At the end of March, I wrote a reflection on our first two weeks of quarantine. It was the beginning of spring and the beginning of an alternate reality that, though we didn’t know it at the time, would still largely be our reality many months later.
And here we are, many months later. While so many aspects of our life remain in that shifted state – masks on, sanitizer at the ready – a significant milestone took place this week when our kids returned to preschool after five and a half months at home. With that, an acute season of our life closed, and I wanted to record a few more reflections here.
I’ve often said that one of my least favorite things in life is trying to work when my children are around. I hate it. It leaves me exhausted and irritable, feeling like I failed at being both a parent and an employee, and since becoming a mom I have put structures in place to avoid it whenever possible. I like to think I’m not a distracted parent, and perhaps that’s why trying to do focused work on my computer while my children are clamoring for my attention feels so icky and alien to everything I try to cultivate in our family life.
Even aside from my life as a parent, I think it’s the Enneagram 5 in me that makes me highly value compartmentalizing my work life and my personal life, and wrapping things up cleanly before I transition from one to the other. (Trying to do something for work on my phone while my kiddos are in the room is literally the stuff of nightmares for me.)
Anyway. All that to say that after our preschool closed, John and I knew attempting to juggle two (almost) full-time jobs with no childcare was simply not an option for us – something in our work would have had to give if we couldn’t have come up with a childcare solution. Thankfully, we did. For five months, we welcomed two of our favorite high school neighborhood babysitters into our home from 9-noon almost every weekday morning. Angels, both.
Was it a risk? Absolutely. Was it a risk that was personally worth taking for our family? Absolutely. We took all the precautions we could and we are so thankful that everyone stayed healthy throughout. The kids had great mornings (mostly going in the backyard splash pad or playing camping/sleepover/pet school :)), we ate lunch together as a family, then nap time/Big Girl Quiet Hour got us through most of the rest of my work day.
(That last hour, of course, was often the worst, as I battled feelings of not having gotten enough done during the day while attempting to wrap things up and meet the needs of kiddos who had spent the day in proximity to us but often not gotten the attention they wanted from us.)
Still, many (MANY) had it much harder than us. Still, we found the sweetness.
Before it got too hot, we ate lunch in our backyard every day – a revelation to eat as a family in the middle of the week! June snuggled up next to me and colored on a few Zoom calls. John no longer had a commute, buying us back an hour of every day.
Outside of work, we did many of the things we are accustomed to doing – backyard s’mores, back-of-the-car picnics, hikes in the woods, neighborhood walks, Saturday morning chocolate croissants – but they were all suddenly imbued with a certain nobility and solidarity: these things are keeping other people safe! We’re doing our part in an awful situation!
We tried new things. I don’t think the male members of my family will ever go back to getting their hair cut professionally. (I certainly will, ha!)
We became closer to other school parents as we texted updates, commiserated, and set up Zoom playdates. This felt like a really big step forward in these relationships, and one that would have been unlikely to happen otherwise.
We indulged in curbside pick-up at basically every business we frequented – what felt like a special luxury as a parent juggling multiple car seats.
We connected with friends in new ways: trading book stacks when the libraries closed, Zooming with high school friends across the country, and signing on for virtual game nights.
And in a revelation that might be one of the longest-lasting, we discovered the beauty of taking ordinary days off from work. Early on, John and I thought we’d help cover childcare until preschool resumed by taking alternating Fridays off (lol to that). These ordinary days of having little adventures together, one parent and two kids, were so sweet. Traditionally, my vacation days have been reserved for travel and big events, but I’m looking forward to scheduling more of these days going forward.
So: week one of preschool in a pandemic — complete. While I never really understood the memes that circulated this spring about suddenly appreciating teachers so much more (maybe it’s having grown up with two teachers, but I already knew exactly how much teachers should be appreciated!!), I am SO thankful that our kids are able to be back in school. (And of course, as grateful as ever for their wonderful teachers.) Sending all my best wishes and compassion to those who are facing harder falls, for whatever reason. xoxo
Friends! You’ve accompanied me on my two-year journey of photo organization with such patience and good cheer. Your encouragement along the way, especially in the trenches of iPhone photo organization, kept me going. With thanks, I’ve finally put together the steps I took over the last few years to get my photo house in order – and today I’m sharing the first installment!
