Thanks for all of your thoughts last week, friends! I always love hearing when a post resonates with you.
Something I bumped up against when I started to think about purposefully injecting novelty into my life was how to handle rituals and traditions. If you’re like me, you think a lot about them. It seems like my friends, my family members, and really, my whole generation, is hyper-focused on creating meaningful celebrations, meaningful holidays, meaningful Saturday mornings, meaningful bedtimes, meaningful birthdays, meaningful first days of school, etc., etc., etc. We want our lives to be meaningful and purposeful and joyful and memorable, and one of the best ways we’ve found to do this is through creating and upholding rituals and traditions.
And from what I’ve heard and seen and experienced, kids love this! They love boundaries and knowing what to expect and festivities of all stripes and eagerly anticipating things. (Ahem, Christmas.)
But, even good things like traditions can be taken to an extreme. It’s not that traditions or rituals are bad (most definitely not!), it’s just that I think a maxim I adhere to throughout my life is appropriate here, too: everything in moderation. Instead of worrying that my family hasn’t established a special meal for Halloween night or bought the birthday banner that will reappear with every trip around the sun, I want to embrace the fun of thinking up new ways to celebrate! I never want to lose the margin for new holiday activities, new after-school snacks, and new Easter dinners that we haven’t yet dreamed up.
One example we wrestle with: vacations. Here’s how it goes: A non-negotiable for me is going to Maine every summer. Absolutely has-to-happen, can’t-miss, no way, no how. Got it. We’ve also grown to love going to Asheville in the fall. Okay, we can make that work. Our trip to Bald Head Island over Memorial Day was amazing – we should make that a tradition, too! Okayyy, we can maybe do that. Isn’t Charleston in the spring magical? We’re within driving distance, so let’s do that every year!
Charleston-Bald Head Island-Maine-Asheville would be an amazing year of vacations, and I wouldn’t complain about it! But if we actually wanted to do those four trips every single year, we’d have very few vacation days (and dollars!) to do anything else. Over a lifetime, we’d miss out on so many other amazing destinations!
To bring it back to the perception of time we’ve been talking about: If your entire day, week, and year is already assembled for you from blocks of tradition before you even flip the page on the calendar, might your brain respond the same way it does when it meets with any boring stimuli? Shut off, say “nothing to see here?” In the pursuit of meaningful lives, I don’t want us (and by us, I really mean me) to lose the joy and importance of spontaneity. I don’t want every year to feel like a repeat of the one before, and therefore glide by almost unnoticed.
Tradition and rituals satisfy a deep craving for me, and I’m guessing for you, too. But I think it’s worth trying to strike a balance between margin for novelty and tradition, and at the same time, take the pressure off all of us to make every single moment special and meaningful. Because in the end, I think what really makes life meaningful is the people with whom we spend it, no matter what we’re doing.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, friends! Have you ever wrestled with this? Does your life lean more heavily toward tradition or novelty?
When I shared earlier this year that posting frequency would slow down a bit here as I began posting weekly on The Connected Family, I worried that things would feel… slow at EFM. But thanks to your generous participation and maybe a little of the old quality v. quantity tradeoff, I was delighted by what we were able to talk about in February. You all are so good to me, and I’m excited for what I have planned for this month, too.
Writing here feels particularly like a gift right now as I work to find my TCF voice. It’s a new audience and brand (and purpose), and the trial and error feels a bit foreign! While I’ve got pretty much everything (voice, tone, perspective, format, length, angle, etc.) nailed down for EFM and CWM (since I’ve written for both for over a decade!), I’m still figuring all those things out with TCF. Thanks for coming along for the ride :)
The first of my fancy daffodils have bloomed!!
On my calendar: — Easter basket shopping with all three kids. I’ll go on individual mini shopping trips to Target with each kiddo to choose items for baskets we donate through a local program. One of my favorite traditions! — Primary voting. I would never miss a chance to add my voice, even if it sometimes seems inconsequential. — Spring break. We are returning to Jekyll Island!
