If you are a parent, or have a child in your life you really love, how often do you mourn the passing of time?
Is it rarely? Occasionally? Daily? Hourly? I ask how often, not if, because anyone who has fallen in love with a child has had at least a fleeting twinge of sadness over the thievery of time. Personally, I try not to dwell on it, as the realist in me thinks of it as unproductive, but sometimes it will smack me in the face out of nowhere, like it did on Friday when I read this reader comment on Cup of Jo:
“My three kids are 22, 19 and 16, and if I had one wish it would be for the doorbell to ring and for it to be their little selves standing there, at any given age along the way, with overnight bags packed to spend a day or two with all of us. To relive those moments (to scoop up those little faces that I miss!)… well, just thinking about it makes me laugh and get teary every time.”
This comment comes to us courtesy of a reader named Erika, and Erika, I have to say you are severely underselling the emotional impact this little thought experiment can have on an unsuspecting parent, just moseying along through her Friday blog catch-up. When I initially read it, I tiptoed on by, sensing its power but not letting myself linger. It kept popping back into my mind over the next few days, though (more on that below), and by the time I finally relayed the image to John, I was doing it through copiously-flowing tears.
One-week-old baby June in a ridiculously-oversized onesie, tucked under John’s arm.
If you have kids, please – just stop and think about it for a minute. Ten or fifteen years from now, my precious five- or two-year-old climbing up my front steps, ringing the doorbell, and me opening the door to see them standing on the mat, duffel over their shoulder, ready to spend a day or two with John and me? Their little shining face, their favorite outfit?
Picture ushering them in, squeezing them in the biggest hug, sitting them down on the sofa or at the kitchen table and just staring at them with the goofiest smile on your face. Playing their favorite games, eating their favorite foods, doing whatever they want to do with you for as long as they’ll let you. Likely staring at them some more after they fall asleep.
It is quite literally too much for the heart to handle, hence the overflow of tears. Honestly, I sincerely apologize for putting you in a place of such emotion on a Monday morning.
…But now that I have, let’s backtrack for a bit. Because there’s a reason I don’t tend to dwell on these sorts of thoughts. Sure, that’s exactly what I’d do in this alternate-universe scenario. But in real life, I cannot set aside, well, real life to stare at my child 24/7. There are bills to be paid and dishes to be done and even “selfish” things like blogs to be read. Which is why these thoughts often leave me frustrated and dismissive, because what do we DO with them?!
We can’t use them to be lenient parents, catering to our children’s every whim.
We can’t use them to neglect our responsibilities or our own lives, where, coincidentally, time also keeps marching on.
We can’t use them to live in misery, hating each second that passes.
We can’t use them to dread milestone moments, wishing time would just stop.
Head on the pillow, turning all of this over and over one night this weekend (racking my brain for how I could use this emotional outburst productively), I had an idea, and here it is: Fridays are going to be takeout nights for the foreseeable future. Once I pick up the kiddos from school, I will deliberately set aside cooking, dishes, and all other feasible grown-up concerns in favor of doing whatever they want to do with me for as long as they want to, and staring into their faces.
Time is a thief, stealing past versions of ourselves, days, years, millions of happy moments, but time is a generous giver, too. It gives us those years together and the opportunity to use them wisely with every version of our precious people along the way. If nothing else, I hope today’s post sparks a thought of what you might tweak in your own life to do this even more beautifully than you already are.
P.S. Erika concluded her comment by adding that she hopes this is what being a grandparent is like. I think it might be, which is a comforting thought.
P.P.S. I hope you had a happy Valentine’s Day. I’m sad I don’t have a single photo to remember ours by, but it just felt so full of love. It was a really great day.
P.P.P.S. More thoughts on time here, here, and here. I just can’t quit it.
Here’s a funny little post for you! Beginning when June was about 9 months old, we’ve participated in research studies at our local universities several times a year. When I mention this to friends, I’m often met with both interest and confusion, so I thought I’d share a bit about it today! Let’s do a little Q&A…
No photos of the studies, so here’s baby June at her first Duke game!