Sometimes I’ve felt a little awkward talking about this project so much – after all, it’s not like I’m solving nuclear physics over here. But the overwhelm created by having an amazing camera ever-present with no physical storage constraints, a houseful of cute kiddos, and the desire for simplicity is real.
Before I began this project, I also had no back-up solution (meaning I lived with a constant low-grade fear of losing all of my precious photos) and no good way to enjoy our favorite images. What I did have was the nagging feeling that for every photo gem captured on my camera roll, there was a surrounding sea of 18 almost-identical-but-not-quite-as-sparkling versions.
And so, slowly but surely, I waded into the mess step-by-step. Starting with this post, I’m so happy to lay out those steps for you. They’re not rocket science, but I hope they’ll make the path a little clearer and easier for you if you’re hoping to follow along behind.
Two shout-outs before we begin:
— I purchased Nancy’s photo organization digital guide a few years ago, and it was just the kick in the pants I needed to get this project underway! I diverged from her process at different points and made it my own, but I’d definitely recommend her course if you’re looking for an even more comprehensive guide than I’ll be sharing here. Note: I purchased the $29 option, which is no longer available, but you can see current options here!
— This was a long and tedious project, and without the process of breaking it down and the accountability of mini goals to check off month after month, I’m not sure I ever would have gotten to where I am now. Couldn’t have done it without you, PowerSheets! :) All of the steps below are perfect to add to your Tending List!
Let’s start with physical photo organization!
Step 1 | Gather all printed photos. First, I gathered every loose printed photo in our home and brought them together in one spot. I gathered the printed photos that were still at my parents’ home and brought them to NC. I also had several old photo albums, and except in one instance, I disassembled them and added the loose photos to the growing pile.
Step 2 | Sort printed photos into loose categories. My categories were childhood, middle school, high school, college, newlyweds, and family life. In process, this looked like big piles of photos arranged in a circle around me on the floor of our loft, ha! Nothing fancy. Though much of our history is already combined, I did not separate out my childhood photos from John’s – they’re all in one pile!
Step 3 | Cull printed photos. With the photos in loose categories, it was easier to sort through each one. I touched every photo and discarded duplicates, photos with bad lighting, and photos with events or people I no longer really cared about (harsh but true, ha!). I know this can be hard for some, and I have a few more tips for sorting through childhood itemshere. My best tip is to take the long view – will you really care about that photo in 20 years? – and to challenge yourself to keep the photos that truly bring joy and tell your story, not the ones you “think you should keep.”
Step 4 | Sort printed photos into a box or boxes. I only have a few hundred printed photos, and they all fit in one photo box at this point. They’re divided into categories by little homemade dividers – again, nothing fancy :) If you have lots of printed photos, multiple boxes might be helpful!
Step 5 | Refresh photos around home. Flipping through all of our printed photos helped me rediscover a few gems. I purchased a few new frames and added photos to our bedrooms, mantel, refrigerator, and living room gallery wall, among other spots. In some cases, these were heavy-hitters – wedding and newborn photos – but in others, they were teeny little moments, like June on the boat with her aunt or John and June laughing at our favorite pizza place.
That’s it! We’ll talk about printed photo albums in part three of this series, but in the meantime, you might find this post that touches on printed Instagram photos interesting.
I’d love to hear: do you have printed photos in your home? Are they organized? If so, how? Back with more soon! :)
In our yearlong process of discerning whether children were in our future, John and I asked a handful of people some variation of “why did you decide to have children?” or “why do you want to have children?” It was spectacular conversation fodder, and resulted in many memorable discussions with people we love.
One conversation in particular has stuck with me for years. It was with one of the people I’m closest to, and it surprised me.
John and I were tucked into a booth next to each other while out to dinner, sitting across from my Dad. This was in his season of being dislocated from my Mom for his job – he was living in Northern Virginia, and made the trip down to see us once a month. The three of us had many adventures on those weekends – swimming in the Eno, poking around at the farmer’s market, taking long drives to our favorite hiking trails.