What I’m loving right now: — Ocean BINGO, an unexpected reading practice tool! Shep and I have been playing it together and, since he loves to be the caller, he finds himself sounding out things like “spotted eagle ray” and “wandering albatross.” I’ll take it :) These BINGO games are really beautiful and great quality – I want to collect all the versions (birds! cats! trees!) even though I have very little reason to. — John and I try to have an at-home date night about once a month and usually watch a movie. Recently we chose Yesterday, and it was delightful! A feel-good pick with a just-intriguing-enough premise (and lots of Beatles songs). It’s currently included with Prime. — I asked for and received Vuori joggers for Christmas, and I’m sorry to report back that they really are excellent. Good quality, great fit, and I love my color – iron heather.
As a reminder, you can find allll the things I’ve loved over the last few years neatly organized right here!
What you’re loving right now:
This is where I highlight a few items here that have been popular in the last month with fellow readers, based on my analytics. Here’s hoping this will help you find something you’ll love!
— The Rifle Paper Co for Target collection was easily the most popular link I shared last month – and for good reason! I was truly blown away by the quality of the boxes I purchased. Wish there was more from the collection still in stock!! — The pearl and gold studs I wear daily bounced up to the top, too. I’m not giving them up anytime soon but I did just try on these hearts in a store and they’re now on my wish list. — 52 Modern Manners for Kids, a resource we use for Team Thomas Tuesdays — My current sunhat — Our favorite family conversation card deck
Last month on The Connected Family:
Adding a segment to round up the previous month’s posts on TCF! So many of you have subscribed (thank you!), but if you haven’t, and a conversation about kids, technology, and family culture sounds meaningful for you, I’d love for you to join us.
What I read in February: — The Red Tent | I plucked this re-read off our shelf as we worked our way through Genesis in our Bible-in-a-year plan. It’s a highly-imagined recreation of Dinah’s story, compelling and adding some interesting background to the ancient world Jesus’s lineage wound through, but it made me feel similar to The Book of Longings – vaguely scandalous? — To Say Nothing of the Dog | Whew. I added this to my 2024 reading list after Janssen put it on hers, so I didn’t know too much about it before requesting it from the library. It was… very different than your average bookstagram pick (!). It’s a “comedy of manners,” a stylized form I’d never read before, and packed with literary and historical allusions, many of which I was not familiar with. It was also published in 1998. All this to say, it was mostly a slog. I was still considering DNF-ing up until about 3/4 of the way through, but I’m glad I stuck it out. I think there’s value in reading something very different and a little more challenging than my usual fare every once in a while – even if it did back up my reading pipeline for a few weeks :) And I am proud to say I guessed the twist early!
Revisiting my February goals: Reach out to an upholsterer and/or visit a showroom for goal no. 1 (Yes! Waiting on fabric swatches to arrive.) Rehab and paint June’s new (old) desk (Yes! I just added the top coat yesterday and now it needs two weeks (!) to cure. I found a cutie chair to pair it with at Pigfish on my birthday.) Finalize the secrets + swag for the AC retreat (Sadly, the AC retreat is the same weekend as my grandmother’s service, so I’m no longer able to attend. I’m very sad to miss, of course, but also feel total peace that I’ll be where I need to be that weekend. Because of this, I’ve stepped back from the planning, but can’t wait to see what the gals come up with!) Complete at least 60 hours of deep work (I got to 39, beating my total for January by four hours! Still room to grow, but grateful for improvement!) Write one lesson of the TCF course (It was the first one and by far the easiest, but still!) Read chapters 4, 5, and 6 of Outlive (Just starting to get into the actionable section :)) Take the Birds & Bees course with John
March goals: — Take the Birds & Bees course with John — Read chapters 7, 8, and 9 of Outlive — Choose fabric and send chairs off for reupholstering — Complete at least 45 hours of deep work (about 3 for every week day, minus travel days!) — Finish the leadership program slides + deliver my talk — Write the second lesson of the TCF course — Wholeheartedly enjoy my extended family and time in Connecticut, as my grandmother would have wanted
As a reminder, many of these are drawn from my 2024 goals!
