking the time to understand John’s reasoning, we were able to address many of his concerns, including for the health of me and another baby (not much we could do about that one aside from remind ourselves of the sovereignty of God – and lots of prayer!). We made practical plans, like me cutting back on work hours and running some financial numbers. And we had frank conversations about what another baby would do to our day-to-day life, and who would be bearing the bulk of those responsibilities (me, in many cases).
More than halfway through this pregnancy, I can tell you that we’re both excitedly on this path. As a friend’s mom likes to say, sometimes we just need to make a decision and then make it the right one. We feel grateful to be on this side of the decision, and engaged in making it the right one, together. We can’t wait to see who this new little person is we’re adding to our family!!
If you find yourself at a similar impasse, my advice can be summed up as follows:
— Take the decision slowly, if at all possible. — Work to really understand the layers of your partner’s and your own position. — Have very practical, realistic conversations about how you might meet any concerns or roadblocks. — Pray about it. In our case, neither of us got a lighting bolt answer from God, but we were leaving space for it. I think He agreed we could be happy either way.
Friends, there will never be perfect words for a topic like this, but I hope it was helpful to hear one person’s imperfect thoughts. I’m here for anything you’d like to share in the comments!
P.S. If you are in the thick of this discussion yourself, you might like to listen to this Coffee & Crumbs episode, a vulnerable conversation on what it looks like when one spouse wants another baby and the other doesn’t.
Friends, thank you so much for your kind notes on last week’s happy news!! You are, as always, the best. As I said, I have much to discuss now that the news is out, likely beginning with the decision to have a third child – hopefully later this week. This was the number one question by far when I asked, and I definitely have thoughts! :)
But for today, something a bit lighter! I don’t consider myself an expert on skincare by any means, but as with most areas of my life, I like to do my research and indulge in some slow tinkering. Over the years I’ve landed on products that really work for me, and even though skincare is SO personal, I wanted to share in case one of them might really work for you! And it’s just fun to document my routine at different points in my life (here’s a post from three years ago – some products are still in rotation!).
So – here we go! My morning and evening skincare routine in my mid-30’s.
Rise and shine! Here’s my morning routine:
1. Splash my face with water and pat dry. I’ve found there’s no need to cleanse in the morning. I’m hoping this retains more moisture in my skin!
2. Apply vitamin C serum.This is the newest addition to my routine (I’m about a month into using it), and I would say the jury is still out. It has definitely not had any adverse effects, and it’s less expensive than many other serums, but I’m not sure what positive effects I’ve been able to pinpoint, either. Vitamin C serum supposedly has antioxidant and ant-aging properties, and is supposed to give your skin a brighter, more radiant, and more even appearance. It’s one of the two products (along with retinol) it seems everyone recommends in your 30’s, and so I figured it would behoove me to try it. (No retinol for me yet.) Maybe it’s meant to be more of a protectant than something you see immediate results from? Or maybe I just need to keep at it a bit longer?
I use three drops and blend it in all over my face, then wait for it to dry before putting on the next layer…
3. Apply sunscreen. I converted to Elta MD a few years ago and LOVE it! It is not inexpensive, but to hear any skin expert talk, the absolute best thing you can do for your skin is wear sunscreen daily. I use one pump all over my face and any extra on my neck. (If I know I’m going to be outside a lot, I use a less expensive Neutrogena sunscreen all over my neck and the rest of my body!)
The Elta glides on smoothly, leaves no white cast, has a nice, very light smell, and layers well under makeup, etc. It’s also nice that it’s moisturizing enough that I don’t need to use a separate moisturizer, which helps justify the price!
4. Remove any remaining eye makeup from the night before. I swipe on a little coconut oil then wipe it off with a Q-tip or tissue.
5. Apply deodorant. I am back to using the Schmidt’s stick, which is readily available in my grocery store/Target and reasonably priced. I like that it is “natural,” but I do find I need to reapply at least once during the day (TMI?). I am all ears for any other recs!
6. Brush my teeth. I think doing this step at this point in the routine gives everything a chance to sink in before applying makeup. I use this toothpaste which I’ve raved about before – it actually does seem to whiten without causing pain!