What do you mean by research studies? We happen to live by three major research universities (UNC, Duke, and NC State) and all have thriving research labs with ongoing studies that need an ongoing stream of participants. The studies we’ve participated in have focused on infant and child development – things like social and emotional development and language acquisition.
What is it like to participate? In our experience, it has involved a child and parent pair visiting a research lab and completing a cognitive or behavioral assessment. The labs are very family-friendly (waiting rooms with lots of toys!) and the students have also been very friendly (and grateful for our participation). The whole experience usually takes about half an hour.
We start by filling out some demographic paperwork before moving onto the study itself, which usually takes no longer than 15 minutes. As an example, the latest study June participated in was investigating how young children understand and use the word “we,” so she was shown various groups of kids on a screen and asked questions about them. In the COVID era, we’ve even participated in studies via Zoom!
What else do I need to know? Most labs are looking for kids ages 6 months to 18 years, though individual studies will have narrower required age ranges. In our experience, the scheduling has been very flexible – they usually have slots from 9-6 or so, including Saturdays. We’ve been paid either a small gas allowance or something like a $10 Amazon gift card as a thank you, and the kids have gotten a “junior scientist” certificate and their choice of a small prize. June has always found it to be fun!
How can I participate? Shortly after our kids were born, we received information in the mail about joining the research registries of UNC and Duke, which is how we first got connected. Most of our studies have been through the Duke Child Studies Lab, so if you’re in the Triangle, you can learn more and sign up here! Otherwise, I’d Google the name of your nearest university and “child studies” or “research studies” and see what you can find!
Why bother? Great question! Research studies first came on my radar years ago when a dear friend, working in a research lab as a Yale graduate student, connected with my mom (a preschool director), to recruit kiddos for her lab’s studies. I remember her saying how tough it was to find people to participate, and thought it was neat that they could work together. When I heard about similar studies in our area, I remembered that conversation and liked the idea of being able to help.
In a larger sense, y’all know I love my parenting books – and my favoriteones are chock full of anecdotes and findings from studies just like the ones we’ve participated in. Our individual 15-minute bit might seem small in the grand scheme of things, but it’s part of building a better understanding of behavior and development. Just like democracy, it turns out we all have a role to play in the scientific process! :)
Also, though my kids have only a limited understanding of what they’re doing at the moment, I think these visits will be a neat vehicle to talk to them about research, science, college, our brains, careers, etc. as they get older.
I’d love to hear: have you ever participated in a research study? As the researcher or participant, by yourself or with your child? Have I inspired you to look into options in your area? :)
Last year, for the first time, I pre-planned 24 books to read throughout the year – one fiction and one non-fiction each month – for my own personal book club. I was very skeptical about the whole idea (would I hate being constrained? would I lose interest a few months in?), but I agreed – with myself – to hold the plan with loose hands.
Turns out, I loved everything about this project – turns out, it was one of my favorite things about 2020! I did, indeed, hold the plan loosely, especially when libraries closed for several months, and ended up reading 17 of my planned 24 books. Because of it, I was much more thoughtful about the mix of books I read – dipping into a wider variety of authors, subjects, depths, and modes than I would have had I just been at the whim of my library requested-books queue.
That’s what most excites me for my 2021 list. I have spent much time (kind of an embarrassing amount of time, actually) finalizing it. In the process, I referenced trusted friends (many of whom you’ll see sprinkled throughout this post), considered the events of my year, and mined my own extensive TBR iPhone note. I’m excited to read each one of these books, and if you’d like me to join me for any of them, I’d love to have you! Like last year, I’m planning to share a few brief thoughts on Instagram along the way, as well as in my monthly goal posts.