Happy March! Feel free to chime in on anything I’ve mentioned or anything else on your mind.
The last of my grandparents passed away at the end of January, and on this day of love, I’d be honored to tell you a little bit about her.
Some of you, actually, may already be acquainted: I was lucky enough to feature her in my Marvelous Mama series at the age of 90, where she charmed many readers by recalling the August night she was ready to hand off her would-not-stop-crying baby to any random passerby :)
That interview also gave me one of the simplest and dearest nuggets that I have tucked close to my mothering heart for the last eight years. Best tip for a new parent? I asked. Enjoy being a mother, she said.
That’s it.
Enjoy being a mother.
Not sleep training advice or picky eater advice or how best to think about balancing independence and safety or how to help with homework while instilling responsibility or how to balance work and home duties.
Also, not the stinging, “cherish each moment, the years go by so fast!” admonishment, well-intentioned but with embedded heartbreak.
No — here and now, just enjoy what you have. Enjoy who you are and whose you are and the role you get to fill.
To me, the simplicity of this invitation stops the blustering parental advice machine in its tracks. It quiets to the truth: This is my life. (I am a mother.) These are my kids. (I am their mother.) These are the people I have been given to care for and teach and discipline and feed and listen to and read to and tuck in and… enjoy. In all of that and more, it’s my choice whether I will enjoy.
And since this interview, which came when June was in her first year of life, I have (imperfectly, but faithfully). I wrote about it on June’s first birthday; I’ve thought about it daily. I speak it over myself like a prayer.
And I have had a model in my grandmother, because from what I can tell, she did enjoy being a mother. In fact, she seemed to enjoy every aspect of her life.
This is not because it was easy.
Bang was born in 1926, a true Depression-era baby. After a wealthy childhood (her family had a maid!), she rolled up her sleeves and moved to a dairy farm in Connecticut, raising six children with her husband. She patched clothes and devised frugal meals to feed a crowd. Her career path, though winding, always involved helping those in need: she worked with the Red Cross, for the Department of Children and Families, as a teacher, and with special needs kids. She served on many boards and committees and stepped into countless volunteer roles. Most painfully, she lost her beloved 32-year-old daughter to a drunk driver.
My grandparents at their 50th anniversary party
But Bang would tell you she had a wonderful life. She was married for over fifty years. She continued the legacy of a beautiful and historic family farm (the oldest continuously-working family farm in Connecticut, in fact). Her six children gave her seven grandchildren and five great-grandchildren, all of whom adored her. Until she needed nursing care at the end, she never lived more than a mile from at least one of her children. She was surrounded by loving community at every stage of her life, from her church, to her farming extension, to regional choruses, her extended family, and her island community in Maine. She did work that mattered. She spent time in the sunshine every day.
Playing on the beach in Maine while pregnant with Shep
Her worst offense? Trying to insert herself into every conversation within earshot (simply to listen – she was not one to give unwelcome advice). She had a ready smile and a generous, head-thrown-back laugh. She delighted in the people around her and was content to simply be near her family, even if she couldn’t follow our conversations as closely in the last few years.
Her Depression-era upbringing made for some of her most memorable characteristics. She didn’t want anything to go to waste, obviously, so she indulged in all the usual practices like folding wrapping paper and picking turkey carcasses to the bone. Her home was a maze of books to be donated and stacks of china a grandchild might one day want to have.
This actually led to an unusual family tradition I remember quite fondly. For several years, Bang provided all of the gifts for our extended-family Yankee Swap — by way of my aunts: they selected random items from her house and wrapped them for the exchange, seeing it as a way to remove a few items from the house in a way that Bang would accept. Some years you got a brand-new set of steak knives, sometimes you got an oven mitt imprinted with a local realtor’s contact info.