On that evening, I remember trying to work The Question into the conversation casually, so as not to betray the turmoil lurking just beneath the surface. If there was one person I trusted to weigh in on this decision, it would be him, and I was more than curious to hear what he’d say.
My Dad is someone who has always delighted in his children. Next to his pun-filled humor, his diplomacy skills, his excellent grammar, his love for reading and history and golf — he is known for his love for his daughters. It is his calling card. “No one loves his daughters as much as Rob Ayer,” a friend’s Mom commented to me once when I was telling her about one of our weekend visits. (What a glow, as a daughter, to be loved so well and so visibly! To be delighted in!)
So what would he say? His answer was simple and, to me, unexpected: “I wanted to raise people I’d like to be around.” Not just people he would love – that was easy – but people he would like.
Though this wasn’t the answer I was expecting, it immediately made sense to me. My Dad is one of six kids who grew up on a dairy farm in a small town. My understanding of his family in childhood is that it was largely an insular unit, a self-contained ecosystem of playmates and chore helpers and book swappers and make believe compadres. If you didn’t like being around your family, life would be pretty awful — because you were going to spend a LOT of time with your family.
Even those of us raised in less-remote settings can appreciate how many hundreds of thousands of hours we log with our immediate family, and therefore, how important it becomes to our overall happiness whether we enjoy that time or not. I can see now that raising his kids to be people he enjoyed being around, of building a family unit of likable people who liked each other, was a guiding principle behind many of his decisions.
Good grades? Not the goal. Intellectual curiosity, a love of reading, and the ability to discuss ideas? That’s a person he would like to spend time with.
Starting varsity player? Not the goal. An appreciation for healthy bodies, sportsmanlike conduct, and a day spent outside? That’s a person he would like to spend time with.
Also the goal: all the things any of us find likable in people, our kids or not – kindness, attentive listening, respect for others, graciousness, a willingness to be a helper.
As a parent, what a release of pressure this must have been! He didn’t want kids to burnish his own self-image. He didn’t want to raise kids to change the world or get great grades or to play a sport he loved. He wanted to raise kids he liked spending time with – when they were young, and now, when they are older. It worked: in my whole life, there has never been a season when I didn’t love spending time with my Dad.
Though this whole parenting paradigm feels selfish in a way – after all, you’re using your standard and preferences as the navigational guide – a kid you like will inevitably be a kid (and adult) other people like, too. And to be clear, this was not about making carbon copies of himself – we can enjoy being around people who are quite different from us! The world will give us a lot of messages about what kinds of kids we should strive to raise, and I’ve found most of them to be pretty empty. But raising kids I enjoy spending time with? I can aim for that.
As an introvert, the idea of a close-knit, built-in community that genuinely loves spending together was immediately appealing to me. In the years since, I’ve found it to be a helpful decision filter, just as I imagine my Dad has. It’s not the only one, of course, but it is helpful – even on a micro level. If there’s something our kids do that really annoys us (like, uh, shrieking for no reason…), we’re going to try to work with them to change it (unless there’s a strong reason not to!). After all, I’m allowed to enjoy this parenting thing, too :)
And enjoy it I do. There are few things I love more than spending a day with June, doing anything or nothing at all. She is the best little buddy – one of my most favorite companions – and a delight to be around. I love her, I like her, and I’m anticipating with joy what our time together might be like as she grows older.
John feels the same way. He is well on his way to being known for his love for his kids (and wife, I hope!!) – just one of the things that makes him an amazing dad. Happy Father’s Day to him, to my Dad and father-in-law, and to all the great dads out there. xo
P.S. I’d never heard this idea ruminated on until last year. I could have written this essay, and loved reading it!
P.P.S. Shep is a great little buddy, too, and I can’t wait for our future adventures as he grows – it’s just a little easier to develop a friendship with someone who can talk :)
Hello, friends. Like you, I’ve spent the past week in incessant conversation with those around me about what is happening right now. About George Floyd. About Christian Cooper. About the protests and the riots. About you, reading, who might not be white. I have been praying, listening, thinking, reading, and talking to those closest to me. I have been asking (sometimes hourly) for a fresh heart: one that is willing to sit with the pain of others, to turn away from feeling offended, to quiet my own needs, to be humbled (again and then again).