Many of these picks line up with my 2021 goals, which I’ve finalized and am planning to share later this week! Without further ado…
January: Such a Fun Age | This is by far the number one recommended book that I have not yet read, so I thought I’d give the people what they want and start the year off with it :) Essentialism | Will be reading with my work gals! I’ve learned that before bed (my usual reading time) is not the best for a work-related book, since it turns my thoughts to work things and makes it hard to fall asleep, so I’m excited to dip into this one while I eat lunch, perhaps? “Essentialism isn’t about getting more done in less time. It’s about getting only the right things done.”
February: Crazy Rich Asians | We watched and loved the movie, and I’ve heard the book that inspired it is even better! A love story seemed appropriate for the month of love :) Upstairs at the White House | Considering it’s both an inauguration year and February is when we celebrate Presidents Day, this book about family life at the White House, told by the chief usher from FDR’s presidency through the first few weeks of Nixon’s, seemed appropriate! I’ll be reading along with Janssen’s book club.
March: Homegoing | This one has been on my radar since Jen wrote about it in 2019, and then of course it exploded in popularity midway through 2020. Excited to experience it for myself! I’ll be reading along with Stephanie Shaul’s book club, for which I faithfully read the email communication each month but have never actually attended, ha! Women of the Word: How to Study the Bible with Both Our Hearts and Our Minds | “How can we, as Christian women, keep our focus and sustain our passion when reading the Bible? This book will equip you to engage God’s word in a way that trains your mind and transforms your heart.” As someone who missed out on learning practical tools to engage in my faith when younger, I read this description and yelped, “sign me up!”
April: Olive Kitteridge | I’m intrigued and a bit nervous about this Pulitzer Prize winner. Jo says it’s her favorite book, but the reviews are decidedly mixed, with some readers saying it’s boring and depressing. We shall see :) Atomic Habits | I mean, can you even work for a company that helps women set goals and NOT have read this book?! Excited to see what all the fuss is about. I’ll be reading with Nancy’s book club!
May: The Vanishing Half| Maybe the most popular book of 2020, according to social media. Tracing the paths of two sisters as it does, I’m intrigued to compare it to Homegoing! Being Mortal | This one has been on my TBR list for years, and when it popped up on Janssen’s plan, I knew it was time to get it on my nightstand. As Christians, we are reminded to number our days, and this sounds like a book that can help me do that.
June: Dear Edward | One 12-year-old survives a plane crash that kills the other 183 passengers – and sets off a “multidimensional portrait of an unforgettable cast of characters.” Self Portrait in Black and White | Fun fact about John: you know how we talked about patrons awhile ago? One way he shows his patronage of voices he appreciates is by buying their books. However, he *very* rarely actually reads them – more often, I pick them up after they’ve gathered dust for a few months on his bedside table, and then read choice passages out loud to him before bed, haha. Such is the story of this month’s pick :)
July: American Royals | A lighthearted romantic comedy that would surely cause the Founding Fathers to roll in their graves. Cheekily reading this in the month of our nation’s birth. The Gospel Comes with a House Key | Reading with Nancy’s book club! Loved this from the jacket: “Such hospitality sees our homes as not our own, but as God’s tools for the furtherance of his kingdom as we welcome those who look, think, believe, and act differently from us into our everyday, sometimes messy lives―helping them see what true Christian faith really looks like.”
August: A Column of Fire | The next book in the Kingsbridge series, which I dearly love! The Self-Driven Child | Just read the description of this book and you’ll immediately see why I am very excited about it. I love the idea of diving into a book about parenting in the month we’ll be sending our oldest to kindergarten!
September: Nobody Will Tell You This But Me | This one’s for my friend Pressley, whose recommendations always perk up my ears. Also, four generations of family stories sound right up my alley. Awaking Wonder | Continuing with the previous month’s theme, this is Sally Clarkson’s take on education in its most holistic form. As I love The Lifegiving Home, I’m excited to learn from her once again.
October: The Dutch House | Even though I already own a copy of this, it’s the only book I’m considering listening to – I’ve heard the Tom Hanks narration is perfection! Beautiful Resistance | Jon Tyson speaks right to my heart, soul, and mind whenever he delivers a message on living within (but not of) today’s culture. This one has been sitting on John’s bedside table, too, ha!