Family photos on the steps at our cottage in Maine, decades apart (in the top photo, my Dad is in yellow and Bang is in pink)
If there’s one tradition that sums Bang up, though, it’s probably this: at every holiday, she set a very long table (even when the table wasn’t her own). Our family has its share of glue at the seams, but that didn’t phase her. For years, our Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter dinner table might include her children, their spouses, and her grandchildren, yes, but also her children’s ex-wives, their new husbands, and various step-children. Everyone was not only welcome, but personally invited and expected to show up. Most people wouldn’t even think to extend the invitation, or if they did, would worry about awkwardness ensuing. That was not a concern for Bang, and her guileless, sunny personality made everyone feel welcome. Her love for people was unconditional.
So — there is clearly much to love, and much to emulate, here. In 2016, I wrote that “I would be thrilled to be just like her when I turn 90,” and I still feel that way. So the important question for me, now, is this: how can my life, in my home and in my 2024 setting, look more like hers? How can I, with my own circumstances and personality and responsibilities, be more like her? Our contexts are different, yes, but the direction to move in is the same, I think:
Love God.
Love and honor my husband.
Work on things that matter. Aim to help the least of these, no matter my job description.
Value extended family. Gather with them. See each imperfect person as the image bearer they are, and show obvious delight in them.
Focus on tending my mind and heart more than my looks and wardrobe. Think less about what I wear and how I look. Do more crossword puzzles.
Cherish simplicity. Be easy to delight.
Commit, and then show up. Give my best to help my church, schools, and local circles thrive. Act as a “pillar of the community” would.
Remember and honor the past. Tell family stories, even the worn-out ones everyone knows by heart.
Be “everyday active.” Build a life that’s as outside and active as possible.
Give generously and relationally. Don’t be afraid to see people up close, to draw near to them in their messiness and suffering.
Sing loudly and often. Laugh loudly and often.
And just try to enjoy it all.
Dancing with my Dad at my wedding
Bang lived a wonderful life. She is with Jesus, my grandfather, and her beloved daughter, whom she has waited so long to be reunited with (truly, the only part of this post that makes me tear up as I write it). She is no longer suffering, and she can listen in on all of our conversations with perfect clarity :)
Thank you, Bang, for everything. And thank you, friends, for letting me share. xo
Generally, I prefer to look forward. I love to dream and imagine the future, and we’re lucky to have reason to hope for good things ahead.
Looking back can be harder. It’s a reminder of the good things that have happened, yes, but an inevitable reminder of the passing of time, too – and, depending on my mood, that can be fraught. (I know I’m not alone in this!)
Still: looking back in intentional ways has helped me to take what I can from each year, to appreciate what it had to offer, to learn what it had to give, to acknowledge the hard and appreciate the good. Our lives are what we give our attention to, and these posts are my way of giving a little attention to the year of my life I just lived. Thank you, as always, for indulging me!
As always, our year started by celebrating our best big girl turning another year older – this time with a birthday hike on the big day and a petite pottery painting party a few days later. We said goodbye to the CWM commercial office space and I headed to the beach for a weekend with the Articles Club gals. On the blog, I shared my reading list, my goals, and – for the first time – our family goals for the year.
There were more celebrations in February! In lieu of 2022 Christmas gifts, my sisters and I (and husbands) chose to go out to dinner together – not so easy since we don’t live in the same place! – and we were able to make it happen at Kindred over Presidents Day. We also stuffed our Valentine’s mailbox, went to see the Duke basketball team play and Riverdance tour for my birthday (reflections here), finished the first Harry Potter, and started composting (a long-awaited splurge).
We spent lots of time outdoors in March, including on the field and sidelines for another soccer season for June and Shep. I chaperoned my first elementary school field trip (a dream come true, as silly as it sounds!), we replaced our roof after hail damage, and we kicked off our spring break trip with 20 hours in Serenbe, a nostalgic treat from my SW days.