1. Wash with charcoal soap. Many years in, this product continues to be a slam-dunk winner for me! You canNOT beat the price, and I feel like it continues to do so much to balance out my oily/dry skin. I’ve even turned John onto it! After I rinse, I’ll wipe my face all over with a clean, wet wash cloth, which serves as a gentle exfoliator. I am really weird about using an actual clean wash cloth every day, so I bought a cheap pack of 12 for $4 and just toss them in the wash with our whites!
I’ll also gently swipe my eyes with the Makeup Eraser to remove eye makeup at this point.
2. Swipe on toner with a cotton round. I’ve long struggled with dry, flaky skin on my forehead, and this toner is the first product that’s ever made a difference. The flakiness is gone, overall my skin is smoother, and I do think my pores look a bit smaller, too! (Fun fact: I discovered this via an online order sample. I don’t try 90% of the samples I receive, and I’m not sure what made me pick this one up, but I’m VERY glad I did!)
I use two pumps and swipe it all over my face.
3.Moisturize. A favorite for several years running! Skin Dew feels so light and sinks so effortlessly into my skin, yet is SO moisturizing and balancing. It’s expensive, but a small amount goes a long way for me, and the price is totally worth it for the results I see. Plus, I love supporting a Southern small business! I have been tempted to try Belif The True Cream Aqua Bomb on Jen’s recommendation, so perhaps I’ll try that after my current jar is done.
4. Brush my teeth and swipe on more Aquaphor. Obviously :)
And that’s it! I’d love to hear the MVPs from your morning or evening skincare routine! Have you tried a retinol or vitamin C serum you love? Any interest in a beauty routine post? :)
Having children is the greatest expression of hope humans can participate in. We believe the best is yet to come. We are not cynical people. Deciding to have children is tantamount to saying we believe the world they will grow up in will be bright and beautiful, and that’s a statement of faith we want to make.
I believe this is an even more radical position to hold today than it was six years ago, in no small part because we find ourselves (still!) in the grips of a global pandemic. But John and I feel this as strongly as we ever have. God is good. Life will find a way. And we are VERY grateful to be a part of bringing a new little embodiment of hope into a broken and beautiful world later this year.
Perhaps surprisingly, I’m finding I have much more I’d like to discuss with you about a third pregnancy/child than I did about a second, but here are a few preliminaries to get us up to speed!
How are you feeling? At 21 weeks, I feel great! I have felt MUCH more tired throughout this pregnancy than I have with either of my previous two (like, napping every day and for three hours on the weekends in the first trimester!), but I’ve had more energy in the last few weeks. I also had low-grade but manageable nausea in the first trimester (a little milder than previous pregnancies).
Wait, did you say 21 weeks?! Yep! 21 weeks today. My due date is July 15, which is actually John’s birthday! July is about to get even fuller and happier, as we also have Shep’s birthday at the end of the month and MANY extended family birthdays and anniversaries in July, too!
I did not plan to announce this pregnancy so late in the game, but a few factors combined to make it so. (Looking at you, rainiest winter on record, NC, and general ever-present exhaustion.) Now that we’ve cleared this hurdle, I can’t wait to share more!
Were you planning on having another baby? Yes! It was not always a foregone conclusion, however – more about that in a future post :) I will say that a third child does not seem to be a forgone conclusion for others, either, in the way that, say, a second child often is, so it has been fun to receive the more surprised and delighted reactions of friends and family this time around as opposed to the “yay! but yeah, we figured this was coming” that we got last time :) We do believe our family will be complete with the addition of this little one.
Are you going to find out whether it’s a boy or girl? We actually already have, at the 20-week anatomy scan! (EEK!) As before, I needed these next few months to wrap my head around and prepare my heart for what’s coming. We have shared with our families and will be sharing here, too, shortly!
Do June and Shep know? They do! We wrapped up “big sister” and “big brother” shirts for them to open on Christmas Eve. It’s been totally different and wonderful to have a very aware five-year-old as part of the experience this time around! She loves to find out what size fruit the baby is each week, and we’ve been having lots of conversations about baby sister or brother (she is rooting for sister). She will be the best helper this summer!