In all this, I am severely imperfect, and this is not about me – but this is a space I am responsible for. I believe in words, but I believe more in actions. That’s what these posts are – a chance to share the actions I’m taking each month to move forward on the things that matter to me (always imperfectly, always incompletely), and an offer to you to do the same. Whether you feel timid or confused or are just in deep pain right now, here’s something I know: cultivating what matters in our hearts, in our families, in our world always starts with one step. And it continues with another. Here are a few of the steps I’m taking in June.
On my calendar this month: — Blueberry picking, hopefully many times over — Filming June in June Volume 5… the hunt for the perfect song is on! — Father’s Day
What I’m loving right now: — In light of Father’s Day, might I recommend a pair of these shorts for your favorite dad? John (who never buys clothes) just went hog wild and bought two pairs, and he is in love. He has the “One Short.” — I appreciate so much the way David Brooks consistently and movingly writes about morality. His most recent essay struck me, especially this line: “He would have stored in his upbringing the understanding that hard times are the making of character, a revelation of character and a test of character.” — I planned to feature a few books featuring diverse characters in this section, as adding to our library was one of the first tangible actions I took this weekend, but there ended up being too many to list – so I moved them to their own dedicated post tomorrow! In the meantime, this one and this one are two of our favorites.
What I read in May: — The Invention of Wings | WOW this was so good. I hadn’t read anything by Sue Monk Kidd since The Secret Lives of Bees over a decade ago, and I forgot how elegant of a writer she is. This book is set over several decades in the 1800’s and follows two entwined stories loosely based on real figures: a white girl who grows up to be a Quaker Abolitionist, and the black girl she is given ownership of on her 11th birthday. I think fiction is one of the most beautiful and effective ways to grow empathy for people who are different than us, and on that basis alone I would highly recommend this one. — Unshakeable | This is a memoir written by Cultivate’s summer intern (!). Besides the fact that it’s wildly impressive for a college student to have self-published a book, I appreciated how she handled her rough transition to college, given my own. It was also another eyeopening and frightening look at how insidious anxiety can be for so many people today. — The Secrets of Happy Families | I gave this book an enthusiastic thumbs up on Instagram when I was a few chapters in, and though I still very much recommend it, the first section turned out to be my favorite. The later chapters felt a little more surface to me, and not quite as original. I fully admit this could be because some of the topics in the first section, like family mission statements and behavior charts, are things I’m actively mulling over right now :)
I’m still chugging along with my 2020 reading list as best I can, despite not having library access! I did just purchase Just Mercy, my February pick, because I was on an endless wait list even before the library closed and I’m eager to dive in.
Revisiting my May goals: Clean out the garage (Some progress made! We got rid of a big desk taking up space.) Digitize loose photos from 2005-2009 Design and print our first family photo album(Yes!!) Finish reading Matthew with John and begin Mark Complete gifts for Mother’s Day with June + Shep(Yes! We made thumbprint laminated bookmarks – so cute!) Send watercolor hugs Go camping in our backyard(So fun! See a peek here.) Complete friend dossiers Experiment with a custom Publix shopping list(Done and it has been a major success!) Make a list of all our non-recipe meals for binder(Done! More on my recipe binder.)
June goals: — Add more diverse faces to our family library — Finish reading Matthew with John — Set up a simple email newsletter for EFM. Lisa kindly sent over some instructions, and I’m happy to make this happen for those who have asked over the years! It will just be a simple email every time there’s a new post – nothing fancy :) — Write some entries in our COVID-19 family journal. Cultivate has some great prompts I plan to use to make this easy! — Photocopy favorite recipes from cookbooks to round out our recipe binder — Book our camping trip for this fall — Have a little three-person game night every Friday this month with June, after Shep goes to bed. As I’ve said, gotta start early :) — Use the Peloton app to move every day this month on days we don’t ride our bikes or otherwise exercise. Looking forward to exploring cardio, strength, stretching, yoga, and more!
Sending you all love, friends. Let’s make this a really great month ahead.