In April, we reached our spring break destination – a return to Watercolor, Florida, to celebrate John’s parents’ 50th anniversary with the whole family! This is where we discovered Annie is obsessed with belly flopping into pools, ha. We celebrated Easter in Greenville, SC on our road trip back (complete with an ER visit after having to administer the epipen.) We took another little weekend trip to Asheville, where we met up with my younger sister to celebrate her paying off her student loans, and I traveled to Texas for work. Whew!! In between trips, we picked strawberries and June had her first piano recital.
With school out for the summer, June swam on our neighborhood team for the first time (and greatly enjoyed learning group dances on the pool deck), the kids played street soccer almost daily with neighbors, and June and Shep camped in the backyard solo. I hosted another book swap, biked the American Tobacco Trail with a dear friend (44 miles!), and we took one of our favorite trips of the year to Beaufort, NC before heading north to spend a week with my parents, sister, and cousins in Connecticut.
We began the month of July in Maine at our island and concluded it with Shep blowing out the candles at home on his fifth birthday. In between, we had a stopover in DC on our road trip south, an insane rash from moths (!), many evenings at the pool, and a joint birthday party with Shep’s best friend at a local park. On the blog, I shared a few takeaways from Habits of the Household, my favorite nonfiction read of the year.
In August, we welcomed two of our nieces and nephews for a week of cousin camp, highlighted by the debut of the Best Friends Snack Shack, hikes, and our nephew learning to ride a bike! We discussed the Barbie movie with an all-pink Articles Club, stayed with John’s parents for a week at their new home in Virginia (so much closer to us!), and kicked off another season of soccer at a field we can walk to. And then school started – second grade for June and a final year of preschool for Shep!
September saw the advent of Team Thomas Tuesdays, a dream many years in the making. It’s been (mostly) a delight! We also organized our garage – a sore spot in our home that had been dogging us for years – with some professional help. In honor of our 11th wedding anniversary, John and I had a special date night to see Wicked and took a quick weekend trip to Charleston (not without its relationship lessons). We led a book study at church onThe Common Rule and I started volunteering weekly in June’s classroom to run a reading group.
We had another favorite trip in October – to Boone, NC – as well as a memorable gathering for the 8th anniversary of Articles Club, a visit to the state fair, our annual camping trip with the Rays, and a chocolate chip cookie tasting party. Sadly, John’s back pain flared up again and he continued to battle it for the rest of the year.
In November, we met up with cousins for a coooold day at the zoo, I biked the ATT one more time, we had friends over for what we hope will be many more Sunday pizza hangs in 2024 (more about that soon!), and we celebrated Thanksgiving in the Florida Keys with my family in honor of my parents’ 40th anniversary. (Annie’s first flight!)
December felt full, slow, and all about community. We fit in lots of beloved Christmas traditions – many with friends or family in tow – but worked hard to keep plenty of white space for playing, baking, and reading books at home, too. Shep started the very lowest-key basketball, a new delight of his life, and at the end of the month, we hosted my family for a few days of Christmas fun and then flew to California to be hosted alongside all of John’s family at his sister’s home for even more.
For us, each year in the life of our young family is a delicate balance – between travel and staying home, between “new” and “the same,” between pushing and choosing rest, between work and play, between freedom and control. We do not get it right all the time, not by a long shot – but we try. We think deeply about it, and pray for wisdom, and act carefully, and adjust as we go. It’s both rewarding and overwhelming to see a year in our life summed up like this, but as always, I’m choosing gratitude. It’s not hard, and for that I am, well, grateful.
Friends, I know I’ve said it before, but I am SO excited for what we’ll discuss here (and elsewhere) in 2024. Thank you for being here, and for sharing so generously with me! It’s one of the delights of my life. Wishing you a healthy, happy, and abundant new year. My 2024 goals are just about ready to share, so I’ll see you soon! :)