Shep, age 2.5, does not seem to have much conception of what’s happening, but when we were sitting on the floor the other day, he did pat my stomach and say, “what’s this big belly doing?” HA!
Did you and Nancy have a pregnancy pact? No, but we are delighted to be due two weeks apart!! We had a very funny get-together a few weeks ago where one of us said, “I have something to tell you,” and the other one said, “I have something to tell YOU!” Needless to say, we will be camping in the spring this year! :)
Friends, you have been so kind to me and my family over the MANY years we have been together here, and it really is a joy to share these milestones with you. This third journey hasn’t yet felt complete without you as a part! I can’t wait to share more of the story as it unfolds.
Many thanks to photographer June for capturing the bottom two photos! :)
This is one of those months where it looked like not much got done on my goals… and in some cases, that’s true! I definitely did not make as much progress as I had hoped in some areas. But in others, specifically our master bedroom refresh, my goals did exactly what they were supposed to: they started the ball rolling, and now that it’s rolling, the momentum will carry the project forward. Onward to March, and the first month of spring!!
On my calendar: — Our spring break trip to Jekyll Island! Very grateful for the chance to get away to the beach (and to experience a part of the South we’ve never visited!). — An outdoor lunch with a high school friend we haven’t seen in years — Some St. Patrick’s Day after-school snack fun like this or this
What I’m loving right now: — As the weather turns warmer, I’m starting to think about freshening up our outdoor spaces. I snapped up this pretty (and good size!) pot a few weeks ago (it is that prettiest blue color that so many of us love!) and purchased this adorable lemon one as a gift! (The orange pattern is also adorable!!) — If you’ve been around here any length of time, you’ve heard me sing the praises of Expecting Better, my favorite pregnancy book. The author, Emily Oster, is an economist, and her (free!) weekly newsletter is my new favorite. She writes a lot about COVID and risk, as well as other parenting and pregnancy topics, from a pragmatic point of view. — By now, surely someone has already told you to watch Ted Lasso, but if not, allow me to be that person. It is funny, sweet, so sincere, and full of life lessons I am still unpacking. COMPLETELY WORTH the $4.99 Apple TV+ subscription for a month, or you could do a free trial and finish it in a week :)
What I read in February: — Essentialism: I liked this book. A lot of it was things I already understood and agreed with (but even things we know and agree with benefit from a reminder every so often). Like many of you, I bristled at some of his suggestions which seemed unnecessarily selfish and not in keeping with the life we’re called to as Christians (similar to The Four-Hour Work Week). Though in the end I felt he failed to deliver on the main promise of the book (how to distinguish the “trivial many” from the “essential few” in an on-the-ground sense), there are some good nuggets to take away. — Crazy Rich Asians: Fun! Though I enjoyed the book, this is a case where I actually may have preferred the movie – the sprawling families are harder to keep track of on the page, and the glitzy fashion and settings are fun to see on the screen.
Revisiting my February goals: Book our annual camping trip (researched, no booking yet!) Book our mountains trip for this fall (did a bunch of research but haven’t booked yet!) Watch the Theolaby bonus materials with John Focus on small tweaks and refreshes in our bedroom, including a new paint color (!), new curtains, and a new grid of photos. (though none of these things actually got done, decisions were made and our handyman was booked!) Finish submitting June’s kindergarten paperwork Finish culling and sorting the second half of 2020 photos (did two more months!)
March goals: — Finish culling and sorting the second half of 2020 photos — Book our annual camping trip — Book our mountains trip — Plan and prep for our spring break trip — Focus on small tweaks and refreshes in our guest room — Style our mantel for spring — Have our carpets cleaned (We have lived here 8+ years and have never done this… are you screaming at your computer?! Or Googling a carpet cleaner near you because you’ve also never done this? Ha!)
As a reminder, many of these are drawn from my 2021 goals!
Let’s discuss: is there a movie adaptation you actually preferred to the book? Or maybe a movie adaption of a beloved book you loathe?
P.S. Read all the way to the bottom looking for the extra-exciting post I teased on Friday? I’m so sorry for making you wait – hopefully later this week!!