November: The Dearly Beloved | If it’s one of Stephanie’s top 5 books of the year, it’s going on my list! The plot, which weaves together two marriages, across several decades, tied together by the church they steward, promises to be rich and satisfying. Funny in Farsi | This memoir about an Iranian immigrant family sounds delightful and, well, funny. And it has Janssen’s seal of approval!
December: The Book of Longings | I am skeptical about this book, but several friends have raved about it and reading The Invention of Wings last year reminded me how much I love Sue Monk Kidd’s writing – so here we are! Digital Minimalism | The only book I didn’t read from my 2020 list that’s making it onto this year’s list. Helps that I already own it :)
I’d love to hear: have you read any of these books? Would you like to read any alongside me in 2021? Let’s chat!
Well, well, well, 2020. Let’s see what you had in store for the Thomas family.
We kicked off the year with June’s 4th birthday and an epic “day of fun” to celebrate (including her favorite, gem mining!). Sadly, we also experienced our first (though not last) ER visit this month, also for June. Work continued on the Cultivate office, and our Peloton arrived!
Valentine’s Day brought lots of fun celebrations, like the Lovebug Dance (complete with corsage) at our church for John and June and a tea at the Carolina Inn with friends for me. We unveiled the sand table on our front porch and my newly-painted desk, played in the snow, completed our second ER trip (this time with ambulance ride!), and celebrated my birthday with sweet deliveries from friends.
On March 2, we officially moved into Cultivate’s new offices. On March 5, we had a photoshoot. On March 8, we ate our last meal inside a restaurant – for the year. On March 11, the NBA canceled their season, we officially began working from home, and John said, “I think you’d better go to the grocery store” (which I did, two carts later, along with almost everyone else in our town). On March 16, our kids’ school closed indefinitely. Empty grocery shelves, a new juggle of work and childcare (with babysitters added into the mix toward the end of the month), fear and uncertainty… and also penguins roaming aquariums, days off spent with our kids, hikes and car picnics. Weirdly, I published a North Carolina bucket list on the blog this month, ha!
May was more of the same: more bike rides, more hikes and creeks, more strawberries, more porch deliveries, and so many snack trays. We punctuated our days with a backyard campout (!), a new porch gate, and the sweetest Mother’s Day celebrated with picnic and scoot in downtown Raleigh. My parents were also able to visit for 10 days or so, which was a huge blessing for everyone (especially when our car was broken into and wallets stolen…).
On the blog, I shared a pair of posts about meal planning: my recipe binder and my routines!
As you can see in June in June, we continued to make the most of our time together at home, with ice cream, hikes, another campout (this time with Mama!), Father’s Day celebrations, trips to the Eno, and a backyard kiddie pool. We also spent much time thinking, reflecting, and talking as the racial justice conversation exploded. The tomatoes continued to roll in.
July had a LOT of highlights: road trips to Maine (with a beloved stop in the Berkshires along the way) and Connecticut (with a celebration for Shep’s birthday), so much family after such a long drought, John’s birthday, and progress on the Advent calendar (finally!). We have SO many sweet memories from this month!
Thankful for cousin visits, bike rides, trips to the Museum, and a cozy Thanksgiving just the four of us in November. I shared what we planned to give our kids for Christmas, always a popular post.
We ended the year with a really wonderful December, complete with a miraculous Christmas shrub glow-up, a visit from my parents, and plenty of magic for our first-ever Christmas morning at home, just the four of us (a fitting end-cap for the year).
Friends, thank you for indulging me. No matter the year, these posts are such a treat for me to write, and always some of my favorites to look back on years later. They help me to notice the good things, do my best to facilitate more of them, and remember to thank God for every delight (and for being with us in the struggles) along the way.
I know I’ve said it before, but I am SO excited for what we’ll discuss here in 2021. Thank you for being here, and for sharing so generously with me! It’s one of the delights of my life. Wishing you a healthy, happy, and abundant new year. I’ll see you soon! :)
